tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80328064062171284802024-03-08T14:04:07.476-08:00The Blog Of A WolFFreaKGetting it all out, in the only way known. The one way in which it all is clear to oneself. May seem very "un-expressive", but there's a lot in there. Let it all be shown, known and at least achknowledged. This WolFFreaK, is not all what one turns out to be, for many do not know.....
Like a shadow, passing....
Like the wind, unseen....
Like a person, complicated in it's sense...WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-58182951633025477452010-07-17T08:02:00.000-07:002010-07-17T08:02:03.491-07:00MZJackoby's Secrets<a href="http://icanonlybemeandnoturdesire.tumblr.com/">MZJackoby's Secrets</a><br /><br />My new blog.^^WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-41447788469084806622010-06-20T21:18:00.000-07:002010-06-20T21:18:06.338-07:00☺ David MeShow - Unfinished Dream<object style="background-image:url(http://i4.ytimg.com/vi/ShY50pxA_W4/hqdefault.jpg)" width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ShY50pxA_W4&hl=en_US&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ShY50pxA_W4&hl=en_US&fs=1" width="425" height="344" allowScriptAccess="never" allowFullScreen="true" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object><br /><br />This song speacks for me. Period.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-80639984981830975342010-05-22T13:53:00.000-07:002010-05-22T13:59:01.673-07:00Fuck it all...Fuck this place, I want out.<br />I dont like it here.<br /><br />I feel misplaced.<br /><br />My friends....who are they?<br /><br />Who are my true friends?<br /><br />I know who they are, but sometimes even they make me feel bad.<br /><br />This is why I dont talk much anymore.<br /><br />And I wont tell them how I feel either because they'll just see me as a case.<br />More or less.<br /><br />Let them lead their happy lives and I'll just live my miserable one.<br /><br />I wanna cry.<br /><br />This is the only place I feel like I matter right now, in my blog, which thankfully, no one reads.<br /><br />Cuz they'll just get pissed.<br /><br /><br />You know what just leave me alone.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-50266927074096370162010-05-22T13:42:00.000-07:002010-05-22T13:43:43.188-07:00IM convo that made me cry....in a good way.ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> hey!<br /> its been a while<br /> how r you? <br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> Hey<br /> I am good<br /> I kno it has been a while<br /> how are you keepin?<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> I'm fine. I have a part time job now....started since january^^<br /> College still sucks and I have 2 do an extra yr<br /> lol<br /> But I'm keepin well<br /> I've been working on self projects as wel ^^<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> No biggie Mama, thats life do what u gotta do to get by<br /> just aim high and u will do well Sade<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> ^^ thx lol<br /> I wanna be a director when I get older<br /> ^^<br /> oh! and conratuate Rudra for me<br /> I'm so proud of him! <br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> Yes he is<br /> Today he is receiving an award<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> cool! Well thats good<br /> he's been added to my list of inspirations ^^<br /> lol<br /> how r you tough<br /> though<br /> like with school and stuff?<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> Well i have a 3.85 gpa<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> cool!<br /> i wish I was like u<br /> my gba's not good<br /> ummmlets see... 1.96<br /> very poor, which accounts for my extra yr lol<br /> what r u studing?<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> Omgeeizie u need another field to study in<br /> that one is not bringing out the best in u<br /> trust me<br /> Early Childhood education<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> sounds nice<br /> well my major is IT<br /> is not what I wouldve wanted to do<br /> but I have no choice<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> how are you doing in IT<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> I do....ok in some courses, but I just fail some, and then pass them on the 2nd try.....plus I've been a bit unfocused lately so that affects it as well<br /> It's fun..........well not really. I wish there was an art course, I'd ace it<br /> When I go abroad I still have to start from scartch anyway<br /> plus at times I have like no motivation at all<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> I hope u have no distractions your way that are holding you from yah dream<br /> like Love<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> lol.....actually it was one of the main distartions<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> LOL i kno the feeling<br /> Well i have let go of mine in Dominica... I love him but too much head ache<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> lol...i can relate<br /> except mines a bit different<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> how different<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> and more stressful<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> really<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> ummm...it was with a girl.....<br /> thats why<br /> and my gosh my mum is another stress<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> well fyi Sade, i am BI so different is not far from it all<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> oh? u are?<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> yeah ever since i kno myself<br /> i have had three flings but one relationship<br /> but the girl was caught in the middle because she had a gf, and bf and I had my bf<br /> understand and that can be annoying trying to juggle<br /> and it is not fair to any party<br /> so I understand yah ply<br /> and I hope your mother can embrace you with an open hear and no buts to her love<br /> like I love you BUT... <br /> Well just to let you know if you ever need someone to talk to hit me up<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> well....I'm gay, I told her last year, and we're having problems<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> I have an open hear and an open heart<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> she puts me down and there is definately a but<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> not stricken by anything<br /> Wow I am sorry to hear this<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> I've had 2 serious relationships, but the 1st wa confused and I was just too scared and depessed<br /> and the 2nd used me<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> and i am sure ever since u knew yourself u knew that you were different<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> I cant stand another, though Ive had flings too, but ntn really<br /> yep I did<br /> i knew it<br /> It makes me sad cuz I dont feel accepted<br /> lol....im tryin not to cry<br /> and love seems fake cuz when i know i feel it 4 some 1 they just dont care as much, i have concluded that there is no one I can love here<br /> cuz they all have fake motives, and Im not up for experiments<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> yeah it is something when u know that inside u have a secret well if u were here there are organisations that support LGBS associations