Saturday, July 17, 2010

Sunday, June 20, 2010

☺ David MeShow - Unfinished Dream

This song speacks for me. Period.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Fuck it all...

Fuck this place, I want out.
I dont like it here.

I feel misplaced.

My friends....who are they?

Who are my true friends?

I know who they are, but sometimes even they make me feel bad.

This is why I dont talk much anymore.

And I wont tell them how I feel either because they'll just see me as a case.
More or less.

Let them lead their happy lives and I'll just live my miserable one.

I wanna cry.

This is the only place I feel like I matter right now, in my blog, which thankfully, no one reads.

Cuz they'll just get pissed.

You know what just leave me alone.

IM convo that made me a good way.

ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
its been a while
how r you?
AmiLove - Reminder says:
I am good
I kno it has been a while
how are you keepin?
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I'm fine. I have a part time job now....started since january^^
College still sucks and I have 2 do an extra yr
But I'm keepin well
I've been working on self projects as wel ^^
AmiLove - Reminder says:
No biggie Mama, thats life do what u gotta do to get by
just aim high and u will do well Sade
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
^^ thx lol
I wanna be a director when I get older
oh! and conratuate Rudra for me
I'm so proud of him!
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Yes he is
Today he is receiving an award
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
cool! Well thats good
he's been added to my list of inspirations ^^
how r you tough
like with school and stuff?
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Well i have a 3.85 gpa
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
i wish I was like u
my gba's not good
ummmlets see... 1.96
very poor, which accounts for my extra yr lol
what r u studing?
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Omgeeizie u need another field to study in
that one is not bringing out the best in u
trust me
Early Childhood education
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
sounds nice
well my major is IT
is not what I wouldve wanted to do
but I have no choice
AmiLove - Reminder says:
how are you doing in IT
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I do....ok in some courses, but I just fail some, and then pass them on the 2nd I've been a bit unfocused lately so that affects it as well
It's fun..........well not really. I wish there was an art course, I'd ace it
When I go abroad I still have to start from scartch anyway
plus at times I have like no motivation at all
AmiLove - Reminder says:
I hope u have no distractions your way that are holding you from yah dream
like Love
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
lol.....actually it was one of the main distartions
AmiLove - Reminder says:
LOL i kno the feeling
Well i have let go of mine in Dominica... I love him but too much head ache
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
lol...i can relate
except mines a bit different
AmiLove - Reminder says:
how different
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
and more stressful
AmiLove - Reminder says:
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says: was with a girl.....
thats why
and my gosh my mum is another stress
AmiLove - Reminder says:
well fyi Sade, i am BI so different is not far from it all
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
oh? u are?
AmiLove - Reminder says:
yeah ever since i kno myself
i have had three flings but one relationship
but the girl was caught in the middle because she had a gf, and bf and I had my bf
understand and that can be annoying trying to juggle
and it is not fair to any party
so I understand yah ply
and I hope your mother can embrace you with an open hear and no buts to her love
like I love you BUT...
Well just to let you know if you ever need someone to talk to hit me up
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
well....I'm gay, I told her last year, and we're having problems
AmiLove - Reminder says:
I have an open hear and an open heart
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
she puts me down and there is definately a but
AmiLove - Reminder says:
not stricken by anything
Wow I am sorry to hear this
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I've had 2 serious relationships, but the 1st wa confused and I was just too scared and depessed
and the 2nd used me
AmiLove - Reminder says:
and i am sure ever since u knew yourself u knew that you were different
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I cant stand another, though Ive had flings too, but ntn really
yep I did
i knew it
It makes me sad cuz I dont feel accepted tryin not to cry
and love seems fake cuz when i know i feel it 4 some 1 they just dont care as much, i have concluded that there is no one I can love here
cuz they all have fake motives, and Im not up for experiments
AmiLove - Reminder says:
yeah it is something when u know that inside u have a secret well if u were here there are organisations that support LGBS associations meaning Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals and Straights come together to talk about issues
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
i wish I was there
I dont like it much here
sorry lol
AmiLove - Reminder says:
I kno ppl that are full Lesbians
My aunty is a Lesbian
and has been like forever
most of the girls in school are afraid to do anything because of what ppl think
and don't fully come out because of what ppl think
you just have to stay positive
for now focus on you and getting out and making it big for yourself
because you need you time
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
its hard 2 be when ur mum says, u need God and u'll go to hell cuz Its wrong...oh! and here's he personal fav: It's ur choice
God! I hate when she says that
I even go n talk 2 the Bishop about it
AmiLove - Reminder says:
tell her where in the ten commandments doe it say that being gay is wrong
look at how many adulters there are out there
tell them go to hell not me
You are my mother and you are suppose to love me for who I am regardless
and that how can u even think that way
I am the same person
tell her u are the same person Sade
and u had to tell her how u are and u are born that way
there is no cure
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
trust me, its not that easy....she's fed up of me...says when I want to talk abot that its always the same thing, and that I dont listen to her, how I need to pray and God will heal me
AmiLove - Reminder says:
for being Gay or homosexual
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
but there is noting to heal
AmiLove - Reminder says:
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I cant tell her that, she will think Im even ruder
AmiLove - Reminder says:
if u ever need to talk to someone Talk to my Dad
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I cant do anything, so I just waitin to leave
AmiLove - Reminder says:
dont beat up yah self
love you for who you are always
and nothing can bring u down
nothing can move u
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
yeah....but I have no support at home, I cant fully be myself cuz of society, and sterotypes piss me off
AmiLove - Reminder says:
U have to just say FUCK it
and live for you
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
and plus, I do love my faith, i honestly think to myself nothing is wrong with me, even if Im this way cuz God knows
but then
AmiLove - Reminder says:
But i will send him a text cuz my aunt can talk to you and just make you feel more comfortable
God made you that way
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
he did, my mum says my dad caused it...i honestly dont care how it happened all i know is its how I was meant to be and od knew it was gonna happen and yeah
I can still serve him, and Im not a deviant
I just wish ppl would understand but then again it doesnt matter
I even wished I was a guy so ppl would stop thinking I need help
or stop watching me wierd cuz they dont even know me
oh yeah, ur dad does no im gay...he guessed it lol
Its hard 2 accept much so that it affects my grades
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Just hit me up when u need to talk or email me cuz i have to get ready to go out ok... Just know that I am there ok
Much love
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
kk thx tho
uve been a big help
I'll see you
AmiLove - Reminder says:
But i will be yur support
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
enjoy ur outing^^
AmiLove - Reminder says:
When i come home in August I will talk to you
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
ur coming??!
AmiLove - Reminder says:
And try and talk to your mother
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
ok cool!
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Yes I am
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
ive given up seriously
AmiLove - Reminder says:
in a positive manner
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
it wont help
things r bad enough i dont wanna be more stress 4 her
AmiLove - Reminder says:
i dont care trying is better than settling for less
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
i already am
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Aye las
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
kk i will sigh
AmiLove - Reminder says:
but i can tell u that the church is fighting agaisnt it but Pedophil vs Homosexuals
and we all know who everyone hates is ppl who touch children
so dont worry about it the church will have to bend in its hard ways soon enough
bye bye
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ said (11:11 AM):

This is just for me to remember. And since this is my only safe place to say whatever I want then.....I just wanna post this.

Why does it feel like you just dont support me?

I know u care as a friend.

But sometimes it feels like you just doubt me.
You doubt a lot of stuff I say.
You doubt my abilities.

I mean I understand where you are coming from.

But it'd be nice if you were a lil more positive.

I'm a dreamer let me dream.
This is exact reason why I say nothing important on facebook.

But I always forget about you on twitter.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Unlike most people, I cannot really hold a conversation, and may be socially retarded...

But still.

I can't really talk much, especially on msn.
What is there to talk about?
I dunno....

I don't care much about my phone, gave up on it a long time ago.

I have friends (duh), and I even have my "circles", but I'm always just, there.

There ain't nothing much for me to say, basically cuz I just am ignorant to, whatever's interesting.

There is this awkward silence every time....well most times.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Who Am I?

Whilst looking at myself, then and now, there has been alot of changes.

Before I left Trinidad, where the people I hold dearly to me still reside, I was a pretty normal abnormal child.

A young girl who hid everything about her deeper self.
Mostly people knew me for my wolves, and my guitar, and my art more or less.

Now here, in Dominica, I came out.

In ALL senses of the word.
And still in the process.

Yes, I am still the wolf freak, but even more so now.

I'm at 3rd Grade on the Guitar I named Providence, because I wanna find my own someday.
But I'm mostly self-taught.

I'm a composer, artist, poet, wanna-be director, script writer....

I'm still a freak, was overly so when I first came here, and then regained my "accepted-freak" stat.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm gay?
Yes, I am.

And everyone (sorta) knows it.

No, I am not proud, because society holds me in a cell.

But yes, I am very sure of myself, because it took me 3years to reach acceptance of myself.

No, I am not the typical "lesbo", which is a term i detest.
I'm not the typical anything.

I am also a bit religious. Impossible? Nothing is.
The local Bishop is a friend to me.

I am me.

