Thursday, December 31, 2009


I read her updates for MSN. There was one; "My girl, if you wanna break up wid me, just say so now! I won't rock da chain if you have bad blood against me."

I didn't get the feeling that we were ever "together" past Fabruary.

Why isn't she just straight up?

I feel more sick now.

I wanna cry.

I am the stupidest person I know, and now I hate myself for feeling like this.

Maybe it's just fate, and we weren't ever meant to be.
I wish I could just believe that and go on, for Christ's sake!

I wish all would just leave me alone.

I wanna die.... frustration is killing me. I want to give up...

But I'm incapable of.
I... simply can't.
This is torture.
Just... take me away.
I'm tired.

I'm sick of it....

Two years.....
Two frikkin years! Why am I so pathetic?
I don't ever normally stay in one position due to someone in one year, let alone two!

I love her.
I hate it, but I love her.
It's not a mere association of feelings.
I wish; it would've been easier.

I feel sick.
When I think of her, I feel sad.
When I hear her name, I get mad.
Any connections made by anyone else between me and her pisses me of.
But somehow still, because I feel this way I am glad.

I talked to AJ yesterday.
She said, don't get too frustrated, you feel so strongly, it ain't fake. I know you're strong, so endure the pain until you get what you aim for.

That's masochism.
Trust me, that's brutality.

Everytime I see her, my heart jumps.
My stomach aches.

But I hold them all back.

I smile everytime for others to see.
Pull it off for all as a joke.
It's the truth I won't let them see.

It's killing me, slowly.
But my heart still beats strongly.
Of no one I am void.
But I can't let her go.

I've tried to tell myself "I hate her,"
But as soon as I see her, the sadness fades.

What is it that makes her deserve this feeling within me, that has me enraged?

I sicken myself everytime when I say "I hate you," and know it's a lie.

I'm feeling so stupid right now.

This love inside, indeed is unrequited.

So why do I bother, to feel so inside?

It's makes me sick, like a sick addiction; feeling this way at all.

I wish I could forget her that way, and just be happy.

But no! My life won't let me feel that way!

I've finally got rid of that old bracelet.

I found it somewhere, and I threw it, over a bridge, into the river, and just watched it flow away.

No tears inside my eyes then, for a moment, i thought I was free.

All notes I've kept, they are all concealed.

It'd be a pain to look for them, just what I wanted.
So that I won't go remembering.

But my feelings just won't subside.
They choke me.

It's like I'm dying inside.
While holding a smile.
For all to see.

While I suffer.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I have strong feelings for her.
But then again... I think I actually like a guy.
I sincerely was convinced... that I was gay, though it was always a questionable thing.
But now I'm just confused.

I've put myself under a label.

But now... I'm saying this:

I'm not gay, bi, or straight. I'm just me, a human being with feelings. Mostly I've had it for girls, especially one. But now... there is a guy I like... more than as just a friend. Maybe now I'm on the way of just accepting it. I finally fully accept myself. But I've always been me... just now I'll be more of me. ^^
Give me no labels. I'm just me.

Well... now I'm just feeling a bit wierd having confessed that to myself... seems so strange to me.
But I'm a girl.

It's normal for this to happen.

Not normal for me, but still.

I won't fight it.

I'll just be... just a bit freer now.

He makes me feel better about myself... and he's one of the nice guys.
And I know that his motives are pure, he likes me, but he also respects me.
He won't make an outside move.
And that just it.

He accepts me... always has even when we both thought that I was gay.

I have gay feelings.
Gay tendancies.

But I'm not a gay person.

Or bi, or straight.

Or just a person, who has some deep feelings, and some high and almost impossible, to many I've told, standards.

I'm just me.

Guess I proved you right after all Laura.
Maybe I'm a little like you, liking for personality, not gender.

But people, don't call me bi.
Don't call me anything.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

We r all liars... I did a quiz to determine just how I lie... i know that I do, and the result made me cry... and also another...

Result from a Facebook quiz...