meaning Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals and Straights come together to talk about issues<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> i wish I was there<br /> I dont like it much here<br /> sorry lol<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> I kno ppl that are full Lesbians<br /> My aunty is a Lesbian<br /> and has been like forever<br /> most of the girls in school are afraid to do anything because of what ppl think<br /> and don't fully come out because of what ppl think<br /> too<br /> you just have to stay positive<br /> for now focus on you and getting out and making it big for yourself<br /> because you need you time<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> its hard 2 be when ur mum says, u need God and u'll go to hell cuz Its wrong...oh! and here's he personal fav: It's ur choice<br /> God! I hate when she says that<br /> I even go n talk 2 the Bishop about it<br /> sigh<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> tell her where in the ten commandments doe it say that being gay is wrong<br /> look at how many adulters there are out there<br /> tell them go to hell not me<br /> You are my mother and you are suppose to love me for who I am regardless<br /> and that how can u even think that way<br /> I am the same person<br /> tell her u are the same person Sade<br /> and u had to tell her how u are and u are born that way<br /> there is no cure<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> trust me, its not that easy....she's fed up of me...says when I want to talk abot that its always the same thing, and that I dont listen to her, how I need to pray and God will heal me<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> for being Gay or homosexual<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> but there is noting to heal<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> Wow<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> I cant tell her that, she will think Im even ruder<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> if u ever need to talk to someone Talk to my Dad<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> I cant do anything, so I just waitin to leave<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> dont beat up yah self<br /> inside<br /> love you for who you are always<br /> and nothing can bring u down<br /> nothing can move u<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> yeah....but I have no support at home, I cant fully be myself cuz of society, and sterotypes piss me off<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> U have to just say FUCK it<br /> and live for you<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> and plus, I do love my faith, i honestly think to myself nothing is wrong with me, even if Im this way cuz God knows<br /> but then again...lol<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> But i will send him a text cuz my aunt can talk to you and just make you feel more comfortable<br /> God made you that way<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> he did, my mum says my dad caused it...i honestly dont care how it happened all i know is its how I was meant to be and od knew it was gonna happen and yeah<br /> I can still serve him, and Im not a deviant<br /> I just wish ppl would understand but then again it doesnt matter<br /> I even wished I was a guy so ppl would stop thinking I need help<br /> or stop watching me wierd cuz they dont even know me<br /> sigh<br /> oh yeah, ur dad does no im gay...he guessed it lol<br /> Its hard 2 accept myself....so much so that it affects my grades<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> Just hit me up when u need to talk or email me cuz i have to get ready to go out ok... Just know that I am there ok<br /> Much love<br /> Ami<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> kk thx tho<br /> uve been a big help<br /> I'll see you<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> But i will be yur support<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> enjoy ur outing^^<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> When i come home in August I will talk to you<br /> ok<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> ur coming??!<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> And try and talk to your mother<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> ok cool!<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> Yes I am<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> ive given up seriously<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> in a positive manner<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> it wont help<br /> things r bad enough i dont wanna be more stress 4 her<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> i dont care trying is better than settling for less<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> i already am<br /> lol<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> Aye las<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:<br /> kk i will sigh<br />AmiLove - Reminder says:<br /> but i can tell u that the church is fighting agaisnt it but Pedophil vs Homosexuals<br /> and we all know who everyone hates is ppl who touch children<br /> so dont worry about it the church will have to bend in its hard ways soon enough<br /> bye bye<br />ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ said (11:11 AM):<br /> bye <br /><br /><br /><i><br />This is just for me to remember. And since this is my only safe place to say whatever I want then.....I just wanna post this.<br /></i>WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-56356447749570479942010-05-22T13:16:00.000-07:002010-05-22T13:20:46.545-07:00Why does it feel like you just dont support me?I know u care as a friend.<br /><br />But sometimes it feels like you just doubt me.<br />You doubt a lot of stuff I say.<br />You doubt my abilities.<br /><br />I mean I understand where you are coming from.<br /><br />But it'd be nice if you were a lil more positive.<br /><br />I'm a dreamer let me dream.<br />This is exact reason why I say nothing important on facebook.<br /><br />But I always forget about you on twitter.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-33499605217572833182010-05-21T06:30:00.000-07:002010-05-21T06:37:25.606-07:00Unlike most people, I cannot really hold a conversation, and may be socially retarded...Lol.<br />But still.<br /><br />I can't really talk much, especially on msn.<br />What is there to talk about?<br />I dunno....<br /><br />I don't care much about my phone, gave up on it a long time ago.<br /><br />I have friends (duh), and I even have my "circles", but I'm always just, there.<br /><br />There ain't nothing much for me to say, basically cuz I just am ignorant to, whatever's interesting.<br /><br />There is this awkward silence every time....well most times.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-81986766189272299952010-05-10T15:10:00.000-07:002010-05-10T15:26:27.550-07:00Who Am I?Whilst looking at myself, then and now, there has been alot of changes.<br /><br />Before I left Trinidad, where the people I hold dearly to me still reside, I was a pretty normal abnormal child.<br /><br />A young girl who hid everything about her deeper self.<br />Mostly people knew me for my wolves, and my guitar, and my art more or less.<br /><br />Now here, in Dominica, I came out.<br /><br />In ALL senses of the word.<br />And still in the process.<br /><br />Yes, I am still the wolf freak, but even more so now.