And still on the way to be known only as such.

I never fit in, even though I have tried once.

And I hated it.

Never again.

Hey world. My name is Sade McLeod, born Trinidadian, immigrant of the Commonwealth of Dominica, artist, musician, composer, writer, dreamer, wolf enthusiast/lover, pain killer, undercover gay, and future director. My official alias is MZJackoby, but fully it's Micheal Zeke Xerai Jackoby. My logo and general amateur production/art line is 7Leaps4Ward.

What more is there to say?

Oh yeah, I've been through a lot, like most people these days.

And yes, I love, love. Even without a significant other, for now.


So, I sent a letter to a site., in some ways. It was the truest thing ever for me to say, because I usually tend to alter information alot, and involuntarily.

So i came across your site, feeling all down and stuff. Having problems as to being able to fully accept myself.
Firstly yes, I am gay. And i want to be myself fully, so I want to be a happy gay individual.
I hate the term lesbian though. it has a kind of "slutty" sound to the word, so i just use the word gay.
But it is really difficult.
I have friends who know, but I think that they too are struggling to understand me. They think that something is wrong with me and that I am frustrating to deal with. I have really confided in them to be my friends and at least respect me and support me, but if i am frustrating, when all I'm doing is trying to be happy....
Ok so I accept that for my age I am very childish, and before I was in love with one of my very close friends who thought she was bi, but is not.
We broke up and in between a 3 year period I guess we both were confused. I was confused about whether or not she liked me, even after we broke up, and she was confused...about herself I guess?
But it sorta hurts because before she claimed to love me so much, and at that time I had been unable to show her my love properly because i was having issues with myself, and then she got frustrated and we broke up, but it seemed that she kept falling in and out of love with me.

It was alot to deal with, but now we're cool.
She's not in love with me, she doesnt like me in that way, and I'm accepting that all we are are friends.

But that's not the problem.
The problem is that i feel low because of my being gay.
Inside, I am happy with myself, being gay is part of my identity, although sex is a touchy subject with me, i do not wish to be sexually intimate with another girl unless we are really close emotionally, and it "just happens", and well, definitely NOT with a man.
But my society, people, well most people, just do not accept, which is ok i guess, but I want to be treated with respect as this site has explained, and I am not getting that.

Also, i really do want to share myself with a girl, but she really has to know herself as well, and feel comfortable, and love me. Most girls who like me are interested in sex, and I become more or less an "experiment" for them. This is why i am single; i've only had 2 real girlfriends, and I've begun feeling for girls since i was 14-15. Although then, i didn't question it at all because it just seemed natural and i didnt even know anything about being gay.
I thought i was straight, even though all ive had were feelings for girls.

At 16-17 I became knowledgeable of it, and began to accept myself for being that way, with no intention to change.

But sometimes I hate myself too and say maybe if i were straight i wouldnt have these problems.

People say that i look like someone who has it all covered, when they have no idea of my pain.

Some of my close friends i feel see me as a case or that something is wrong with me, though they are still nice to me (they were a bit mean before, but they try now and i appreciate it, because it really isn't fair, but they werent mean to me because I am gay, but for other reason, like maybe how I'm so soft-spoken, or really nice, or just childish, basically because i am way different to people here (I am an immigrant in the country i live in currently and this is where I fully realized my orientation))

It's like I have a very compartmentalized life, in which to different groups of people, i am somewhat a different person, and the only people i feel fully me towards are my very best friends who live in the country I left, I miss them.

Generally all I want is support, and to feel happy. I just wanted to let it out. Thank you.
If you can help in anyway, well, I'd love that.^^

Maybe I should add that before I wasnt very familiar with guys, in fact my father hated me being around them. Thats another story altogether, but nowadays I am mostly comfortable around guys, My closest friend is a boy, who liked me before. I've another very close guy friend.

I've nothing against guys really, I recognize the good and bad. Trying to really romantically like a guy never worked out for me, and when i realized I had been just trying to make other people happy, I quit that, because it wasnt what I really wanted, and I dont want anyone's feelings to be hurt.

I am also androgynous in appearance, and like to dress as a guy sometimes, though I get negative feedback from people so I feel ashamed, but I wish I was a man, so that my feelings wont be so "weird".

I feel as if I should have been a guy, but I already accept that I am a girl, and very much identify with the term "soft butch/ stud" though that stereotype is far fetched, because I have very masculine qualities, but then again, i am still definitely a girl.

But yep, that's generally the main story.

^^ I felt much better after.

Friday, May 7, 2010

That's a nice way of saying it....artistically....

Sonnet XLIII, from the Portuguese.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning - 1806-1861

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

I curse the day.....

Can I really still look into her eyes and tell her that I love her?

Yes, unfortunately.
But I won't.

I think I've been on a borderline of limerance and unconditional love.
Nothing ever seems to disgust me about her, even when she disgusts me, its by some stuff she may do or say, and not her as a person at all.

I dunno.

I have already come to terms with the fact that we will never ever be.
And it doesn't bother me now.
I'm actually glad.

Everytime my mind tends to be like asking if it could be, I'd be like, oh no....dont even go there.

But we are friends. And I'm glad for that too.

So I can't love her as a lover, and I dont care to either.

But as a friend I will, I mean, I still do love her, a lot. Too much maybe.

Just what makes her so deserving.
I come too deep with this shit.

What's my idea of love?
Well, I, as a gay individual, strangely, as the world would say, have no desire for sex. I do come off by watching les porn when I do.
And....I get excited by rough, almost even fighting encounters.
And I just love to see girls submit, it's hot.
I dont give a shit for the men....only that i wish I was them. Yeah, I watch the straight ones as well. When I do. Meh.

But for me myself, I dont really wanna have sex.
It's just not, a priority at all.

I could be in a relationship without sex at all.......
But duh, there must be some kind of physical making out and stuff.
And groping a girl playfully is always fun.

I may even cause a girl to feel sexy and want to have sex, and we may make out intensely...but I dont wanna strip her.

The intimacy is what keeps me going.
Everything, until the point that the girl wants to go down on me, is fine.

Why am I talking about this?
Because everywhere I go, and every girl I meet who's interested in me, wants that.
They want to have sex! Without even knowing me yet.
Do you know how much of those innuendos I must face and the comments I hear?
I feel raped by eyes alone.

And I always laugh to myself when this stuff happens, cuz, tho its a cool feeling to know that youre wanted and desired, even by people of your own gender, and its just seems to occur naturally and in a space of at least a month, its funny cuz I dont ever wanna deal with them.

To them I'm always that person they can never reach.

I rarely do ever fall in love, i'm infatuated alot.

But I like girls with a certain character.
The quiet and shy, the cute, the humble, with a drive for doing daring things and having fun and being outspoken at the same time, thats what I like.

There aren't many girls like that, here.
Or if they're here, not any gay ones.

I am gay, not due to the want of having sex with a girl, no.
Though I am not fully opposed to the thought, it's only with certain conditions.

Yes, I do take that stuff way too seriously for a teen.
But whatever.

Why am I attracted to girls?
I'm not sure, I just am.

Lol, honestly for me to be in love with a guy, he'd have to be gay, lol.

You get me? Not really? Well...
Gay guys can be effeminate.
When overly so, I'm disgusted.
Same with girls, if they are too masculine, then they are too much of a boy for me.

But, the thing I love about girls, are their simple gentleness.
It's just normal for them.
I'm dazzled by grace, and stumped silly if they are artistic in any way.

I'm particularly more dazzled by girls who are shorter than me, tho, because somehow I feel like I can always be the one she would look up to, and I can be the one who can be strong for her, and I'll always love looking down into her eyes.
But she doesnt have to be shorter than me.

I would gladly wrap my arms around her and show her my love anyway.

With effeminate guys, they have the same gentleness, somewhat.
Some can be really sweet and shy.

It's not the gender that determines who I tend to like, it's the person's mannerisms.
So if there was a guy who was alot like a girl in that sense, then I would love him lol.

My idea of love is one that is very hard to explain, but I can try.

This type, leads to the conclusion that I would die for her, just so that she can live.
I will support her in any way I can.
And I will protect her.

Even if I cannot really physically protect anyone, and may be a wimp, I will still embarrass myself and get beaten to a pulp and still try to protect her.

Even tho my life is busy, I will still have time set for her.
Jeez......i'm still not reaching my quota of really explaining love to you, in may be able to show in a picture.

But I can surely say that it's very different from what most ppl call love, and sex, is only an option, and not a must at all.

However, I lack confidence.
And can be a bit unsure of things.
I tend to second guess things.

That's why after my 4th encounter with love, I decided to lay back, relax, and fully come out.

Like come out, and show my world, "Hey, I'm me, and I'm.... " so and so.
Because I always felt like I was hiding stuff about me, that I was afraid of showing.

And they are not even bad stuff, they are actually good.

But i believe I have a slight fear of "truly being out of the norm", which I already am, but I always tend to want to do things that will "stand out", even positively, and I have a tendency to not want to stand out at all.
So I stop myself.
And that always messes things up for me and my partner, the worst occurred with my 1st.