"M Zeke's result is With Your Behavior:

You lie with how you act. You are a 'glass half full' kind of person, or at least you pretend to be. You act like the person people need. You are quiet and logical in group that needs some morals. You are upbeat and positive in a group that needs some excitement. You ar...e kind and understanding when people need a shoulder to cry on. Basically, you lie about who you are. Your kind heart is easily manipulated by people who are just looking to use you, but you have a tendency to bring out the best in people. You are a wonderfully positive person and everyone loves to be around you. You live for your ever growing circle of friends. You lie because you do not think about yourself. You are happy if everyone else is happy, and sometimes have a problem with thinking for yourself. Only your truest friends have seen you when your tolerance has run out, and your best friends are the ones who calm you down and don't take advantage of this. Even if you have had a bad day, you put a smile on for the people who need a positive person around. However, you let your guard down easily for a smooth talker or overly friendly stranger. Your kind heart is open to everyone, which makes you a target for people with bad intentions. Keep your friends close and let them help you pick out the bad people, because they are your weakness. It's true that people could use someone like you, but remember to think about yourself from time to time so you don't explode from holding it all in. You don't want to...
See More"

It is so true.
No wonder no body really and truly knows me...
I've lied so many times.

And here's another:

Result from another facebook quiz...

What State Is Your Heart In?

"M Zeke's result is Bleeding Heart
Your heart bleeds for one person, you yearn for their heart's embrace and to feel them love you as you love them. You may keep it hidden to protect yourself from harm but the need for them never lessens only grows with every glance and touch. Yu know love and feel it fo...r them, but you torment yourself refusing to let it go so you suffer in silence because how could you ever deny yourself the way your heart flutters when you look at them. They say unrequainted love is life's greatest sorrow if you can't let it go then keeping hoping that one day they'll look at you differently and return your love.
See More"

I cried for that one too... obviously because it is true... but because of shame, i sort of denied it with fake laughing on my profile page.

I couldn't let all know it was true... sounds rather pathetic, but I think if she ever saw it she might believe it... then again, maybe not.

I miss her, but I try my best never to say it aloud.

Because she doesn't miss me in that way at all, and as friends we probably shouldn't entertain such feelings... even if they are true.

My True Views on Homosexuality- Can They Go To Heaven?

I'm sick of this...
There are always questions.
People never really know my side, nor do they really know me.
Here are my true views that have been for a while now, and more so recently, I am still young after all:

...Homosexuality is a sin, and like all sins... well most, it is not always intentional. I can tell you from personal experience, From here you may know that I am a "homosexual". I put quotes on that for a reason.. to me, it is a label society gives, and a description of one who lives this sort of lifestyle. I have difficulty withdrawing from this sin, but currently i have guidenece from people who understand me, and try to lead me on the right path. I talk to a bishop and he too says that it is wrong, but he doesnt redicule me. I was being honest when i told him after all.

Note: you can be the world's worst sinner, but you are loved my God. And yes... as a person like this i can also say that I also have a religious side, though I can be extremely secular.

God really does love the sinner but hates the sin.

My bishop said, that once who are willing to take the road leading to repentance, and that you actually try and talk to God about it and ask him to guide you, even though as a human you are expected to fall along the way and conform to the sin, which does happen to me, once you pick yourself up and give it an honest effort... i'm sure that with this, you are on your way to finding and going to heaven.

I was not born this way; no one is born with a sexual desire.

And I did not grow up with homosexuals, nor did i become involved with any and so became this way, no.

Entering into adolescence my first crush was on someone of similar gender before i ever even heard of the term "homosexuality'.

I've known nothing of same gendered relationships then.

I've had and have gay friends... but they hid that secret from me for years, as I did for them.

But of course, i came to learn of it, and became more aware of this being some wierd part of me.

Currently I sincerely love someone of the same gender... and no... lust was not involved.

But the desire to be involved with this person; who was my 1st and is still my friend, developed as the love grew stronger.

But there was no rush for that, I was afraid at first, terrified really.
It all seemed too revealing for me then, and I just wasn't ready.

But then... things changed when I found myself in a second relationship with another.
I let loose... and found myself being decieved and used for sexual pleasure in the end of it all... at least that's how it was for me.

I had good intentions... and I too, really loved her, though it all happened much quicker due to my leading it so.
But it was never as strong as what I've had for my 1st... not to mention what I've had for any "flirt buddies".

Sometimes I wonder if people think that all gays have a strong sexual desire.

I beg to differ, some of 'us' do not.

I am being a celebrant, currently 18 and been in only two relationships, but that doesn't cut me any slack... i'm still a sinner.

What I'm saying is that sometimes, finding yourself having gay desires in itself is not a chice, but choosing to accept it and simply going along with it, is.

It is good to have religious and understanding people there to guide you, to make you not feel so bad about yourself, but still to make you aware that it is wrong and try honestly to at least simmer those feelings down, one step at a time, though it is very hard.

So to answer the question; A homosexual who simply goes with the desires with no repentance cannot go into heaven.... not in my opinion.

And I do possess gay feelings, so i'm definately not going against anyone here.

but I know that it is wrong.