<br /><br />I'm at 3rd Grade on the Guitar I named Providence, because I wanna find my own someday.<br />But I'm mostly self-taught.<br /><br />I'm a composer, artist, poet, wanna-be director, script writer....<br /><br />I'm still a freak, was overly so when I first came here, and then regained my "accepted-freak" stat.<br /><br />Oh, and did I mention that I'm gay?<br />Yes, I am.<br /><br />And everyone (sorta) knows it.<br /><br />No, I am not proud, because society holds me in a cell.<br /><br />But yes, I am very sure of myself, because it took me 3years to reach acceptance of myself.<br /><br />No, I am not the typical "lesbo", which is a term i detest.<br />I'm not the typical anything.<br /><br />I am also a bit religious. Impossible? Nothing is.<br />The local Bishop is a friend to me.<br /><br />I am me.<br /><br />And still on the way to be known only as such.<br /><br />I never fit in, even though I have tried once.<br /><br />And I hated it.<br /><br />Never again.<br /><br />Hey world. My name is Sade McLeod, born Trinidadian, immigrant of the Commonwealth of Dominica, artist, musician, composer, writer, dreamer, wolf enthusiast/lover, pain killer, undercover gay, and future director. My official alias is MZJackoby, but fully it's Micheal Zeke Xerai Jackoby. My logo and general amateur production/art line is 7Leaps4Ward.<br /><br />What more is there to say?<br /><br />Oh yeah, I've been through a lot, like most people these days.<br /><br />And yes, I love, love. Even without a significant other, for now.<br />:)WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-47550509907674106212010-05-10T03:44:00.000-07:002010-05-10T03:47:19.440-07:00Explaination.....<i>So, I sent a letter to a site. Explaining...me, in some ways. It was the truest thing ever for me to say, because I usually tend to alter information alot, and involuntarily.</i><br /><br />Hello.<br />So i came across your site, feeling all down and stuff. Having problems as to being able to fully accept myself.<br />Firstly yes, I am gay. And i want to be myself fully, so I want to be a happy gay individual.<br />I hate the term lesbian though. it has a kind of "slutty" sound to the word, so i just use the word gay.<br />But it is really difficult.<br />I have friends who know, but I think that they too are struggling to understand me. They think that something is wrong with me and that I am frustrating to deal with. I have really confided in them to be my friends and at least respect me and support me, but if i am frustrating, when all I'm doing is trying to be happy....<br />Ok so I accept that for my age I am very childish, and before I was in love with one of my very close friends who thought she was bi, but is not.<br />We broke up and in between a 3 year period I guess we both were confused. I was confused about whether or not she liked me, even after we broke up, and she was confused...about herself I guess?<br />But it sorta hurts because before she claimed to love me so much, and at that time I had been unable to show her my love properly because i was having issues with myself, and then she got frustrated and we broke up, but it seemed that she kept falling in and out of love with me.<br /><br />It was alot to deal with, but now we're cool.<br />She's not in love with me, she doesnt like me in that way, and I'm accepting that all we are are friends.<br /><br />But that's not the problem.<br />The problem is that i feel low because of my being gay.<br />Inside, I am happy with myself, being gay is part of my identity, although sex is a touchy subject with me, i do not wish to be sexually intimate with another girl unless we are really close emotionally, and it "just happens", and well, definitely NOT with a man.<br />But my society, people, well most people, just do not accept, which is ok i guess, but I want to be treated with respect as this site has explained, and I am not getting that.<br /><br />Also, i really do want to share myself with a girl, but she really has to know herself as well, and feel comfortable, and love me. Most girls who like me are interested in sex, and I become more or less an "experiment" for them. This is why i am single; i've only had 2 real girlfriends, and I've begun feeling for girls since i was 14-15. Although then, i didn't question it at all because it just seemed natural and i didnt even know anything about being gay.<br />I thought i was straight, even though all ive had were feelings for girls.<br /><br />At 16-17 I became knowledgeable of it, and began to accept myself for being that way, with no intention to change.<br /><br />But sometimes I hate myself too and say maybe if i were straight i wouldnt have these problems.<br /><br />People say that i look like someone who has it all covered, when they have no idea of my pain.<br /><br />Some of my close friends i feel see me as a case or that something is wrong with me, though they are still nice to me (they were a bit mean before, but they try now and i appreciate it, because it really isn't fair, but they werent mean to me because I am gay, but for other reason, like maybe how I'm so soft-spoken, or really nice, or just childish, basically because i am way different to people here (I am an immigrant in the country i live in currently and this is where I fully realized my orientation))<br /><br />It's like I have a very compartmentalized life, in which to different groups of people, i am somewhat a different person, and the only people i feel fully me towards are my very best friends who live in the country I left, I miss them.<br /><br />Generally all I want is support, and to feel happy. I just wanted to let it out. Thank you.<br />If you can help in anyway, well, I'd love that.^^<br /><br />Maybe I should add that before I wasnt very familiar with guys, in fact my father hated me being around them. Thats another story altogether, but nowadays I am mostly comfortable around guys, My closest friend is a boy, who liked me before. I've another very close guy friend.<br /><br />I've nothing against guys really, I recognize the good and bad. Trying to really romantically like a guy never worked out for me, and when i realized I had been just trying to make other people happy, I quit that, because it wasnt what I really wanted, and I dont want anyone's feelings to be hurt.<br /><br />I am also androgynous in appearance, and like to dress as a guy sometimes, though I get negative feedback from people so I feel ashamed, but I wish I was a man, so that my feelings wont be so "weird".<br /><br />I feel as if I should have been a guy, but I already accept that I am a girl, and very much identify with the term "soft butch/ stud" though that stereotype is far fetched, because I have very masculine qualities, but then again, i am still definitely a girl.<br /><br />But yep, that's generally the main story.<br /><br /><i><br />^^ I felt much better after.<br /></i>WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-24631985668055109182010-05-07T07:06:00.001-07:002010-05-07T07:06:43.060-07:00That's a nice way of saying it....artistically....Sonnet XLIII, from the Portuguese.<br />Elizabeth Barrett Browning - 1806-1861<br /><br />How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.<br />I love thee to the depth and breadth and height<br />My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight<br />For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.<br />I love thee to the level of everyday's<br />Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.