I was soooo bottled up and afraid.

But I'm coming out a bit more everyday, and until I feel as if I can be my all freely with my girlfriend then I just wont bother getting one until I do.

That's all really.

Monday, April 26, 2010

...oh! And these too...


I can relate to that....except that I DO NOT LIKE GUYS AT ALL IN THAT WAY.
Oh....and I DO NOT CRUSH ON MY FRIENDS....more or less.

But some stuff apply.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


I've been having issues.
Gay issues.
Because I'm gay.
Had some problems accepting myself in society.
The pressure; I've hated myself for being gay.

My friends would probably never really understand, and I sense that this has become an uncomfortable subject for them.

If so....when I do find a new I introduce them?

I must commend Abigail though.
She is very supportive; I can actually be my gay self around her and it'll be fine, though she might freak out at some statements, but it's generally ok.

If I'm sad due to some gay-based thing, she automatically thinks I've been being bashed for it (I was a little before) and wants to give them a piece of her mind.
I always have to come in and say, "no, it's not that.". :)

Online we could talk about it.
I must say, she has been there for me, much more than before. Cuz before she was mean!
I'm glad for that.

So, that's Abi. Now for Cher and Laura.

They are 2 more that make up my important inner circle.

I treasure them as friends dearly.
They also have been there for me...

However, approaching the gay-subject I do not feel very comfortable talking about that.
I did once deeply, and I dont think I'll do it again. That was a long time ago though.

They were very supportive, and I'm happy for that. A lot.
However, I know of the aftermath.

I know what they thought of it.

They thought my head was fucked up, also that dealing with me was frustrating.
And they kept referring sex to it.

They decided to let it go and not tap on the matter anymore.

Well good.
But it hurt to know that they thought something was wrong with me.
I'm sure Abi thinks it too, at least a little bit.

But then, should I expect any different?

Even my pals can't fully accept me for being gay, so how about the world?
No chance.

They have no idea of exactly what this is like for me.
I actually hated myself for being gay once.

I'm doing ALOT of soul-searching nowadays, and God really is my closest friend.
In that I talk to him about it a lot, and feel good.
I wanna lead at least a partially religious life.

Of course if i mention that it may, i dunno.

They don't seem to like to talk about religious things.

I just wish as my pals they could, maybe do some research or maybe ask me to find something that could explain it better to them.
I would gladly refer to some sites.

But then, I shouldn't expect them to care so much to the point that they should go out of their way to really figure it out, cuz in the end that's for me to do, not them.

But, i dunno.

Every time I see them, I feel a pain inside.
Not too sure why, but then again i can guess.

The pain for Cher, and the pain for Laura are different, and yet the same.

Go figure.

But I dont like to talk deeply about myself anymore, because a gay-thing will come up (duh! I am GAY!) and they might feel weird.

So, that's why, I feel a barrier as to how much of myself I can share to them.

And it hurts.


Another thing that hinders my ability to fully accept myself in society, for being gay.

I dont want to hide anything from them, so maybe I'll send them a link to this, I dunno.

They are my friends, so maybe I should.

At least they'll know sorta what going on with me.

At friends.^^

And without them feeling... awkward or anything.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I've burnt it all..

The memories are gone.
all the notes.
The past messages.
Burnt to the ground.

took two hours too.

I feel better.
There is no history.

I got rid of them all.

Would love to forget...


I dont wanna remember.
How much.

I loved her.

Well I can say that I dont anymore.
She's just a friend.
And that's all she'll be.

I feel lifted....sorta.
Because the answer I'd been looking for has finally hit me.
I can now say for sure, that the truth is, she doesnt love me.
I always knew that my feelings were unrequited.
I just needed to hear it, myself.

So now that those feelings are being diminished and killed, I can finally focus on other things...I always do but, that was always an extra.

Right now, there is a very heavy feeling inside me, but I refuse to cry, because, what would be the worth.

It would be a waste to cry, over anyone.

But i can still laugh, enjoy myself, hang out with my boys, and my girls.
I'm still gonna have to deal with girls who like me.

I was searching for real...that thing that begins with L.

I will find it.

But not here.
Not now.
Not ever whilst I'm here.

There is nothing like that here for me.

And its fine.

I just wanna go away.
To home.
With my appointed family.
with DJ and AJ and everyone.

That's what I want now.

Otherwise. I'm fine.
And I wont shed a tear.
Just work towards forgetting.

And still continue to pursue my dreams.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I actually expected this...sorta.

I am emotionally unaffected at least.

Though some things from Abi came out a bit wrongly, at least the fact that I loved her, was true.
And i DID tell her that.

But I never acted on it.

I always kept a platonic profile when around her.
Just cuz I ALWAYS had a dual mind towards her.

I played it safe. I said that I'd keep it 2 myself, and figure it out on my own, involving no one.

Abi, who is one of my real close pals, apparently was super curious about me.
So i ended up telling her how I felt, in confidence.

I did tell her once that I dont like to talk about that, but only in confidence.

But she thought that everyone else knew, I believe.

Then, she has a very low view of Laura, for some reason.
And I guess since I liked her, made things a bit worse.

Abi and Laura perhaps have a "beef" to settle.
I have no idea about it, but Abi really thinks Laura has been manipulating me and stuff.

I always stand against it.

But she never listens to me.

It was because of that too, that caused this outburst.

If she had only stayed quiet, no one else would have known.

But then, out of every bad, come a good.
And she did warn me.


I can handle just being friends with Laura. I wanted to clear things in my head on my own, but still.
Its ok.

My feelings for her...will die.

Friendship will live on tho, for me.

For her, well i dont know.

This is why I always normally keep things to myself.

I normally always settle things out scotch free.

Now....there's this mess.

I'm assuming I'd have to disappear for a week onwards.

I have no response....

To your "Fuck you".

Nothing to say about that at all.

It's not like I didnt let it be known to you that I loved you.
Or perhaps you forgot.

No matter.
It doesnt matter anymore.

So I thought something was what it wasnt.

And thats ok.

I'm not swayed, no emotion.

I'm just, there.

Still normal, i dont care really.
However, I did explain to u.
I talked to u online.

You know what? These are what confused me...let me help u with that if u ever come across this.

You looked for evidence.
Well... here it is.


# BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby alphalavie is freakin awesome. lol....but im not white and short. lol...wasn't at the pc when u posted that one 6:53 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

* Reply
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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby lol. but we are you and me silly. lol 6:50 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby lol..ur not pale enough!! lol..pick another. lol 6:00 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby erm....lets use a reference i know about....lolz!!! 5:41 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby like omJ i L-O-V-E U toooo :D 5:33 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby do you feel loved now ...cause you are 5:07 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby i care...FEEL LOVED WOMAN! lol

From the last tweet up, these were the ones that confused me. doesnt matter anymore.

Think as to why I never acted upon it.

Here is my proof of me sayin it directly to you. maybe u were just kiddin, but I was serious.

# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi definitely, so lets. *take out my hand...which is dry now, btw <3* 2:47 PM Mar 30th via TweetDeck in reply to BoBXKashi

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# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi lol, ok here's the best one: like you and me then. :) Let's get together now. ^^ 2:40 PM Mar 30th via TweetDeck in reply to BoBXKashi

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# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi like Alpha and Lavie... but ur not white, lol! But Alpha is black so yeah! =D 2:02 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi

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# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi Come with me. I'll give u a true experience you wont forget. That aint just words BTW! =D ;) 1:59 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi

* Reply

# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi har har, lol.then ur Bella and I'm Edward.I wanna be with u. Sure I'm not vampire or male hottie but yeah.I need u.Just like him.

# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi let's say I'm Nick. Will u be my Norah, Laura? lolz :) 1:39 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi

* Reply

# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi let me ask u this then.... 1:39 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi

* Reply

# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi hehe, just so u no 4 sure: I love u Laura. 1:31 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi


There you go.

Bash me if you want.
Hate me, forget, it doesnt matter.

But, these were direct tweets....i never took the random ones seriuosly.



That, is all i have to say.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

It hurts....faintly...and immensely...

It shouldnt right?
But yeah, i hurt a little.

Jeez...maybe it's that I love you too much.
Maybe the co-dependency shifted more to my side...

Maybe I need you too much.

Or maybe not.

It's not like I need you like I can do without your presence at all.
Because I'm not always around.

Plus, we kinda get on each others nerves at it's not like we dont need our space sometimes and stuff.


Laura, I kinda miss you.
At least maybe a little.

I miss those nice words.
I miss those times when u say you love me.

I miss the support you had for me in high school.

It seems faded now.

I miss your smile, and I miss having you in my matter how rare that was.

I know I'm not very affectionate, but I come out of that when it comes to you cuz I wanna be close to you.
I wanna show you my love, I want to love you and I do!

It's something I really want man!

I always used to be against dependency on a whole and was always the type of person to say "I dont need anyone, I could do this on my own/ go through this on my own/ I dont need anyone at all/whats the point of love? it only makes ppl stupid..."

But what a change that occurred.... i fell onto love's mercy b4 I came here, but after meeting you, I became it's captive.