A homosexual however, who acknowleges the sin, and honestly tries to follow the road to repentance, even tho he/she may fall back into the desires and feelings from time to time; if they realize it and find the path again with an honest heart and good intentions. By all means, this person can go to heaven.

Sorry for any typos. And to all... please. I do not go against anyone's thoughts or opinions. I only state my own.^^

Sunday, December 20, 2009


I felt a bit insulted.
She said I don't know what love is.
Ok... maybe I don't really know.... but i know what it feels like.
It's a strong feeling that exists in a multitude of degrees.
I've felt it in a multitude of degrees.
But here's the strongest.

Have you ever felt, that somehow, deep inside, you're being controlled?
Like a compulsive hijack.... something just taking you over, and giving you impulses that you've never had before?

Have you ever wished, that the person who caused you these feelings inside felt the same way as you... attached, longing, needing just your presence just as much as you needed him/her?

When it sometimes seems that they don't, do you feel a wierd hatred, for many reasons, but the foremost being simply the fact that you love this person... that they are the reason who do the things you once regarded as stupid, pathetic or just senseless?

Have you always had to tell yourself, "ok, it's over, she/he's not there anymore, forget them" in that sense, and no matter how hard you try to distract yourself.... once you're alone... especially if you like to just stay in secluded areas like myself and be an intellectual, he/she is the first thing that comes to mind, especially when they are the last thing you want to think about at the time?

Have you ever found yourself, talking to yourself, and pretending that they are right there beside you, and you're telling her all the things that you hate about her, and then all the things that you love in the same breath? Or if you see that she's having a bad day, and she pushes you away, you place yourself in isolation and compose a song on your guitar about that, that you know that she'd never hear?
Or if you know that she's mad at you and you don't know why but act as if it's not bothering you, yet you find yourself crying over that like a pathetic little shit, wasted tears flowing mostly on your guitar cuz most times then you have it... and then when you're tired you wash your face and meet your friends with that goofy demeanor you've put on?

Or when you see her in a distance you long to be able to hug her or kiss her, just smother her with your affection, but you won't because you know that you shouldn't, but then you doubt that because she just confuses you?

And when you're all frustrated in your mind you keep saying, "*her name*, I hate you" but as soon as you happen to cross paths you forget all about it and is just happy to see her?

What is that?
Sure, you can be like that toward a friend.
But the person I am.... not me.
I'm never attached to just a friend; sure we may be real close, but they don't invade my mind.
They don't invoke strong feelings within me.
I've been disappointed by many pals, but never for more than a day... because it just doesn't matter.

And i've not too much affection for people, if they're my friend then a simple hug may suffice as a sign... but is definately not necessary. Not much in favour in showing affection normally.

But with her it's different.
It's not just affection I want to show.
She's the 1st thing on my mind at day, and sometimes the last at night.

I dunno what that may be to her... this is not just "an association of feelings" for me.

And then she wonders why I like girls. If it's easier or something for me.
Dude! Did that piss me off!
It just happened that I fall for girls, I didn't choose girls.
I know full well that it's harder, cuz girls are complicated. Plus how gay life is in this world today, with hatred and stuff to deal with, i would no that it's not f-ing easy.
It's not better 4 me to love a girl, It'll be better if I love a guy, I know!
But that doesn't matter to me. I don't care.
If I really loved a guy, maybe I would've gone 4 it. It'd be wierd 4 me, but if it's true like I know love to be, then i'd do it.
But that didn't happen yet.
My God! She did hit a nerve there.
I said nothing when she told me that because I knew it may lead to arguement, i would've argued.
So i kept it shut.

Jeez... she pisses me off.

Why can't she just figgin' accept that what I've felt was real love?!

She doubts my orientation... hey I get confused myself.

But what I'm sure of is that who I've been with... I've truly loved.
And so far, just two girls.

I've been in quite a few unofficial relationships too that i almost never speak of.
I'm a flirt, but as hinted as the world, "unofficial", you can tell that it wasn't that serious.

I don't consider those relationships.

But like she said, I'm not gonna prove ntn to her.
I've nothing to prove.
Why put myself through that? It's not worth it.
I know myself.

It's a good thing she told though. Now I know the truth.

I wish she won't question me so much and just know that I love her.

But she doesn't feel so strongly for me... which is why I say nothing at all.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

...A teenager having very TEEN feelings. It makes me sick...

I hate this.
I'm done.
I can't explain why I feel these things when I probably shouldn't.
So why do I?

I'm sick of it all.
And I'm finished.