<br />I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;<br />I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.<br />I love thee with the passion put to use<br />In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.<br />I love thee with a love I seemed to lose<br />With my lost saints, -I love thee with the breath,<br />Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,<br />I shall but love thee better after death.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-78116156868304407372010-05-07T06:18:00.000-07:002010-05-07T06:57:45.246-07:00I curse the day.....Can I really still look into her eyes and tell her that I love her?<br /><br />Yes, unfortunately.<br />But I won't.<br /><br />I think I've been on a borderline of limerance and unconditional love.<br />Nothing ever seems to disgust me about her, even when she disgusts me, its by some stuff she may do or say, and not her as a person at all.<br /><br />I dunno.<br /><br />I have already come to terms with the fact that we will never ever be.<br />And it doesn't bother me now.<br />I'm actually glad.<br /><br />Everytime my mind tends to be like asking if it could be, I'd be like, oh no....dont even go there.<br /><br />But we are friends. And I'm glad for that too.<br /><br />So I can't love her as a lover, and I dont care to either.<br /><br />But as a friend I will, I mean, I still do love her, a lot. Too much maybe.<br /><br />Just what makes her so deserving.<br />I come too deep with this shit.<br /><br />What's my idea of love?<br />Well, I, as a gay individual, strangely, as the world would say, have no desire for sex.<br /><br />Ok....so I do come off by watching les porn when I do.<br />And....I get excited by rough, almost even fighting encounters.<br />And I just love to see girls submit, it's hot.<br />I dont give a shit for the men....only that i wish I was them. Yeah, I watch the straight ones as well. When I do. Meh.<br /><br />But for me myself, I dont really wanna have sex.<br />It's just not, a priority at all.<br /><br />I could be in a relationship without sex at all.......<br />But duh, there must be some kind of physical intimacy...like making out and stuff.<br />And groping a girl playfully is always fun.<br /><br />I may even cause a girl to feel sexy and want to have sex, and we may make out intensely...but I dont wanna strip her.<br /><br />The intimacy is what keeps me going.<br />Everything, until the point that the girl wants to go down on me, is fine.<br /><br />Why am I talking about this?<br />Because everywhere I go, and every girl I meet who's interested in me, wants that.<br />They want to have sex! Without even knowing me yet.<br />Do you know how much of those innuendos I must face and the comments I hear?<br />I feel raped by eyes alone.<br /><br />And I always laugh to myself when this stuff happens, cuz, tho its a cool feeling to know that youre wanted and desired, even by people of your own gender, and its just seems to occur naturally and in a space of at least a month, its funny cuz I dont ever wanna deal with them.<br /><br />To them I'm always that person they can never reach.<br /><br />I rarely do ever fall in love, i'm infatuated alot.<br /><br />But I like girls with a certain character.<br />The quiet and shy, the cute, the humble, with a drive for doing daring things and having fun and being outspoken at the same time, thats what I like.<br /><br />There aren't many girls like that, here.<br />Or if they're here, not any gay ones.<br /><br />I am gay, not due to the want of having sex with a girl, no.<br />Though I am not fully opposed to the thought, it's only with certain conditions.<br /><br />Yes, I do take that stuff way too seriously for a teen.<br />But whatever.<br /><br />Why am I attracted to girls?<br />I'm not sure, I just am.<br /><br />Guys?<br />Lol, honestly for me to be in love with a guy, he'd have to be gay, lol.<br /><br />You get me? Not really? Well...<br />Gay guys can be effeminate.<br />When overly so, I'm disgusted.<br />Same with girls, if they are too masculine, then they are too much of a boy for me.<br /><br />But, the thing I love about girls, are their simple gentleness.<br />It's just normal for them.<br />I'm dazzled by grace, and stumped silly if they are artistic in any way.<br /><br />I'm particularly more dazzled by girls who are shorter than me, tho, because somehow I feel like I can always be the one she would look up to, and I can be the one who can be strong for her, and I'll always love looking down into her eyes.<br />But she doesnt have to be shorter than me.<br /><br />I would gladly wrap my arms around her and show her my love anyway.<br /><br />With effeminate guys, they have the same gentleness, somewhat.<br />Some can be really sweet and shy.<br /><br />It's not the gender that determines who I tend to like, it's the person's mannerisms.<br />So if there was a guy who was alot like a girl in that sense, then I would love him lol.<br /><br />My idea of love is one that is very hard to explain, but I can try.<br /><br />This type, leads to the conclusion that I would die for her, just so that she can live.<br />I will support her in any way I can.<br />And I will protect her.<br /><br />Even if I cannot really physically protect anyone, and may be a wimp, I will still embarrass myself and get beaten to a pulp and still try to protect her.<br /><br />Even tho my life is busy, I will still have time set for her.<br />Jeez......i'm still not reaching my quota of really explaining love to you, in may be able to show in a picture.<br /><br />But I can surely say that it's very different from what most ppl call love, and sex, is only an option, and not a must at all.<br /><br />However, I lack confidence.<br />And can be a bit unsure of things.<br />I tend to second guess things.<br /><br />That's why after my 4th encounter with love, I decided to lay back, relax, and fully come out.<br /><br />Like come out, and show my world, "Hey, I'm me, and I'm.... " so and so.<br />Because I always felt like I was hiding stuff about me, that I was afraid of showing.<br /><br />And they are not even bad stuff, they are actually good.<br /><br />But i believe I have a slight fear of "truly being out of the norm", which I already am, but I always tend to want to do things that will "stand out", even positively, and I have a tendency to not want to stand out at all.<br />So I stop myself.<br />And that always messes things up for me and my partner, the worst occurred with my 1st.<br /><br />I was soooo bottled up and afraid.<br /><br />But I'm coming out a bit more everyday, and until I feel as if I can be my all freely with my girlfriend then I just wont bother getting one until I do.<br /><br />That's all really.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-47607817271561830092010-04-26T06:59:00.000-07:002010-04-26T07:29:16.866-07:00...oh! And these too...http://www.hatebook.com/tag/lesbian<br />-.-WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-70206244226945943862010-04-26T06:52:00.000-07:002010-04-26T06:53:48.924-07:00....http://www.oasisjournals.com/2007/08/i-hate-being-gay<br /><br />I can relate to that....except that I DO NOT LIKE GUYS AT ALL IN THAT WAY.<br />Oh....and I DO NOT CRUSH ON MY FRIENDS....more or less.<br /><br />But some stuff apply.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-73998665776252879322010-04-24T05:08:00.000-07:002010-04-24T05:52:57.578-07:00Struggling.....I've been having issues.<br />Gay issues.<br />Because I'm gay.<br />Had some problems accepting myself in society.<br />The pressure; I've hated myself for being gay.