Of the very same thing I claimed to hate for so long before...

But I'm not a beggar.

No, I will not go below my level and beg for anyone.

Admittedly, an ego inside of me is part of the cause.

Sometimes, I'm not quite sure of you.
You say you love me, but then I dont feel it sometimes.

Sometimes from you I get a cold feeling.

Or sometimes I feel as if you love me... yet maybe not as much as I do....

I will risk my life for you, I will bear your wounds...

I will do alot for you.....except kill.
Naw no killing...or stealing, no I wont steal for you either lol.

But really.

I know you want a boyfriend...
To support you and love you and care for you....
To raise a family and so forth...

I always have a heavy feeling inside me because I am not a boy... and ever since I started dating, found out the hard way that no matter who says they love me and want me, the man will always take precedence.

In the end when the man comes around, I dont matter anymore.

Either that or I find myself always at a second rate... I almost always get screwed over.

People tell me I will never find someone to love me the right way here.... because the girls just wanna experiment, or they just think I'm hot and wanna be with me, just for the thrill.

I always love them....and I am choosy no hell, so I'm very particular about a girl I like.


It was such a waste going out with those girls.

The realest thing I've ever felt was with you, Laura.

So...sometimes I think the main barrier between us is the fact that I am a girl...maybe mainly.

But thats sometimes.

I dont wanna be hurt again.

I dont wanna fall with no one to at least offer me a hand...tho I am quite capable of helping myself.

I dunno where I'm goin with this....nor do I know how pathetic I probably sound.

Especially since you probably wont see this.

But even after so long, I can honestly say I love you.

And perhaps...that is exactly where I feel.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

A single kind word from u, makes me smile

And you don't know that, do u?

You know that I love you.

However, I will not rush myself upon you.
Look at me, I am but a girl.

I'm always there, for you... even when u dont know it.

But i know that you search for love, in a fella's arms.
As in a man.

Not a woman.
Not a girl.

Not me.

You know it's there for you, so its not for you to search.

I've shown u in many ways how much I love you.

I am waiting for you to embrace that, but, only if you want to.

Being the person u are, I will not crowd you, the world is yours to explore, and potential lovers are there for you to find.

I know, that although u say, it doesnt matter who you love, and that gender doesnt matter, somewhere inside you, somewhere, it still does matter.

It naturally occurs to you to love a man. That's what we've all been taught.

It doesnt occur to me, but that's me, not you.

Lauralee I will always have love for you.

But above all, I want you to be happy.
And if that takes a guy coming along and you end up falling for him, then, so be it.


Hate being a girl sometimes.....


Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and say,

Why was I made in this design?

Sometimes I feel sick of myself.
Everything about me feels wrong.

I would feel much more comfortable with myself if I were a boy.
I'd be more accepted.
Less ridiculed.
Things about me wouldnt come off as being so weird.

I've noticed that i try to alter my personality so that others would just leave me alone.
I act as if I dont care.
Sarcastic at times.

And other things.

Basically, sometimes I try to act more like other ppl, and less like myself, so that I could generally be accepted and all the focus wont be on me and/or what I do or say.

But they are all attempts to gain some sort of respect from ppl.
More my friends than anyone else.

Because I always feel attacked at times.
Something I do or say, and they always have something to say.

I feel that sometimes I just send something in them that makes them say something to bring me down... or if not so, just something negative.


It's getting to me.
Am I really that badly off still??

And then lauralee says she sees right thru me.

Yeah u do Laura, but not everything.
You literally have no idea of the half of it.

Sometimes, I feel that whilst I look up to them, they look down at me.

And the annoying thing is that people outside of my circle see me as something worth putting faith into, but my close friends dont.

I feel like I have to 'prove' myself to them.

And frankly I'm tired of it.

Also, when I feel down, I feel as if NO ONE should know.
Especially Lauralee.
She tends to make me feel worse at times, because tho she cares, eventually she gets fed up and says that she doesnt.

Or sometimes she just asks too many questions.

She questions my sexuality, always asking why this, and why that.
I know she is concerned, but I know myself, and when I say 'it just is', she says that its bullshit basically.

Like me she cannot simply accept an answer like that, and wants to understand.
But if i was in her position, I wont just say that. I'd at least try to accept that.

And there are times when I want to cry. And be held at least some.

I always stand alone and bear my pain by myself.

I always try to be strong, but I'm actually very fragile at times.
People think I'm such an iron.
Boys are intimidated by me, and I by them.
(Note that these are not my close pals...or at least not my really close ones, cuz some close ones fall here as well.)

They never see my weaknesses.

My really close pals, never seem to see my strengths.
That is how I feel, I could be wrong.

Sometimes, when a friend catches me in a downed state, i feel bad.
Because, as much as I want support, I hate to cry, especially in another's presence.

I would try to evade a girl's gestures and caring, but eventually I may break down right there.

However in front of a guy.... no way.
I feel more ashamed about crying in a guys presence.

He may care, wanna hug me, and I am a girl, so naturally thats ok...
But I'm not a typical girl.... not a normal girl...I dont even wanna be a girl.

I simply dont feel like one inside.

And so with my brothers I tend to act rough and say nothing's wrong.

Basically, all I wanted to let out is....

I just wish ppl would accept me, and stop asking so many questions that I cant even answer.
I wish they would stop looking down at me as a hopeless case.
I wish they could have more positive things to say about me, rather than constantly pointing out the dumb things about me.
I wish I could have someone who would not get so annoyed with me when I am sad.

Basically, I want it to be how it was in Trinidad... there, I was something of a crazy legend. Strange, but definitely respected and adored. (in high school)

Here, I'm.... just someone who constantly gets picked on by ppl, and feels criticized by friends.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Fighting... for this love I trust is definitely real....

It's been a while since I updated.
Recently, I've been on a high... with the knowledge that she feels similar.

It's an awesome feeling... and I'm happy.... yet....

People have been bashing.
Friends of us both have been telling me not to bother with her.
How all I'm doing is putting myself thru stress.
Others warn me of being hurt later on.
More say that they are ashamed of me, still being around after a year.

I don't like to talk about her much to them when they ask, cuz they always have something of that sort to say.

It's not like I'm a hopeless lover, who's "dissatisfied with how things ended before and wanna make this right bcuz of that".


I'm not like that.

I've always been around... because I didnt lie when I said those 3 words to her.
I honestly love her... maybe a bit too much for a 19yr old.

I'm still young, and we defo cannot be together "forever".

I dont believe in forever.

But, I believe in "now", and "always been" and "always will be".

I know.

I've fallen in love with my last girlfriend... and I couldve sworn that she loved me too.

I was still having feelings for Laura, but I loved her (Mahelia) and now I dont even want to remember why, tho I do.

I respected our love, but she didnt, and she turned out to be... something I wont say.

Every time we meet, I feel resentment, but I still say hi.
She used me. badly and she didnt even care about my feelings.
That is why I left her, in a kind manner, i said I'll always care... but yeah.

Even I could say she doesnt deserve it.

But loving Laura is not a rebound. It's always been true.

So I will fight for our love. I will take the blows of everyone and stay strong.
For us both.

I know our pals only want good for me... and dont want to see me hurt.

But I wont be.

They say too: Oh even if it works out 4 a while, she still going to check man, and leave you behind.

Honestly, the thought is not foreign, i've thought it as well.

But I wont entertain it, because I trust her, and for her to tell me she loves me herself, that means something.




I'm not a hopeless and sad "masochist".

I'm just someone who just happened to really love this girl.
I would even support her if she finds a boyfriend who really loves her, and well... might leave them alone in their happiness...because two lovers makes no sense to me.

People may call me stupid... but I'm sorry.
I'm strong.

I've went thru it all.
And will continue to do so.

So, leave me alone, kindly.

I love her and that's a fact i cannot change, not because I dont want to, I have tried, but because I cannot...and I know myself enough to tell.

Friday, March 5, 2010


I've been.
Its like I'm miserable.
But I hide it cuz I dont wanna be a depressed mess.
It just annoys people.

There's a pain inside me.
One I wish to dispose of.

Just how can I "be myself"?
The Bishop said I just need to accept myself.
How can I, when I am of this nature...having to hide important aspects of myself to society because....
Because its "unnatural".

It naturally happened to me.

To feel sad due to yourself, because the reason you are sad is the fact of who you the worst.

I was in peppy moods at the beginning of the year.
I am a new person.

But why?

Why did I have to be this way?

This is something I cannot change.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Sigh... this is how I really feel.

Today was not a good day for me.
This morning, i cried.
At the bishop's I held back some serious tears.

At school....
I broke down.

So three times today I was emotionally wreaked.

My pals just wanted to understand me.
Inside, I was actually flattered.

But given my mood for the day...
I didn't want to talk much because all I'd do is cry.

I didn't wanna cry in front of them.
I just didn't want to.

I felt ashamed.

But I'm glad I did.
Though i still didnt give a real explanation because I just wouldve cried more.

And I didn't want to cry so much.


They said I lie alot.
Ok, i do lie.
But not as much as they think.