Next topic:
She seems happy. That's good.
Godspeed Laura.
Good luck to you.
I knew that you'd feel better.

Next topic:
I love her, as I am doomed to always.
But, there is the time to realize that, she just doesn't feel the same.
And I guess that's that.
She'll never know.

Dear Sara...

Dear Sara ,
I'm sorry that I missed the funeral. I'm not like those bastards who trampled on you and lead you here. But perhaps I had a part to play so I'm sorry.
I know that I'm not welcome here, but I've some words I gotta say and to ask you. Maybe someday you'd understand.
Was it really worth it? Was it worth dying to see heaven? Do you finally feel free and safe from any more hurt?
I always wondered what it'd be like to leave this world and walk into the light, but my time will come when it's right. No, I won't rush it, I like my life.
I know your owner must've written to you many times and that I'm invading this place where you lie because I am concerned and I know that you might hear me, cuz you don't talk and won't be able to answer me.
You see, in her perception she is heartless since you died. She's constantly being hurt and it really doesn't seem fair, especially for all she's worth. I let it be known that I care, but I don't think that she gets it in the way I intended.
I think she thinks that I'm obsessed or something and it makes me sick cuz I KNOW I’m not.
You see, if there ever was someone who truly cared, it's been me. I know I didn't treat you well but this time around I really wanna make up for that. Not for self satisfaction, mind you, but because I believe that someone who’s been hurt by someone else who still has feelings for that someone, deserves to be treated right. I've never focused on someone as much as I've done her but now I've lost her trust and I probably won't get it back and I deserve it.
I just have a favor to ask you.
If you please, tell her in her sleep that all this is true for me, I won't say these three words 'cuz it's redundant; she should've known.
I'm not even asking for her to come to me, I just want her to know that she is really loved.
You see, she keeps searching all over to find someone to love her when she already has it, but she pushes me away and now I’m still confused, because at times she’s accepting and then… she’s pushing… and it gets to me. I’m not getting it clear and mixed emotions are definitely involved here.
I'm on the other side of things, but I've been harboring this for far too long, I'm miserable you see.
She doesn't know, but I brought my heart with me and here it knows what's it's like to be deceived. If she thinks that it hasn't been scarred like you she's wrong; although I've only two relationships, I've encountered and shared love too much to not feel hurt as well... although 75% weren't official.
So please tell her why I've pursued her not because I'm obsessed with her, I could live without her; she is not the rule; really an exception… because with others although I cared a lot, not this much.
Only two relationships, but lots of love scenarios, maybe not nearly as much as her… but comparisons are not necessary especially if you know that you “feel something deep and profound about another human being”. For someone who said that once should know what I’m talking about! And she stands out. She’s different. I wish she’d just accept that I know what I’m talking about because she tends to question me a lot.
So I'm just sitting beside your tombstone, I'll leave before she comes again.
But please let her know, and as for you, if you can, return to life somehow. I want her to be happy with whoever she's with, whichever guy she likes, help him not to be a bitch. I'd be happy with that alone, and move on with my own life.
From Sade and my heart, Xerai.

Risk Taker

To be madly in love is really a risk taker. And I am. It makes me sick. I am sincerely in love with someone. But it seems that when you say that you really love her, and at the rare times you do, you wanna show it... they get other ideas. I've a hunch that she thinks I’m obsessed over her. But I KNOW that I'm not.
She's a person on the constant pursuit of love. She says she's bi, but she's more oriented on the guys. (Lucky me). The guy of interest changes quickly... since there is always the occurrence of him not being suited, being a bitch, or just not being interested in her.
I watch her when I get any chance at her flirting techniques. Well, I'm normally nearby anyway. She is a major flirt, I'll tell you that. We have that in common, but I don't indulge in such things among my "A" friends (Main set of pals). Or even in their range. It might freak them out, since they are all girls anyway.
I do this when I'm among other friends; if there's a girl who looks interesting, of course I make my move. Being very subtle about my intentions, I safely find out whether they may be bi or straight.
Sadly, there are never any gay ones that I'd be interested in here, in this country, since they are normally on the guy side, like me. There was once an occurrence of me getting close to tied up with a "dominant" female, and since a "fight" for dominance came to play, that wasn't such a good idea.
I have flirted with many girls; even those I knew beforehand were straight. Those who I found out were bi, and there were quite a number of them, I flirted with...
With no intention of getting things any further from that. But, as it goes most times... they fall for it, and fall for me, and hence pursue me. I have to blame myself for that; I do tend to give them the wrong idea. But there is a reason why I never intentionally aim for anything close to a relationship with them, or reasons, rather.
Firstly, is that they are not my type. Physical wise. Either because they are taller or too much bigger than me... even though they may be pretty, because I don't settle for less than what I consider the type of girl I wanna be with, I usually cut any relationship-like scenarios short.
Secondly, their attitude. People here tend to have a lot of it, and it's not something I'm quite used to. In Trinidad, people are different, most I've met were nice, and they didn't bark at you. Then, people here are far nosier than those in Trinidad. I act nosy among my pals, but the truth is that I don't really care most times. About anything they talk about. Unless I hear my name being involved.
Thirdly, is because they disgust me. Especially the bisexuals. Usually, I hate them here. Why? Before I even got into my first relationship with... well I won't call names, but her... I've been around a few bi's. And they all, but her , seemed to be the same; they say they love their girl counterpart, but it's the guy who takes most of their feelings for the girl and channel it for themselves. Now, I don't blame guys for having that "attraction" factor down, but it pisses me off. But then, in most of these cases, the girl counterpart is usually bi too, and so when the two girls "play around" it's no big deal. Because they love each other, they say. That's not real love if you ask me. That's just being overly adventurous with someone you have something for.