<br /><br />My friends would probably never really understand, and I sense that this has become an uncomfortable subject for them.<br /><br />If so....when I do find a new girl....do I introduce them?<br /><br />I must commend Abigail though.<br />She is very supportive; I can actually be my gay self around her and it'll be fine, though she might freak out at some statements, but it's generally ok.<br /><br />If I'm sad due to some gay-based thing, she automatically thinks I've been being bashed for it (I was a little before) and wants to give them a piece of her mind.<br />I always have to come in and say, "no, it's not that.". :)<br /><br />Online we could talk about it.<br />I must say, she has been there for me, much more than before. Cuz before she was mean!<br />I'm glad for that.<br /><br />So, that's Abi. Now for Cher and Laura.<br /><br />They are 2 more that make up my important inner circle.<br /><br />I treasure them as friends dearly.<br />They also have been there for me...<br /><br />However, approaching the gay-subject I do not feel very comfortable talking about that.<br />I did once deeply, and I dont think I'll do it again. That was a long time ago though.<br /><br />They were very supportive, and I'm happy for that. A lot.<br />However, I know of the aftermath.<br /><br />I know what they thought of it.<br /><br />They thought my head was fucked up, also that dealing with me was frustrating.<br />And they kept referring sex to it.<br /><br />They decided to let it go and not tap on the matter anymore.<br /><br />Well good.<br />But it hurt to know that they thought something was wrong with me.<br />I'm sure Abi thinks it too, at least a little bit.<br /><br /><br />But then, should I expect any different?<br /><br />Even my pals can't fully accept me for being gay, so how about the world?<br />No chance.<br /><br />They have no idea of exactly what this is like for me.<br />I actually hated myself for being gay once.<br /><br />I'm doing ALOT of soul-searching nowadays, and God really is my closest friend.<br />In that I talk to him about it a lot, and feel good.<br />I wanna lead at least a partially religious life.<br /><br />Of course if i mention that it may, i dunno.<br /><br />They don't seem to like to talk about religious things.<br /><br />I just wish as my pals they could, maybe do some research or maybe ask me to find something that could explain it better to them.<br />I would gladly refer to some sites.<br /><br />But then, I shouldn't expect them to care so much to the point that they should go out of their way to really figure it out, cuz in the end that's for me to do, not them.<br /><br />But, i dunno.<br /><br />Every time I see them, I feel a pain inside.<br />Not too sure why, but then again i can guess.<br /><br />The pain for Cher, and the pain for Laura are different, and yet the same.<br /><br />Go figure.<br /><br />But I dont like to talk deeply about myself anymore, because a gay-thing will come up (duh! I am GAY!) and they might feel weird.<br /><br />So, that's why, I feel a barrier as to how much of myself I can share to them.<br /><br />And it hurts.<br /><br />Badly.<br /><br /><br />Another thing that hinders my ability to fully accept myself in society, for being gay.<br /><br />I dont want to hide anything from them, so maybe I'll send them a link to this, I dunno.<br /><br />They are my friends, so maybe I should.<br /><br />At least they'll know sorta what going on with me.<br /><br />At friends.^^<br /><br />And without them feeling... awkward or anything.<br />^^WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-400398959340907732010-04-15T07:25:00.000-07:002010-04-15T07:26:28.919-07:00I've burnt it all..The memories are gone.<br />all the notes.<br />The past messages.<br />Everything.<br />Burnt to the ground.<br /><br />took two hours too.<br /><br />I feel better.<br />There is no history.<br /><br />I got rid of them all.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-85399188568584534462010-04-15T04:13:00.000-07:002010-04-15T04:25:35.156-07:00Would love to forget...Everything.<br /><br />I dont wanna remember.<br />How much.<br /><br />I loved her.<br /><br />Well I can say that I dont anymore.<br />She's just a friend.<br />And that's all she'll be.<br /><br />I feel lifted....sorta.<br />Because the answer I'd been looking for has finally hit me.<br />I can now say for sure, that the truth is, she doesnt love me.<br />I always knew that my feelings were unrequited.<br />I just needed to hear it, myself.<br /><br />So now that those feelings are being diminished and killed, I can finally focus on other things...I always do but, that was always an extra.<br /><br /><br />Right now, there is a very heavy feeling inside me, but I refuse to cry, because, what would be the worth.<br /><br />It would be a waste to cry, over anyone.<br /><br />But i can still laugh, enjoy myself, hang out with my boys, and my girls.<br />I'm still gonna have to deal with girls who like me.<br /><br />I was searching for real...that thing that begins with L.<br /><br />I will find it.<br /><br />But not here.<br />Not now.<br />Not ever whilst I'm here.<br /><br />There is nothing like that here for me.<br /><br />And its fine.<br /><br /><br />I just wanna go away.<br />To home.<br />With my appointed family.<br />with DJ and AJ and everyone.<br /><br />That's what I want now.<br /><br />Otherwise. I'm fine.<br />And I wont shed a tear.<br />Just work towards forgetting.<br /><br />And still continue to pursue my dreams.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-13187823781878397062010-04-14T13:54:00.000-07:002010-04-14T14:11:16.400-07:00I actually expected this...sorta.Well.<br />I am emotionally unaffected at least.<br /><br />Though some things from Abi came out a bit wrongly, at least the fact that I loved her, was true.<br />And i DID tell her that.<br /><br />But I never acted on it.<br /><br />I always kept a platonic profile when around her.<br />Just cuz I ALWAYS had a dual mind towards her.<br /><br />I played it safe. I said that I'd keep it 2 myself, and figure it out on my own, involving no one.<br />Until....<br /><br />Abi, who is one of my real close pals, apparently was super curious about me.<br />So i ended up telling her how I felt, in confidence.<br /><br />I did tell her once that I dont like to talk about that, but only in confidence.<br /><br />But she thought that everyone else knew, I believe.<br /><br />Then, she has a very low view of Laura, for some reason.<br />And I guess since I liked her, made things a bit worse.<br /><br />Abi and Laura perhaps have a "beef" to settle.<br />I have no idea about it, but Abi really thinks Laura has been manipulating me and stuff.<br /><br />I always stand against it.<br /><br />But she never listens to me.<br /><br />It was because of that too, that caused this outburst.<br /><br />If she had only stayed quiet, no one else would have known.<br /><br />But then, out of every bad, come a good.<br />And she did warn me.<br /><br />Now....<br /><br />I can handle just being friends with Laura. I wanted to clear things in my head on my own, but still.<br />Its ok.<br /><br />My feelings for her...will die.<br /><br />Friendship will live on tho, for me.<br /><br />For her, well i dont know.<br /><br />This is why I always normally keep things to myself.<br /><br />I normally always settle things out scotch free.<br /><br />Now....there's this mess.<br /><br />I'm assuming I'd have to disappear for a week onwards.