Oh, sometimes the lies are incredibly useless and obvious.
Lol. (That's a real lol :D)

But sometimes I really do mean what I say.

They really didn't hurt my feelings today.
Why I felt so sad is because the subject had upset me before, and there it was again, to explain.

Then, Laura.... she cared so much.
So did Cheri-Ann.

They are so awesome. :)

They cracked jokes.
They were funny... but given my mood all of them led me to think about my "gayness" and saddened me more.

But, I honestly know to myself that I am gay.

And so I decided, that since I really couldn't explain to their faces, much less when Abigail and Delon showed up....
Anyway the reason for that is, yes, Abi WILL crash the points I make.
I was already not able to compose myself sufficiently enough to explain...

And I WOULD have cried... again.
No way did I want to cry, especially in front of Abi.

Because I'd feel super embarrassed.

Firstly, Abi has some ways. Sometimes, she'd insult me and usually I wouldnt care much, because, that's just Abi.

So, given that I dont usually care about what she says normally, crying in front of her then because this topic has turned out to be an emotional one for me....
Would've just made me feel worse.

But then, as Laura said, if I feel sad, I should cry.
It's really a release... I had been holding those tears up for at least two weeks.

Anyway, I figure since they've been so loyal as to ditch class and stay with me, I will spill it out here.
Thank you again you guys.

This is me being honest.
I hope you guys don't think I'm lying.

Laura-> The reason why I couldn't keep a straight face with you when you made that face is because I was mega embarrassed. Of course I wouldnt have said that then... I wouldnt have admitted. Also Thanks so much for the hug... i really appreciate it...I wouldve hugged you back, I'm a bit more affectionate than I used to be... but the hug you gave me made me cry even more...

Cheri-Ann-> Thanks to you too. And you could believe me when I say stuff... I'm not that much of a liar. I'm not saying that I don't lie... but sometime when I say no really and then my eyes drift away is because I feel embarrassed. And because of my embarrassment today... led me to cry as well.

Based on topic:

From where we left off, I clearly remember the last question: "And what is romance for you?"

I couldnt answer that in the state I was...

But as much as you guys wanna know, I want u guys to know.

Cheri-Ann... please don't get freaked out.
Laura... I know you wont, but yeah.^^

Romance for me is romance for you guys.
Except its a bit different for me, in that yeah... my orientation and also, my approach.

For me, I like to take on a "fairy tale" aspect.
I tend to be at my romantic peak when I'm in a nice scenery with my girl or in music.


This is where I admit where I have lied: I have become sexually intimate with a girl before. And in this case, I was the one who initiated. It was totally what I wanted, I wasn't forced in any way.
Although... it didnt go "that" far......ish.

I didn't want to say that aloud, cuz i didnt wanna freak anyone out.

But yes, I actually do fathom being sexually active with a girl.
It freaks me out... when openly expressed.
I don't like to talk about it, because I'm the only gay one here in our group of four.

Romance for me starts out like this:


I see a girl I like.

At said times, the attraction is physical.
I say to myself, hey, she looks hot.

But then I watch how she carries herself.
Then if I'm further interested I say,
"I'd like to get to know at least her name."

Now because I can't immediately tell whether she's that way or not, I make a very platonic approach, yet somehow, unusually friendly.

And, as I get to know the person, then I get to know where they stand.

It's kinda simple... simpler when they tell me themselves.... which is normally the case.

Now if said girl really liked me back...
At first, I wouldnt be very affectionate yet.
I'd tell her nice stuff, and gradually get to the point where I'd surprise her with a kiss scenario... which is super cool.
Umm... or if she pulls me in because I teased her a bit.

For me...
I would get physical with a girl, only and only if I have emotional feelings for her.
The sheer desire to be there to love, support and protect her becomes stronger.

I automatically take upon myself the guy role.

When I said I was somewhat transgendered, I meant to refer to the society role I feel most comfortable in.

Inside, I feel like a guy.
But it's not like a necessarily want male sexual parts.
Although being a guy does involve this... it being pointed out so directly..makes me feel weird.

As for marriage... I do fantasize about it from time to time. my mind I am always a guy in my subconscious.
I dream as being the best father there ever was.
I dream of having a daughter and a son. Yeah, just two initially.
I dream of having a really active yet laid back and awesome wife.
I dream of it all....
And then get pissed off.

Reality kicks in.
I can't be a father.
I'm not a guy.

And then I say...
"Eh... I don't wanna be married."

I've also thought of marrying a guy and this is how I pictured it:
I say shit and say that I'd treat him badly.
Truth is a dont have the nerve, though I'm more aggressive and "on point" with guys... I still am nice to them.

If I had a husband... this is how I pictured it to work:
So me and my male honeybun (or whatever) would be total equals.
I mean like to the exact same chores for example.
It'd be like brother and and very masculine sister more than husband and wife.

We'd do a whole lot of crazy shit together.
I may wanna spar with him and compete with my strength. (then I'd imagine that I'm tough enough :))
I'd wanna take over and do his manly...stuff.

But with children... we'd have a problem.
Sex with a guy... the thought irks me.
More specifically, the thought of ME having sex with a guy irks me.
I get "goosebumps".

It would be much harder for me to be "romantic" towards a guy, rather than a girl.
Trust me.

Though I've never actually been with a guy, I've had some strong feelings for a couple... the deepest being with Dion, remember?

But every time he'd advance, I get tense.
What literally goes through my mind:
"What the hell dude? Don't you see i'm a----"
Then the pause in my head.

Naturally, the last word would be "a dude".
Reality: I am not.

And that frustrates me.

Now I dunno why it does... that I cannot explain.
I cannot explain just what led me to like girls, but I remember the first thought I ever had when I had just entered adolescence.
The first ever that led to my romance period.

Laura, you were partially right. But not fully.
You see, my father did lead to it... but it wasnt because i was afraid of a man treating me the way he treated girls.

Everytime I would see him doing that shit then, I mused to myself.
But there came I time when this thought came in:

"I would never be as horrible as you. Girls deserve better. I will be better than you. I would be the best I can be and the gentlest towards them. I would love them, more than you ever could."

At that time I used to write all my inner thoughts inside a book, but this one i never forgot.

At that time, it didnt mean much to me, then I was just being me.
Not once then did I think, hey, you cant love a girl like that, you are one. Never.
To me it just was natural.

From since I was 14 I naturally had an eye for girls, and never questioned it.
Sexual feelings did come along, and in my fantasies... I was always with a a guy.
In my thoughts I was a guy.
It is strange.

First all i desired was a kiss.
Then, the other stuff came along.
Not once did I ever think i was wrong.

Until I came here in DA.

Until I first began to question it.

And then I realized that I had to come out of the closet that I previously wasnt aware of.

They more i realized that these feelings were unnatural for me, the more I became engulfed in my thoughts, soul searching, looking for answers.

Before I realized though, people used to say, "oh, are you gay?"
I used to take offense: "No, why the hell did you think that"

And at the same time used to harbor very natural desires for a girl in my class.
I was extremely shy... I used to just look at her in a distance.
I played guitar then, so at a latter point when i locked myself in my room, I'd write music that she'd never hear for her.
When we played hockey together (yep, we were on the same team), I'd look at her move gracefully while hockey balls hurdled at me (yep, i was goalie, she was one of the forerunners).

Pretty silly, due to preoccupation of thoughts about her I would nearly forget i was supposed to be stopping people from getting goals.
At one late attempt, i fell hard on my head. (had a helmet though)
She came running... and she helped pick me up and stuff.
I held her and hugged her.
That was an awkward time to do it... the game was on pause though.
She was like, why are you hugging me Sade, and laughed.
I blushed... and then got embarrassed.

People were watching me like, what?

But yeah.

I guess I'd stop here.
Dont wanna make it too long... although... it still is long.

Thanks again you guys. I hope I sorta cleared things. ^^

Thank so much for being the friends you are.

For the pub...

I can't take it anymore.
Being a gay person really saddens me.
There's pain everywhere, I never say nothing about them.
Someone tells me something, or something else happens.
Ok, I do care about people!

I didn't choose this!

I wish i wasnt.

Today I am to talk to the bishop.

I'm gonna tell him everything.
This is like a constant soul search for me.
I can't just be me at all.
Because people everywhere would have something else to say.

I'm actually crying; the pain I can hold no more.
I feel so alone in this wicked world.
And no one is on my side.I don't wanna cry anymore.
I wanna be happy.
Yet I have never fully beenThen this whole want of love.... i could do without.
I want love.
I wanna give it to someone.Lord, why was I born a girl?!
Why couldn't I be a guy?

Then my love wouldnt be wrong.

and then maybe, I wouldnt be alone.

Reason why I am alone is not because I have no choice, a few girls do want me.
But my stubborn love would not subside, nor will I allow it to.
I'm happy that it's true but...

It also hurts.
Really bad.

I'm sad....

I can't take it anymore.
Being a gay person really saddens me.
I didn't choose this!

I wish i wasnt.

Today I am to talk to the bishop.

I'm gonna tell him everything.
This is like a constant soul search for me.
I can't just be me at all.
Because people everywhere would have something else to say.