The funny thing is that even though I swore to myself that I'd never fall for a bisexual...
I fell in love with a bisexual... who doesn't even seem to be too much of the type. She may have had true feelings for girls...
But on the scale used for the levels between heterosexuality and homosexuality; 0 being pure hetero, 6 being full homo, and 3 being equally bi , I'd give her a 2. Or a 1. But not a 3. She’s not like the bisexuals I get disgusted by, so she’s a different kind of bi.
As for me, I won't even give myself a 6. I always say 5.
Because, I have found myself having feelings for one or two guys... but when it comes to physical, it really ticks me off. Even a mere kiss sickens me, the thought of it, with a guy. And so, the only way you can tell of my feelings a little over "just a bastard I know" I have for a guy, are those that I spend actual time with... in some cases.
Like the case of a guy named Warren.
I honestly liked him... more than just a friend. He was a great influence to me... and secretly I wish I was straight because of him. I talked about him a lot. He understood me, and wasn't like much people I knew.
He reminded me of me; a very different person labeled as crazy, but doesn't care about what people say to a point, as long as you're happy being who you are.
I even said to him a few times that I really liked him, to which he'd reply the same to me. And we weren't lying.
He wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone, but if there was something of the real caring nature between us, it was that. And that alone.
And the case of Vince.
I liked him too. He was very cool, and was too, always there to listen. Again, one of the very few guys I actually trust, I told him a lot.
He seemed interested, and I did warn him off me, but I still hung out with him like real close pals.
'Cuz I liked him. Still kinda do. And if I was straight, it would've worked out too.
And Alejandro.
The first guy I really grew to like a bit. He did stir up some feelings. But it had a great effect on me then, seeing that it was the first time I felt anything of that nature, for a guy.
What worried me was that he was a bit too interested for my liking. He really liked me.
I had to let him down then, so he won't get confused. And when I did it, I actually felt bad for being gay.
But it's not something you can just change, as this wasn't a choice for me, but a very essential part of my person.
Joshua however...
He's my closest guy-friend. But I don't like him like that. He freaks me out even. I help him out with other girls, but even if I were straight, I probably wouldn't have liked him.
Because "he's not the type". Lol. Simply put.
I feel sorry for him, cuz he likes me, but, I don't like him.... and he's a perv. A worrisome case .
But that's it for the guys who kinda got to me. They were lucky, to even get to me that far. For I'm kinda like a guy in that I simply refuse to submit to them. Extremely rebellious when it comes to a guy who'd dare try to achieve that in anyway.
In that case, I give him hell.
But anyway...
Bisexuals generally disgusted me... because of the fragile way they used the words "I love you."
Especially when they tried that with me. I was a newbie then, but I knew the true meaning of love. Although I had no experience, or any interest for that matter, I still understood why it was so wanted. And how disastrous it can be, if you mess with it, in the event that it is real.
However, it was the one I loved. Who was different, than the rest I would come across whenever that happened. Who I really cared for, and gave my all in the way I knew then.
Then we got together.
And there... things went downhill.
I had no experience, nothing to act forward from.
And, whatever.
Then I found another. She was cool, and was passable. I flirted with her, but had no intention of being together. If anything, all I had was lust.
Until, as I got to know her, love started brewing up inside me. I truly cared for her. And I thought she was single.
Until I found out that I was more or less set up for her silly "girl on girl" desires, a spontaneous turn of a sexual activity experiment, thoughts like this probably going through her head;
"This girl is hot. She's sexy. I wonder what she has to deliver. She acts like a real man, let’s see just how much. I used to have girls falling for me, but I find myself falling for her, she must be something."
And she did say something like this to me with her own mouth.
We did get physically involved. And I just lead it there, because I wanted her, she was hot after all, in an odd way.
Cuz she wasn't the "pretty-cute" girl I’d normally want. But she was shorter, and was older. I felt adventurous, and I challenged myself to see just how much I could have her wanting me, and she being older, posed the challenge even more. I teased her, a lot.