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-50191689381636372222010-04-14T11:32:00.000-07:002010-04-14T11:53:12.712-07:00I have no response....To your "Fuck you".<br /><br />Nothing to say about that at all.<br /><br />It's not like I didnt let it be known to you that I loved you.<br />Or perhaps you forgot.<br /><br />No matter.<br />It doesnt matter anymore.<br /><br />So I thought something was what it wasnt.<br /><br />And thats ok.<br /><br />I'm not swayed, no emotion.<br /><br />I'm just, there.<br /><br />Still normal, i dont care really.<br />However, I did explain to u.<br />I talked to u online.<br /><br />You know what? These are what confused me...let me help u with that if u ever come across this.<br /><br />You looked for evidence.<br />Well... here it is.<br /><br />>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><br /><br /># BoBXKashi<br /> <br />@MZJackoby alphalavie is freakin awesome. lol....but im not white and short. lol...wasn't at the pc when u posted that one 6:53 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby<br /><br /> * Reply<br /> * Retweet<br /><br /># Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi<br /> <br />@MZJackoby lol. but we are you and me silly. lol 6:50 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby<br /><br /> * Reply<br /> * Retweet<br /><br /># Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi<br /> <br />@MZJackoby lol..ur not pale enough!! lol..pick another. lol 6:00 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby<br /><br /> * Reply<br /> * Retweet<br /><br /># Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi<br /> <br />@MZJackoby erm....lets use a reference i know about....lolz!!! 5:41 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby<br /><br /> * Reply<br /> * Retweet<br /><br /># Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi<br /> <br />@MZJackoby like omJ i L-O-V-E U toooo :D 5:33 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby<br /><br /> * Reply<br /> * Retweet<br /><br /># Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi<br /> <br />@MZJackoby do you feel loved now ...cause you are 5:07 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby<br /><br /> * Reply<br /> * Retweet<br /><br /># Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi<br /> <br />@MZJackoby i care...FEEL LOVED WOMAN! lol <br />.....................................<br /><br />From the last tweet up, these were the ones that confused me.<br /><br />However....it doesnt matter anymore.<br /><br />Think as to why I never acted upon it.<br /><br />Here is my proof of me sayin it directly to you. maybe u were just kiddin, but I was serious.<br /><br />..................................................................<br /># Sade McLeod MZJackoby<br /> <br />@BoBXKashi definitely, so lets. *take out my hand...which is dry now, btw <3* 2:47 PM Mar 30th via TweetDeck in reply to BoBXKashi<br /><br /> * Reply<br /><br /># Sade McLeod MZJackoby<br /> <br />@BoBXKashi lol, ok here's the best one: like you and me then. :) Let's get together now. ^^ 2:40 PM Mar 30th via TweetDeck in reply to BoBXKashi<br /><br /> * Reply<br /><br /># Sade McLeod MZJackoby<br /> <br />@BoBXKashi like Alpha and Lavie... but ur not white, lol! But Alpha is black so yeah! =D 2:02 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi<br /><br /> * Reply<br /><br /># Sade McLeod MZJackoby<br /> <br />@BoBXKashi Come with me. I'll give u a true experience you wont forget. That aint just words BTW! =D ;) 1:59 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi<br /><br /> * Reply<br /><br /># Sade McLeod MZJackoby<br /> <br />@BoBXKashi har har, lol.then ur Bella and I'm Edward.I wanna be with u. Sure I'm not vampire or male hottie but yeah.I need u.Just like him. <br /><br /><br /><br /># Sade McLeod MZJackoby<br /> <br />@BoBXKashi let's say I'm Nick. Will u be my Norah, Laura? lolz :) 1:39 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi<br /><br /> * Reply<br /><br /># Sade McLeod MZJackoby<br /> <br />@BoBXKashi wawsome...so let me ask u this then.... 1:39 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi<br /><br /> * Reply<br /><br /># Sade McLeod MZJackoby<br /> <br />@BoBXKashi hehe, just so u no 4 sure: I love u Laura. 1:31 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi<br /><br />>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><br /><br />There you go.<br /><br />Bash me if you want.<br />Hate me, forget, it doesnt matter.<br /><br />But, these were direct tweets....i never took the random ones seriuosly.<br /><br />Only THOSE.<br /><br />Goodbye.<br /><br />That, is all i have to say.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-71805713993312742312010-04-10T12:42:00.000-07:002010-04-10T13:06:55.532-07:00It hurts....faintly...and immensely...It shouldnt right?<br />But yeah, i hurt a little.<br /><br />Jeez...maybe it's that I love you too much.<br />Maybe the co-dependency shifted more to my side...<br /><br />Maybe I need you too much.<br /><br />Or maybe not.<br /><br />It's not like I need you like I can do without your presence at all.<br />Because I'm not always around.<br /><br />Plus, we kinda get on each others nerves at times...so it's not like we dont need our space sometimes and stuff.<br /><br />But...<br /><br />Laura, I kinda miss you.<br />At least maybe a little.<br /><br />I miss those nice words.<br />I miss those times when u say you love me.<br /><br />I miss the support you had for me in high school.<br /><br />It seems faded now.<br /><br />I miss your smile, and I miss having you in my arms...no matter how rare that was.<br /><br />I know I'm not very affectionate, but I come out of that when it comes to you cuz I wanna be close to you.<br />I wanna show you my love, I want to love you and I do!<br /><br />It's something I really want man!<br /><br /><br />I always used to be against dependency on a whole and was always the type of person to say "I dont need anyone, I could do this on my own/ go through this on my own/ I dont need anyone at all/whats the point of love? it only makes ppl stupid..."<br /><br />But what a change that occurred.... i fell onto love's mercy b4 I came here, but after meeting you, I became it's captive.<br /><br />Of the very same thing I claimed to hate for so long before...<br /><br />But I'm not a beggar.<br /><br /><br />No, I will not go below my level and beg for anyone.<br /><br />Admittedly, an ego inside of me is part of the cause.<br /><br /><br />Sometimes, I'm not quite sure of you.<br />You say you love me, but then I dont feel it sometimes.<br /><br />Sometimes from you I get a cold feeling.<br /><br />Or sometimes I feel as if you love me... yet maybe not as much as I do....<br /><br />I will risk my life for you, I will bear your wounds...<br /><br />I will do alot for you.....except kill.<br />Naw no killing...or stealing, no I wont steal for you either lol.<br /><br />But really.<br /><br />I know you want a boyfriend...<br />To support you and love you and care for you....<br />To raise a family and so forth...<br /><br />I always have a heavy feeling inside me because I am not a boy... and ever since I started dating, found out the hard way that no matter who says they love me and want me, the man will always take precedence.<br />ALWAYS....<br /><br />In the end when the man comes around, I dont matter anymore.<br /><br />Either that or I find myself always at a second rate... I almost always get screwed over.