I'm actually crying; the pain I can hold no more.
I feel so alone in this wicked world.
And no one is on my side.

Even the fact that I'm in love make me cry.
Because I cannot tell her; she doesnt feel the same.

I cant stand being myself.

All my desires are being disregarded.

Oh my God please!

I don't wanna cry anymore.
I wanna be happy.
Yet I have never fully been.

Then this whole want of love.... i could do without.
I want love.
I wanna give it to someone.

But look at me!
I'm a girl as well.
It's gonna be wierd.

Lord, why was I born a girl?!
Why couldn't I be a guy?

Then my love wouldnt be wrong.

and then maybe, I wouldnt be alone.

Reason why I am alone is not because I have no choice, a few girls do want me.
But i love her like no other.
And my stubborn love would not subside, nor will I allow it to.
I'm happy that it's true but...

It also hurts.
Really bad.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Will be busy for the next few days, hopefully you may be able to clear things up for me?

Hello Lauralee.
Yeah, I know you won't get this.
But whatever.

Look, I love you. Okay?
But i haven't said jack-shit. Why?
Well basically because I don't know if you're interested.
You confuse me y'know.
One minute, you suggest to me that you like me.
Next minute; "Oh, what's the big deal with me for you anyway?"

That's the only way I could describe it.

I hope you find your love.
You want it? Then go get it.

What you are failing to realize is that I love you.

Just in case you were wondering.

Why do I love you?

I want you to ask me that to my face again.
i want you to.
And I will give you the answer.
One YOU WONT be able to question again.

You frustrate me.
I love you, but i can't show you that.
Because you WILL become distant. Previous experiences have shown me this. You will.

Maybe it's because I am a girl.
Like i said before, I am sorry I'm not a guy.
I know full well that I am gay.
And that you are NOT.

Yet I love you.
But are you ready?

Can you do this?

Are you willing to feel what it's like to be truly loved?
Not in that way those guys do....which is not serious mind you.
Did you even really love them then?

The past is dead to me.
This is what it is now.

And I love you now.
I'm waiting now.

For an answer.
Preferably NOW.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Life's a rush! And yet, so slow...

((That last entry's been named inappropriately, but too lazy to change it...))

Yep, things are always happening.

I meet alot of new people, and every once in a while, there's a girl who's bi who likes me at least a little.

I glad that I'm interesting to them; I appreciate it.
I talk to them, we exchange numbers,(or I just give mine) and yeah.
I'm always polite.
And I may flirt a little.

But it happens so often now....
And sometimes I'm like:
"Oh jeez, where are they coming from all of a sudden?"

I love Lauralee like I dunno how to explain.
But I cannot just rush and be all lovey-ish or whatever you call it cuz.... she may be freaked out. It has happened before.
It's not like I'm being cautious, no, I am perusing her, but not quite obviously, not so quickly.
For these things to happen in a good way, progression is needed.
I wanna progress, and not just jump.

Also...imagine if she doesn't wanna be with me? If that were the case, if I just jump in and be all "I love you" and stuff, what do you expect?
Her avoiding you.

It's a normal thing for anyone; a normal thing I DONT want to reoccur.

Then too, i think she's sorta questioning....maybe...if she is considering the thought of being with me.
She mentioned it once;
"Naturally, I believe a girl should be with a guy. I mean if you are gay I respect you, but I don't think that you are "gay", like truly, not really."

I dont wanna rush her, I wanna let her do whatever she wants. I'm doing whatever I want; I love her.

And thats something I can barely help.

Then again, she undoubtedly likes guys. She's a normal girl, more or less.
I don't like guys at all.

Now, if she is with me, there WILL be a guy coming in and out at the same time, I mean come on, do I really think she would want to spent a relationship with me alone?

I don't think so. Although I'd like to think she would, she won't because that has happened before....twice.

It's cuz, like it or not, i am a girl.

As a girl, I lack some important qualities a guy would normally possess.
It's that simple.
It took me a fleching year to get that into my head, as much as I want, I'm not a guy. Point blank.

I would really love to love someone who would be mine alone.
But here, that just would not happen.

It never did.
With my 2nd, it didn't, though I thought otherwise at first.

With a girl I was interested in after, it wasn't.

With a girl who's interested in me nowadays, i know it wouldn't. She made it clear without me even having to ask, without me even being interested.

So, what chance do I have here in Dominica?
I'll tell you, none at all.

However....I love her so much that it sorta doesnt matter.
Maybe she will love me back as much.
I won't stop her from checking guys and stuff.

But then, sometimes I wish I was a guy, so I wouldn't have to deal with that at all.

My life is mucho busy.
I still feel a lil lazy, but its cool.
I like being busy.

I don't act like such an overt freak these days.

There's just too much to mention when it come to this so, lol.
Maybe another time.

But that's that.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Down,but not enough to cry...*Update*

I'm a little downish.
Not to sure as to why.

There's so many things happening now.
From everywhere, a new girl announces her interest.

Older, younger, no matter.
But I'm in love already.
Is that wrong?

Jeez, I dont know.
One minute i think I have a chance with her, the next I feel like I'm pushing my luck.

The thing is I don't want her to get tired of me again.
So that's why I keep at least a little distance.

Today, she told me that my "bro" told her about her classmate who likes me.
She asked why didn't I tell her.
I was like, I've only seen her once.
Then I made a silly comment on purpose; "She probably forgot".

It sorta seemed as if she was encouraging me underhandedly to go on with her?
I dunno.

I dunno if she knows that she's the one I've fallen for.

For two days I had the idea that maybe she likes me again.
Now, I'm back at the thought that I have to keep that in a little longer.

It hurts.
But i'm willing to wait for as long as it takes....
What a fool I must be.

But perhaps she has feelings for me.

How do I get from this stage to the next?

Thae last thing I want to do is to make an unwanted move.
I mean, we're cool as friends. But somehow, I want more than that.

And that's a risky transistion. So I'm taking my time, and still ready to advance anytime.

Also, today I was feeling jerkish.
For something little though.
I was feeling a little bad because I really get a little mad at myself if i make her even a little upset. But I didn't feel bad for long anyway.

Soon, we will be together.
I wanted to be with her by the end of four days.
I may have to extend that.

But.... my hopes are still not shattered.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I feel kinda down...

And I'm not sure why.

Heh, well for two days I was involved in some JedWard things.

It was the best two days yet.
Another way to relate to laura, i said to myself.

But then she gets possessive.
Which is ok, I'm used to it.
I wasn't hurt.

But things just got boring again.

Oh jeez, I wanna get closer to her.

But I don't wanna be too rushed, I cant be.

I want her to love me too.

One of her tweets suggested that she did; someone comes into your life and half of you says you're no where near ready, but the other half says make her yours forever...make me yours.

Normally, that'd be directed at a guy.... but then I saw... "her".

I was so happy, thinking that it's me.

I'm sure it was.^^


I feel sorta bad.

I feel like I totally killed her fanbase thing.

I killed it.


My gosh...

O well.
She'll get over it soon and start the bubbly fanbase-in thing again.

And i won't interfere.

But then other things got to me.

And those where the things that led to my pep leaving me.

So now I'm like I hope I feel all happy again.


At least my blog spells it out.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


When I first saw you, you were just another girl.
When we became friends, first thought was, she's so nice and bubbly. I like her.
As we became closer, I knew you a little more.
I felt for you more.
I grew to love you.
Took me a while to do so properly.

Three years later (about)...

I still love you.
Your hair too, lol.

But I love YOU.
You're beautiful and smart, and you need someone there to tell you that every now and again.
You have your faults, but I have mine too, and I love you for them as well.
Yes I love you.

I do whether it's wrong or right.
Even when you hurt me inside I could never say 'I hate you' and mean it.

I love you.

Love is easier proclaimed than meant.

But this is not just proclamation, but a realization.

Are we really a destined pair?
"We are a pair,", is that really true?
We must be.

Lauralee, I love you.
I've been around, but why have meaningless affairs with a random girl when you already and always have had my heart?

I singled myself for you even when I was so sure you didn't care.

But now...

I know you love me too.

Why do I love you, you asked me.

I love you, because you are who you are, you.
That bubbly, happy, sweet, and the emotional, the sometimes mean, and the one who tends to jump to conclusions.

I love you.
I have handled your faults.
People may get pissed off at you for them, and it hurts me sometimes too.
But I always say, "It's a part of her I accept because it's a part of her."

It's not hard for me to say that we really are a pair, and that I love you to death.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I... Laura.... Find the truth in me, dear seeker of truth...

That you could see.
I love you.
Lauralee, I love you.
But for now, I wont tell you.
I want you to love me too.
And like a fool I will wait until you do.
It's been a year of progression.
We changed for the better.
I found a way to control the weirdness.
I'm comfortable with myself.
I'm gay.
Yes Laura, I still am.
Whether you believe it or not; I'm more gay than I am straight.
And I'm just me.

I fell for you.

I don't want you to avoid me so I won't tell you.

But you are beautiful.
As a person.
As you are, all the good and bad, the rational and the irrational, the generous and the mean.

I love you unconditionally.