And it worked better than I thought it would.
My experiment had become a success, and my hypothesis proven right, that in a short time, a girl could be hopelessly wanting you, calling you, and have you constantly in her mind. I used attraction for sabotage.
This all happened in two weeks. Then, I found it all out.
Yeah she was older than me; I guessed about 22 for the oldest. But I was dreadfully wrong. She was 28. Her physicality had fooled me, she looked young for her age, but then I saw it.
Then, she had a kid. A 3 year old. I assumed that she was a young mother, like a few pals I have.
But no.
The father died about 2 years ago, after they had been together for 6 years.
It's like everything had just blown up in my face.
And if that wasn't enough...
Turned out that she wasn't single!
Nope... She had a boyfriend... or a man-friend I should say. A muscular buff guy. And here's the best part:
They were planning for marriage in a year's time!
I felt so, so stupid. What mess had I gotten myself into?
Apparently why she had felt how she felt for me, was because I satisfied her in a way that he didn't.
He was a nice guy; I was considerate, yet demanding in a sexy way. She told me so. Though I felt some pride... I mean, it was cool knowing that I had basically stolen her from him without even knowing, but then again...
Not only was I the third point of a triangle...
The bonds of marriage were involved here.
I was messing with impending sanctity. And it sickened me.
Found this stuff out in the third week.
Though I had all this to deal with, I still had my dear first girlfriend in my mind.
"I wonder how she's doing. Does she miss me... maybe not? I hope she found someone who she'd really love and who loves her back..."
All leading to:
"I miss her. And I wouldn't be lying if I said I still love her. Acting as if it doesn't bother me isn't working. I quit on trying to move on from something that's incomplete, that seemed so true."
And then the decision was made.
After clearing some stuff out with my 2nd, and talking to her about how she really felt about her boyfriend, and coming to understand that he really must love her, since he was so nice to her, like I had been overly to my first, I figured that he should have his chance to shine, to love his love, that nice guys should at least win sometimes.
I was her desire. She was supposed to love him truly.
And she will come to, in one way alone. I had to leave as her lover. But remain, only as a friend.
And since I wasn't emotionally attached to her, this proved to be easier than it should've been.
I gave her a letter while she was in her room. Before taking it, she held my wrist and her eyes showed me love inside.
This was what I wanted from my 1st love. For her to hold my hand and have a reason to not want me to go.
When she did this, I wanted to cry.
But I just don't do that in front of others.
I took her hand and placed it in my palm. Held it tightly for a second. She seemed ready for another of those soft kisses to the lips. Instead, she got a gentle one to the cheek, a request to read the letter, one more look straight into the eyes, and a solemn goodbye.
After a few days, I came over to her house again. In a friendly manner. I couldn't disappear forever, and I wanted to know how she felt.
There came a moment in which she just watched me, and I watched her back. There was silence for a moment, after which she said,
"I felt really appreciated. Thank you."
I smiled. She was after all. Said,
"You're welcome. This is all I have to give now,"
And then we hugged.
It all seemed like a fairy tale. So unreal. And as I walked out her door I looked forward to rekindling a friendship bond with my 1st, and maybe progressing further, so that I can give her a real life fairytale as well.
If anything, she deserved it more than my 2nd. Because I love her truly.
I am currently still on this path.
I still talk to by 2nd-ex, though I have a revengeful aftertaste in my mouth for her since there was some usury in her actions. And I loathe being used in any degree. Story of my life.
But I don't know what to call my 1st. She isn't an "ex" to me, although it's been a great amount of months. About 10 months now, since we departed.
But... though I feel as if we've got something going on once more ... I couldn't be too sure. She acts weird sometimes. As if I'm crowding at times, and then, as if I’m not being around enough. Then with the complicated feelings she has for guys of interest, I couldn't help but wonder...
What's going on?
Sometimes she may be in a pissed mood, though I wanna be there for her, most times it's the space that she needs. But I am always nearby. Always.