<br /><br />People tell me I will never find someone to love me the right way here.... because the girls just wanna experiment, or they just think I'm hot and wanna be with me, just for the thrill.<br /><br />I always love them....and I am choosy no hell, so I'm very particular about a girl I like.<br /><br />But....<br /><br />It was such a waste going out with those girls.<br /><br />The realest thing I've ever felt was with you, Laura.<br /><br />So...sometimes I think the main barrier between us is the fact that I am a girl...maybe mainly.<br /><br />But thats sometimes.<br /><br />I dont wanna be hurt again.<br /><br />I dont wanna fall with no one to at least offer me a hand...tho I am quite capable of helping myself.<br /><br />I dunno where I'm goin with this....nor do I know how pathetic I probably sound.<br /><br />Especially since you probably wont see this.<br /><br />But even after so long, I can honestly say I love you.<br /><br />And perhaps...that is exactly where I feel.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-11829694591527004362010-04-08T07:41:00.000-07:002010-04-08T07:48:59.014-07:00A single kind word from u, makes me smileAnd you don't know that, do u?<br /><br />You know that I love you.<br /><br />However, I will not rush myself upon you.<br />Look at me, I am but a girl.<br /><br />I'm always there, for you... even when u dont know it.<br /><br />But i know that you search for love, in a fella's arms.<br />As in a man.<br /><br />Not a woman.<br />Not a girl.<br /><br />Not me.<br /><br />You know it's there for you, so its not for you to search.<br /><br />I've shown u in many ways how much I love you.<br /><br />I am waiting for you to embrace that, but, only if you want to.<br /><br />Being the person u are, I will not crowd you, the world is yours to explore, and potential lovers are there for you to find.<br /><br />I know, that although u say, it doesnt matter who you love, and that gender doesnt matter, somewhere inside you, somewhere, it still does matter.<br /><br />It naturally occurs to you to love a man. That's what we've all been taught.<br /><br />It doesnt occur to me, but that's me, not you.<br /><br /><br />Lauralee I will always have love for you.<br /><br /><br />But above all, I want you to be happy.<br />And if that takes a guy coming along and you end up falling for him, then, so be it.<br /><br />Xerai.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-82304694191444359012010-04-08T02:24:00.000-07:002010-04-08T03:03:47.817-07:00Hate being a girl sometimes.....Why?<br /><br />Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and say,<br />"Why...really?"<br /><br />Why was I made in this design?<br /><br />Sometimes I feel sick of myself.<br />Everything about me feels wrong.<br /><br />I would feel much more comfortable with myself if I were a boy.<br />I'd be more accepted.<br />Less ridiculed.<br />Things about me wouldnt come off as being so weird.<br /><br />I've noticed that i try to alter my personality so that others would just leave me alone.<br />I act as if I dont care.<br />Sarcastic at times.<br /><br />And other things.<br /><br />Basically, sometimes I try to act more like other ppl, and less like myself, so that I could generally be accepted and all the focus wont be on me and/or what I do or say.<br /><br />But they are all attempts to gain some sort of respect from ppl.<br />More my friends than anyone else.<br /><br />Because I always feel attacked at times.<br />Something I do or say, and they always have something to say.<br /><br />I feel that sometimes I just send something in them that makes them say something to bring me down... or if not so, just something negative.<br /><br />Everyday.<br /><br />It's getting to me.<br />Am I really that badly off still??<br /><br />And then lauralee says she sees right thru me.<br /><br />Yeah u do Laura, but not everything.<br />You literally have no idea of the half of it.<br /><br />Sometimes, I feel that whilst I look up to them, they look down at me.<br /><br />And the annoying thing is that people outside of my circle see me as something worth putting faith into, but my close friends dont.<br /><br />I feel like I have to 'prove' myself to them.<br /><br />And frankly I'm tired of it.<br /><br />Also, when I feel down, I feel as if NO ONE should know.<br />Especially Lauralee.<br />She tends to make me feel worse at times, because tho she cares, eventually she gets fed up and says that she doesnt.<br /><br />Or sometimes she just asks too many questions.<br /><br />She questions my sexuality, always asking why this, and why that.<br />I know she is concerned, but I know myself, and when I say 'it just is', she says that its bullshit basically.<br /><br />Like me she cannot simply accept an answer like that, and wants to understand.<br />But if i was in her position, I wont just say that. I'd at least try to accept that.<br /><br />And there are times when I want to cry. And be held at least some.<br /><br />I always stand alone and bear my pain by myself.<br /><br />I always try to be strong, but I'm actually very fragile at times.<br />People think I'm such an iron.<br />Boys are intimidated by me, and I by them.<br />(Note that these are not my close pals...or at least not my really close ones, cuz some close ones fall here as well.)<br /><br />They never see my weaknesses.<br /><br />My really close pals, never seem to see my strengths.<br />That is how I feel, I could be wrong.<br /><br />Sometimes, when a friend catches me in a downed state, i feel bad.<br />Because, as much as I want support, I hate to cry, especially in another's presence.<br /><br />I would try to evade a girl's gestures and caring, but eventually I may break down right there.<br /><br />However in front of a guy.... no way.<br />I feel more ashamed about crying in a guys presence.<br /><br />He may care, wanna hug me, and I am a girl, so naturally thats ok...<br />But I'm not a typical girl.... not a normal girl...I dont even wanna be a girl.<br /><br />I simply dont feel like one inside.<br /><br />And so with my brothers I tend to act rough and say nothing's wrong.<br /><br />Basically, all I wanted to let out is....<br /><br />I just wish ppl would accept me, and stop asking so many questions that I cant even answer.<br />I wish they would stop looking down at me as a hopeless case.<br />I wish they could have more positive things to say about me, rather than constantly pointing out the dumb things about me.<br />I wish I could have someone who would not get so annoyed with me when I am sad.<br /><br />Basically, I want it to be how it was in Trinidad... there, I was something of a crazy legend. Strange, but definitely respected and adored. (in high school)<br /><br />Here, I'm.... just someone who constantly gets picked on by ppl, and feels criticized by friends.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-23855069679387548452010-04-05T10:19:00.000-07:002010-04-05T10:43:00.145-07:00Fighting... for this love I trust is definitely real....Hello.<br />It's been a while since I updated.<br />Recently, I've been on a high... with the knowledge that she feels similar.<br /><br />It's an awesome feeling... and I'm happy.... yet....<br /><br />People have been bashing.<br />Friends of us both have been telling me not to bother with her.<br />How all I'm doing is putting myself thru stress.<br />Others warn me of being hurt later on.<br />More say that they are ashamed of me, still being around after a year.<br /><br />I don't like to talk about her much to them when they ask, cuz they always have something of that sort to say.