You insulted me.
You said I didn't know what love is.
You said that i'm referring to feelings and associating them with love.

How dare you question what I know?

True, I'm no expert.
But I know how I feel.
i know myself.
And I know I love you.
I love you goddamnit!

I will shout the truth until you believe.
Without uttering a word.

I want you to see.
Someday, I pray that you'd love me again.

You may not even be bi.
But Laura, you stole my heart and I don't want it back.
You said it's all about personality.

I love you for yours.

No begging here. But I still pray to have you in my arms and to make you happy.

How many people do you know cares for you, even after two years and more, and can defiantly say, that they care for you? Other than your parents.

Oh dear seeker of truth, find the truth in me.

When you really love someone...

When it's not just a word,
When it's what you feel,
When it's what you know.

When it's something you didn't expect
What you didn't want, because of certain
Events that ceased to matter
Those things became dim.

When it's due to someone's very person
Just them, and fully them
Not just the parts of her you love
No, just her, it's all her.

You know her faults, you know her well
She knows you well, but not it all
Your lack of trust, brought up that fall
Long time now up, but still in love.

No need to prove, you know you love
No matter what
You know you love
And now the chance
Is all you need
But you won't show
But wait and see.

Not simply just
Of feelings
That "feel like it's love"

You know it's hardcore
It took over you
You know it's true
It took over you
But you won't tell
Her how you feel
But wait and see
If she might feel.

This risk you take
After that aftertaste
And sure possibility
Of hurt to take place

But you live on
With stupid hope
And pray to God
That this might work.


How I long for something.
How I long for someone.
I long for happiness.
You're the one I long for.
Once more.
And again.

I was reading some pieces and watching some pictures submitted by a girl on deviantart, in one of my groups. Dedicated to the LGBT community.

And she's so happy with her girlfriend.
And they are just such a lovely couple.

I asked myself, "Why couldn't I be like her?"
"I wanna be just like her.
And she had a story like mine.
Had a girlfriend, they fell out, and then, the second chance."

I wonder when will ours come, if it does.

I close my eyes and she's there.


Her name is lovely y'know.

She is beautiful.

But I keep all my thoughts to myself.

I long for the day when we give in to love.

For now, I'll just hope and pray.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Presently, these days...

I feel more mature.
Now i have a job, a good one too.
I really appreciate it, and I'm playing the part; a somewhat mature-ish 18yr old who stumbled unto the cooperate world.

Not a very nice place by the way.

It's kinda hard.
These days my energy level has dropped severely.

I feel tired all the time.

So now I've changed my sleeping patterns... again.
I'd say so far it's going ok.

Now at school:

Sometimes I'm too tired to even show up at classes.
Hope that changes.

Almost everyday, other than going to classes, I meet up with my friends.
Most times it's Lauralee, Cheri-Ann, and Abigail in their group of 3, before I come along.

I always have a tendancy to want to playfully harass my "brother".

But towards lauralee and Abigail, though I'm still friendly, I try to give an impression that deserves some type of respect.

So I don't act goofy. Or overly playful. I'm always trying to "keep my composition".

That's because I made myself look stupid and these two were prone to being mean to me or just plain disrespecting me.

I didn't like it, so I made my resolution to not be as stupid as last year.

See where this comes in?

So these days I just act myself, without the goofiness. Not hard really.

I don't wanna look like a fool anymore.

But that's not all.

I am still in love with Lauralee in particular.
But because of past experiences with me showing affection and she giving me the cold shoulder, i just decided to keep it as my secret.

It hurts though; everytime I see her i'm being reminded of why I love her so much.
And it's not her clothes, or hairstyle or anything right in front of your face, no.

It's simply her as a person.

So it's even harder to be there subduing my feelings, its almost depressing.

My love feels unrequited and like she said it should just die.

So there I am hiding my feelings and acting like it doesnt affect me. What a pain.

She acts much nicer toward me. I dunno, maybe she's making a concerted effort.
But this is why I don't do anything "out of it" anymore; so that she won't have to try and just be nice to me.

Y'know, just normal.
Like she is toward everyone else.

Then I wish that someday she'd love me again.
You know, just have the same feelings that I do for her.


I tear up about it, but that's when I'm alone or when I'm walking home along the coastline.
It's my secret.

These days are hard, but I've been through harder.
I dunno I just wanna be happy.

I wanna be successful at work and not so tired.
I wanna actually get some A's in school.
I wanna be respected not just by some, no, by everyone.
I wanna announce my love for Laura and for her to be happy because she loves me too.
I wanna be able to greet her with kisses and just show her how loved she is by me and how true i've been with this from since ever.
I wanna give her myself and love her to the fullest; I mean, I know what i'm about now and I'm not such a noob anymore.
I wanna make her happy; jeez I "over-care" about that girl.

And I just want things to flow.

I pray to God for these things, yeah ALL of these things.
Yeah I even pray for Laura.
I tell him a million times how much I love her and how I dunno how i can stop, because I can't.

I love her, whether it's wrong, or right.

How unconditional is that?

And the worst thing is that I'm only 18.
Why do I have to fall for such strong love now?

People say she's just your first but that statement is false.

What am I to do?
My answer to that is to wait it out for now and live everyday as a new one.
And just see.

Patience is really a virtue.
I exercise it well now.

If she really doesn't want me anymore well I'm just gonna be the victim of love.
It will hurt and I'm all ready for it, but it will still hurt.
But much less now because I'm keeping a lil distance while I'm still around.

That's where the job came in.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

I wish you knew...

I looked up at the sky, and I thought of you.
But naw, i wont tell you that, even though its true.

I doubt you'd even care.
Sure you'd freak out, but I must accept.

For you, liking me as a girl was just a phase.

My God, how much hurt my heart has gone through?
Why is it still beating, why still for you?

My heart like yours, could've died and be concealed.
But I let all my feelings out, I mean come on, this is how I feel.

And I still love you, but to you these words I cannot tell.
Because I said it too much, did you believe; this is where we fell.

I wanna shout at you and tell you this is how I feel.
How this is not just an association of feelings that I tend to feel.

I am very pro-choice but this i didn't choose.
Cuz if i did I couldve gone so far away and still not lose.

But sitting watching sunsets while rapid thoughts go through my head,
And involuntary tears fall down, and they take their stead.

Sometimes I even wish that somehow I were dead,
But living hiding feelings for you is better than that compared.

Maybe you'd always say that there's no opportunity
I will always be right here... even though you'd never love me.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Infatuation? Or love?

I know what infatuation is.
I've known that before love.
Infatuation is just real common these days.

My friend Mint (that the name he goes by) says that he doesn't wanna fall in love; would rather be infatuated because at least there is an end.

I totally understand where he's coming from.

With infatuation, though feelings are involved and such, there is an end to them as well.


Well that, is something else all together.

As for unrequited love?
My friend Lauralee (well she's actually the girl I love -.-) said that it should just die.

I know sorta what it's like to have your love unrequited.

I could tell the difference.

(Mentioning all the relevant... )
I was infatuated with Miriam, the girl i first had feelings for.
I was interested in Sherell.

Ok, whatever, whats the point of mentioning names anyway?
Don't wanna spill too much beans.
Those two are just two from Trinidad.

Of course these things happened here too in Dominica, even more so.

Love hurts.

With Laura, I hold all and I mean ALL the lovey stuff behind.
All the emotions are hidden.
The love has been subdued.

But I didn't mean to be distant.
She said that I was being that way.

I just didnt have anything to say. That is... in relevance to the topic.

And as for with love?
I wont say shit.
Not now.
I worked so hard to get it not to bother me, got a job to better myself and keep myself occupied, so that I wont just linger around her all the time so.... to got back and mess things up.

So there.

In most ways for me... infatuation feels better.

But love is what I treasure.
Yeah I know some people would be like "huh! her? she's against love" and whatnot if they ever heard me say this.

But its true.

I have, feel and want to show my love for Laura.
But for now?

Best I just keep quiet.

"The Hidden..."

All my feelings I express here are rarely or never shown.
These, are feelings found in the depths of my person.
I never demonstrate them, because they do not affect me enough to.
Nor do I want them to.

However, I do not keep my feelings inside.
This is how i let them out.

Most people talk it out.
Most people have friends who are willing to hear the real stuff; who actually have the patience.

But me? Though I have people like that around, its not very easy to express myself with these emotions.

I am more introvert.

So this is my method.

At school; I act myself. I'm not acting any role, who I am at school, is me in society.

And personally, to a point.

Among my friends, everything is alright.

Around her, everything is alright as well.
We're friends, so I do not entertain feelings toward her.

But that doesnt mean I ignore it.

But here, its a bit better to be secretive.

What can I say?

Life's there to live.
And so, I do.

Monday, February 1, 2010

"We are a pair"... no... we WERE.....

You remember that line?
"We are a pair"?
"I knew there was something about you"?

Nah, you've forgotten.
But I never did.

Can't blame you for having fleeting memory.
But mine stays intact.
Especially if it's important to me.

I don't know.

Those words hit my heart and makes me wanna cry.
But I'm not normally "maco"....