She has a fragile personality, and is in need of someone to need her as well. Though she knows that I need her, she is doubtful about whether or not it'll work out in the best way, seeing that I am also a girl. She has this tendency to feel uneasy about me and the things that I do, and I do feel punched in the stomach when she hints stuff at me saying that she wants me to leave her alone, or even that she doesn't like me.
But some of her ways suggest different things.
She flirts with me sometimes. Suggests that she wants me with her. I try my best not to overwhelm her with any physical advances that may be too far out.
But she confuses me, as it always seems to switch from one side to the next.
I think at times of how much I've changed and altered for her. The amount of things I chose to accept, stuff I'd normally not ever tolerate from someone else. The mere fact that I'm in a "gay with a bi" situation... I mean come on, do I need to go further?
I support her when she's trying to get to a guy she likes. I even give the guy some tips, like a friend would. Although the last guy I did this with for her.... I was unusually harsh on him. Called him a bastard... and somehow, deep down inside, I didn't like him much.
There was something about him... I didn't know what. But I was rough on him... especially since she had been in situations before in which she got hurt, and I would accept no more occurrences. I was even a tad bit jealous of him, but not much, she is bi to a degree, after all.
I don't really consider her too much of a bisexual though. To me, there is more “bi-curiosity-that’s-a-bit-more-than-mere-curiosity ” here.
But then again, she has had true feelings for few girls. Three?
I know she had and maybe still has true feelings for me. But there are doubts. And it hurts me.
I am majorly confused, if that's a good way to say it. She creates a lot of emotions inside me. Love and happiness, anger and even hate. Some type of complicated shit to be going through with one of your closest friends.
What makes this even more complicated:
Is that she is not simply a lover. Or a flirt subject; nothing like what I'm used to. She is also one of my best friends, maybe even the best here.
Experienced in the flirt game I am, with girls I don't really care too, too much for. Then it's just a game. To them too I’m sure. And I always have fun.
I've only been in two relationships, one extremely different than the other. One I didn't expect to fall for, and one I played around with a little too well.
So, not too experienced there.
But... she's different. She is nowhere near the rule. Oh no. If she was I would've given up a long time ago. She is definitely, the exception in every sense of the word. I didn't like bi's, or just flirted with them... but never considered anything deeper, until I met her.
I was specific on height... before. And she has gotten me irate far more than any other human being has ever been able to try, far less to do .
But... She is special.
She just doesn't get it. This is not obsession. No way. This is a realization, of how powerful true love can be. Makes you do things you swear you'd never do. It controls you, and hijacks you to the core. I know this may sound like shit because she has been my first real love, emphasis on real; I have loved before. And that it may seem that I’m obsessed on my first. And that I haven't expanded far enough.
But let me tell you something.
I put my foot down when I say that you are wrong. I am not obsessed, though I may be attached. Love is not a game to me, not anymore. And she made me realize that.
There is a reason why I give her credit.
If dying for love is the only way I could really make her see how true this is for me, and how desperate I am only to let her simply know and understand, then I’d do it, taking in my few last breaths with a fucking smile on my face.
This is no bullshit. This is real. Hear me out when I say that this shit, is real. And that's for goddamn certain.
There is no other way I can find to emphasize this.
I am young, and relatively new to this stuff, compared. Talking about true love may sound like talking smack. I don't care if you think I'm delusional. I don't care about anything you say or think.
I'm not saying that she's my soul-mate or anything like that. I don't wanna marry her, I don't wanna be married. I don't expect to even want to be with her forever.
Of course I'll move on, in my travels, I even wanna love a Japanese chick. I love them, they are my fantasy.
But while I'm here, and while we are friends, and are as close as we are now, it seems only fair to be true. Be real, and for her to know. That’s all. I’m not even asking her to love me back, but I do want to know how she feels for me, if she does.
Those three words are said too much by me, and still, not enough. But it's the truth.
I won't say them here, you know what they are.
Thank you.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I see a friend in threat of self loss.... And I see myself in a constant persuit for something I can't find......