I dunno... you send the worst parts of me out.
And the best.

Why are you like that? Why do you affect me? Why does this have a wicked, selfish effect on me?

I could never forget you.

But you'd forget me.... sadly.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Choking me....slowly.....

Another musical piano piece I plan to make; here are the lyrics:

A lack of feeling
A lack of knowing
That you and I
Won't ever exist again

Pretentious smiles
And wide set grins
While this pain lies
Beneath my skin

Cannot tell you
I long to show you
That if anyone mattered
To me
That its you

But you don't care
You don't know
Maybe its best
If it remains so

Yet it chokes me
Stunted breathing
Described from my every
Just how long will I last?

When you fall inside
I stand, watch and wish you'd fly

I'd catch you in midair
Leap to death
I don't care

Instead of seeing you

You depict such memories
While you make them
Such beauty of art
That lies inside you

You feel alone inside
Behind the joke, you hide

I feel deeply for you
But you dont want me
To be the one who'd come to save you
So i stand in my distance
Whilst you wait for that guy
Yeah, that one guy...

Well, where is he
Who'd say "I love you"?
Who'd be so glad
With the love from you?
With whom you'd make sweet love
And become one
With celebration of what's true?

He seems to be taking his sweet time
But I'm sick of seeing you
Without someone to call yours
To hold on tight and protect you

Well I'm not that guy
I'm not a guy but my feelings soar
They are all for you
But you don't care at all.....

Yeah.... the piano piece is instrumental.
It will be generated and composed on FL Studio 8 Producer Edition.
And guess what??

She'd never know.

I can live through my pain.
But I hope that hers will end soon.
Even if not ever with me.

How many stupid but selfless lovers exist?

Saturday, January 23, 2010 thinking of going Anti....

It sure as hell sickens me.

Truth is that I didnt know.
"Was just a phase?
Was more or less an experiement, to see where your feelings lie?"

I'd prefer if you told me yourself;
"Hey, I dont like you in that way anymore, i'm not bi, that was just a phase. So don't mistake anything I do to mean anything, and dont get confused."

Or something like that.

Now, she's goona avoid me like the plague..... worse than that.
And you know what?

Let her.
It's ok.

She always gets mad at me anyway.
And it's not like I'm gonna be too upset, I'll be busy still with my life.

And.... I hate facebook.
I'm gonna fucking leave it.

She took the comment the wrong way, ok fine, that's ok.
She got insulted, ok, i understand.

I apologize, but she's too mad to see my sincerity and all she can say is, "fuck you!" and "ur an asshole!"

I try to hide my wall from the public, so NO ONE could see anything on it; was gonna let the day pass, just so that she wont see anything to upset her again, and lo and behold....
She blocks me.

Now, the blocking and the rash replies don't account too much for me, i mean, she's mad so I dont blame her.

But she's just so disgusted by me.
And guess what?
I'm fed up of her and this stuff that keeps happening.

Like she leaves a comment like " Girl go and find a man eh honestly, and leave me alone. And as for d other one, you already choose him, so check your scin..bounce".

You know, I dont really care.
I know, one of the two people mention there is directed at me, I just dont know for sure which one.

You know what?
I WISH she was in my position and that I was in hers. Then she'd be the one being hurt deeper and I'd be the one waving my anger around!

But then, I NEVER post my true feelings on facebook. Never.

Only here on my private blog.

There are no links.
No alternatives.
Hopefully... no traces.

She doesn't know the sitename.

I'm an anonymous follower of her blog.
So she still can't see me.
She doesn't follow my blog so she doesn't get any updates at all.

So it's very private.

And I say it all here.
It's how I feel, not meant to demean or anything.

So..... as for the next month or so....

I'm gonna leave without a trace.
So there.
You won't see me again.

Friday, January 22, 2010


Is definitely found in love.
Why did I have to fall for her?
I'm mad at myself a little.
I wish I could just see her like just another friend I have who's a girl and that's it.

But I cant.


It's one thing to love someone who loves you back, at least to some similar degree or somethin, even though you can be together.
It's another, however, to love someone who probably doesnt, and will not, and who u shouldnt hope to, love you back, nothin more than as a friend.

I dont wanna lose her, so I act the friend role, well I am her friend, duh!
But it sad sometimes for me.
I miss her.
I try my best not to make her know that.

If I am tru to my feelings with her, she avoids me like the plague at times.
So with her, I must lie, to keep this.

I don't like to hold my feelings in.
It makes me so emotional and tears run down my eyes as they've been holding up all day for days, behind the smiles, which are not fake, I mean I enjoy my life, but there's still a hole.

Love is blind, def, and dumb, people may say.
And yes, in some ways they are right.

But my love is not blind; i see the good and bad, the upcoming pain and the wounds that will heal time and time again, both given by the two parties involved; us, if we were to ever come back together, which will never happen anyway.

Def? It can be, but I sure do listen to anything she says and respect it, and anything anyone else says once related to her or anything around there.

Dumb? Sometimes my love is very quiet, but only because it must be. It must stay quiet, so that she wont evade me. Or abandon me and leave me alone.

What can I say? It destroys me, but I rather that somehow..... or not.
I rather not be in love, then I won't feel this way.
But I am, and I cope with it, and though I know fully, that my yearnings will only bring me further down under.......

I wont lie.

I feel this way, and it's truer than anything else I've ever felt.

>.> I miss you, and I'm sorry, but I'm hopelessly and deeply in love with you.

(Even though I have many options and this is no sense of desperation, or neediness, but if u feel such things, for someone, you do tend to need the person.
I know you don't like it, so I'm sorry that you had to be the one.)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

My god... How I hopelessly fall for you....

Why are you like that?
You steal my heart from me so often, its crazy.
I keep my composition around you, but when alone I gaze into nothingness and think of only you.
Wow.... you are beautiful.
Simply stunning, girl you are hot.
I don't know why you tend to think you're not.

I'm like a sick boy in a crush.
Though this is not merely a crush.
I love you, like words could never explain.

My god, Laura, you are my love.
I know that your sometimish with me; sometimes ur in sometime ur out.
Sometimes you like, others, definately not.

Laura, you are something else.
I accept you for you entirely.

Here I am, acting all "well, she's my friend, it's no biggie" jeez!
Laura, I love you so much you wont believe!

I need you.
I want you.
I gotta have you.
I wanna make you want me too.

You won't know how it happens, but when it does, you'll be in for something new.
I am not the girl you knew a year ago.

So, bust that.
Come with me when you know that I'm gunning for you.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


She's mad at us all.
I did something, or said something to piss her off.

Well it's her right to be mad, if it hurt, she has all the right to act towards it.

I'm not even a little mad at her.
I understand how she feels.
The wierd things is that she is one of the very few I just can't get too mad at for long, or when she acts out how she feels negatively, i just understand and have nothing to say against it.

But i do get mad at her.
It's normal and expected.

She says I lie and that i get sick of her.

I don't get "sick" of her.
I get irated sure.
I get pissed sure.
Sometimes I even have feelings of hate for her when i'm hurt by her.
But i can't hate her.
I can't stay mad at her.

Most times if I'm upset I just cry over it alone.
Let the tears flow.
Write a few poems and stack them away with the LOADS and LOADS of papers I have from her and to her from since I first knew her.

And then that's it.

My mind is always on her, she never leaves.
Sometimes I hate it, most times I'm glad.

Because I know that I love her.

Sometimes, when she makes it sound as though I don't care about her, i get really insulted.

Because I know that that's not true.
I not only care for her, wanna look up to her and be there for her, support her in anyway....
I LOVE that girl to death.

But I can only do so as a friend, and that too, is beause I know she wants that, even though it hurts me, and though I may have selfish feelings from time to time....

It's her I care about, her feelings.

I always use her facebook as an update to how she feels, as a hints for what she won't tell me.

I look at her msn pm's too on live spaces.

And anywhere else i can remember, but these are the two main places.

But, I hurt her in ways I never am aware of at the time.... and it's not cool.
Sometimes I hate myself for them, but I'm never too hard on myself because I'm only human after all.

She removed me and some pals off her facebook.

And I'm not even a little mad.
It's not that I don't care.
We talked online.
She said everything she wanted to say.
She warned me.
So it's not too much of a shock.

I respect her in the greatest ways.

She doesn't know, but i really love that girl in the truest form.
Maybe I could never be with her physically... i'm not very physical.
But I've never stopped being in love with and loving her.
And it's the pain I am willing to endure for as long as it will remain.
Because I just love her like that.
If i tell her that to her face she may not get the extent cuz i wont be able to explain it so well with my mouth.

But still, it's the through.
It's not a secret.

I don't hide it.
It's an unsaid thing, and I'm sure she picks it up a little.

So now, she's really upset.

She's a strong feeler and I respect her for it, she's allowed to feel.

No matter how deep.
It's all good.

Hey, i feel too much too.

So i would know.

I really hope that she gets me fully.
See that I'm not lying.
Know that I am always there.

I just want her to live her life happily; she always hurt, and I contribute.

That's the bad part.

I better watch myself closer so I won't hurt her so much again.