Like a soul in a battle she shouldn't be in. Armed with a sword and a shield, holds close to her heart, and ready to die knowing that honor lies within it all...... To find that the war is everyone to one...... Not very fair..... still fights on.... Waiting.... Shouting.... She's unheard.

I'm here again.

Life really is mean on us adolescents.

I see a change in my friend.
She's all irritable and "narly".

I see it in her eyes... maybe.
They look sad.
I met at first as a bubbly soul.

Now she's changed.

Life isn't so great for her. There is a sadness she won't outwardly show. Sure, there are friends she will talk to... but in that deep sense i'm not one of them. Not anymore. Not for now.

But that won't stop me. I still love and care for her. Dearly. But I can't let her know that too much.

As for me, my life has changed too.
I am not "le seul leup" anymore.

I'm still on my 7Leaps4Ward.
That's my life quota.

Society has been really dumping on me.
It does on everyone but....
Just for being myself I get attacked in one way or another.
By my family... my friends....

I hate society for that.

I tried once to try to fit in, in a way in which i pretend to fit in to be myself when no one's around.
But then... how shitty is that?

I just had to do that.
It's been raging.

It's happened so many times, the attacks against me, that i've realized that the little things my friends try to make me do gets misinterpreted by me.
I get all n"narly" about it.
Not really necessary is it?

Sorry all my pals who felt like i did overreact and made a big deal.... I did didn't I?

So much for being human.

But I stand strong on my word and I refuse to be led in a way that's not mine.
Our life's ours to live.
Why not enjoy it at least by having that feeling of saying;

"Well at least I made myself happy by being truly myself."

That's all I want.

And I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

My friend feels somewhat similar in that sense as she said in her blog.
I wish that she could see, that I care.
And when she doesn't want me to.... well I'll leave her alone, but she'll be in my mind.
She's worth it.
She a person and everyone is worth at least another soul's concern.
So there!


My love life... errr....

Really and truly i'm not sad about it being bleah.

There were other girls who were interested.
I did get involved with one of them who doesn't go to the same college I do.
No one knows of it, cuz i kept it so.
That begun 2 months after my 1st and ended 2months after. Or about.
I ended it.
Why? Cuz I realized something. Though there was love, there was no depth. There was no real intimacy. It was under oh so wrong conditions. That was truly a forbidden love in all senses of the word.
But above all, she only wanted me for physical purposes.
More or less.

As I stand for, sex is not what defines a relationship.
it plays a part... but it doesnt define it.

And as for a homosexual relationship, sex shouldn't even be to apparent unless you've been with the person for say years or.... well really it's not needed.

Just love each other.
Kiss sure.
Be intimate.
But no strip down and try to strip me.... jeez.
That is creepy... sorry.
I don't want that to happen again.
No she didn't almost rape me... she said i was so "manly".
How I led it and so forth.
How i knew how to handle and keep her in check.
But in fact i didn't.
I was just being me.
And really, i didn't wanna continue lying on my heart, saying that i could freely move on.
Cuz to me I shouldn't.
And that's too, why i ended it.

And then there are... if i check... about three others stalking me.
Just recently i had to tell one off cuz she was getting too serious, and really?
"I don't really know you. You're cool as a friend but... i can't do this."

For all the others, even if it's just three, that i even know of, it's the same.

But with her, it's not.

And no one knows that, but me.
Blame this society.

Also too.... i've recently been friends with some devout young Christians.
And dude!

They understand me.
Even when I openly confessed that i was gay, when i expected to be shunned?
They embraced me.
For it all.

Even for my childishness and weirdness and not to mention my idiosyncrasy.

I've never felt so accepted before in my entire life.

So naturally, i'm taking my religion into a little more consideration.
I'm not devout, still secular, but with a religious touch, y'know?

I'm actually trying not to act on the gay desires.

But there's the question of being able to be happy being an all-life celebrant, while harboring a strong love for one particular girl.

Life really is interesting.
And i'm able to smile through it all.

Though when i see pals all "lovey-dovey" around me, i feel.... err-ish.
Like, wrong.
I don't deserve to be alone.
But i am.

Cuz as stupid as it may sound, and as unrealistic it may appear to you, i rather stay alone loving someone even if they don't love me back in that way or even if they do, that they don't want to go through the same things again, than to love someone else, knowing that in my heart, it belongs to someone else.

And i'm fine just the way i am so if anyone doesn't like it.... then too bad.
For you cuz I do.

Either way... my friend who i'll always love...
If you ever come across this, listen.

I'm always here for you.
You can still pull me away and cry on my shoulder.
Heck I'll do the same; we'll cry together.
I know you as far as i do, but those I don't is due to that mask that you wear for society.

But your eyes sell you out sometimes.

I've never known of a truer love inside than what i have for you.

But whether in simple friendship or in any sort of relationship, which to both i accept;

I'm here always.
I meant every word.
I didn't lie.
And not much has changed concerning how i feel for you... all the deep stuff that i do.

So... Godspeed my friend.
Always wish well.

And to you readers, if there are any, thank you.
You now know how this WolFFreaK feels.
Respect it, for I am too, a human being, just like you.