<br /><br />It's not like I'm a hopeless lover, who's "dissatisfied with how things ended before and wanna make this right bcuz of that".<br /><br />Really?<br /><br />I'm not like that.<br /><br />I've always been around... because I didnt lie when I said those 3 words to her.<br />I honestly love her... maybe a bit too much for a 19yr old.<br /><br />I'm still young, and we defo cannot be together "forever".<br /><br />I dont believe in forever.<br /><br />But, I believe in "now", and "always been" and "always will be".<br /><br />I know.<br /><br />I've fallen in love with my last girlfriend... and I couldve sworn that she loved me too.<br /><br />I was still having feelings for Laura, but I loved her (Mahelia) and now I dont even want to remember why, tho I do.<br /><br />I respected our love, but she didnt, and she turned out to be... something I wont say.<br /><br />Every time we meet, I feel resentment, but I still say hi.<br />She used me. badly and she didnt even care about my feelings.<br />That is why I left her, in a kind manner, i said I'll always care... but yeah.<br /><br />Even I could say she doesnt deserve it.<br /><br />But loving Laura is not a rebound. It's always been true.<br /><br />So I will fight for our love. I will take the blows of everyone and stay strong.<br />For us both.<br /><br />I know our pals only want good for me... and dont want to see me hurt.<br /><br />But I wont be.<br /><br />They say too: Oh even if it works out 4 a while, she still going to check man, and leave you behind.<br /><br />Honestly, the thought is not foreign, i've thought it as well.<br /><br />But I wont entertain it, because I trust her, and for her to tell me she loves me herself, that means something.<br /><br />I.<br /><br />WILL.<br /><br />FIGHT.<br /><br />I'm not a hopeless and sad "masochist".<br /><br />I'm just someone who just happened to really love this girl.<br />I would even support her if she finds a boyfriend who really loves her, and well... might leave them alone in their happiness...because two lovers makes no sense to me.<br /><br />People may call me stupid... but I'm sorry.<br />I'm strong.<br /><br />I've went thru it all.<br />And will continue to do so.<br /><br />So, leave me alone, kindly.<br /><br />I love her and that's a fact i cannot change, not because I dont want to, I have tried, but because I cannot...and I know myself enough to tell.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-8024748402272045932010-03-05T21:39:00.000-08:002010-03-05T21:43:40.290-08:00Solemn?I've been.<br />Its like I'm miserable.<br />But I hide it cuz I dont wanna be a depressed mess.<br />It just annoys people.<br /><br />There's a pain inside me.<br />One I wish to dispose of.<br /><br />Just how can I "be myself"?<br />The Bishop said I just need to accept myself.<br />How can I, when I am of this nature...having to hide important aspects of myself to society because....<br />Because its "unnatural".<br /><br />It naturally happened to me.<br /><br />To feel sad due to yourself, because the reason you are sad is the fact of who you are...is the worst.<br /><br />I was in peppy moods at the beginning of the year.<br />I am a new person.<br /><br />But why?<br /><br />Why did I have to be this way?<br /><br />This is something I cannot change.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-82031996178245638822010-03-04T13:53:00.000-08:002010-03-04T20:53:59.569-08:00Sigh... this is how I really feel.Today was not a good day for me.<br />This morning, i cried.<br />At the bishop's I held back some serious tears.<br /><br />At school....<br />I broke down.<br /><br />So three times today I was emotionally wreaked.<br /><br /><br />My pals just wanted to understand me.<br />Inside, I was actually flattered.<br /><br />But given my mood for the day...<br />I didn't want to talk much because all I'd do is cry.<br /><br />I didn't wanna cry in front of them.<br />I just didn't want to.<br /><br />I felt ashamed.<br /><br /><br />But I'm glad I did.<br />Though i still didnt give a real explanation because I just wouldve cried more.<br /><br />And I didn't want to cry so much.<br /><br />Sigh...<br /><br />They said I lie alot.<br />Ok, i do lie.<br />But not as much as they think.<br /><br />Oh, sometimes the lies are incredibly useless and obvious.<br />Lol. (That's a real lol :D)<br /><br />But sometimes I really do mean what I say.<br /><br />They really didn't hurt my feelings today.<br />Why I felt so sad is because the subject had upset me before, and there it was again, to explain.<br /><br />Then, Laura.... she cared so much.<br />So did Cheri-Ann.<br /><br />They are so awesome. :)<br /><br />They cracked jokes.<br />They were funny... but given my mood all of them led me to think about my "gayness" and saddened me more.<br /><br />But, I honestly know to myself that I am gay.<br /><br />And so I decided, that since I really couldn't explain to their faces, much less when Abigail and Delon showed up....<br />Anyway the reason for that is, yes, Abi WILL crash the points I make.<br />I was already not able to compose myself sufficiently enough to explain...<br /><br />And I WOULD have cried... again.<br />No way did I want to cry, especially in front of Abi.<br />Why?<br /><br />Because I'd feel super embarrassed.<br /><br />Firstly, Abi has some ways. Sometimes, she'd insult me and usually I wouldnt care much, because, that's just Abi.<br /><br />So, given that I dont usually care about what she says normally, crying in front of her then because this topic has turned out to be an emotional one for me....<br />Would've just made me feel worse.<br /><br />But then, as Laura said, if I feel sad, I should cry.<br />It's really a release... I had been holding those tears up for at least two weeks.<br /><br />Anyway, I figure since they've been so loyal as to ditch class and stay with me, I will spill it out here.<br />Thank you again you guys.<br /><br />EXPLAINATION:<br />This is me being honest.<br />I hope you guys don't think I'm lying.<br /><br />Laura-> The reason why I couldn't keep a straight face with you when you made that face is because I was mega embarrassed. Of course I wouldnt have said that then... I wouldnt have admitted. Also Thanks so much for the hug... i really appreciate it...I wouldve hugged you back, I'm a bit more affectionate than I used to be... but the hug you gave me made me cry even more...<br /><br />Cheri-Ann-> Thanks to you too. And you could believe me when I say stuff... I'm not that much of a liar. I'm not saying that I don't lie... but sometime when I say no really and then my eyes drift away is because I feel embarrassed. And because of my embarrassment today... led me to cry as well.<br /><br />Based on topic:<br /><br />From where we left off, I clearly remember the last question: "And what is romance for you?"<br /><br />I couldnt answer that in the state I was...<br /><br />But as much as you guys wanna know, I want u guys to know.<br /><br />Cheri-Ann... please don't get freaked out.<br />Laura... I know you wont, but yeah.^^<br /><br />Romance for me is romance for you guys.<br />Except its a bit different for me, in that yeah... my orientation and also, my approach.<br /><br />For me, I like to take on a "fairy tale" aspect.<br />I tend to be at my romantic peak when I'm in a nice scenery with my girl or in music.<br /><br />Also...<br /><br />This is where I admit where I have lied: I have become sexually intimate with a girl before. And in this case, I was the one who initiated. It was totally what I wanted, I wasn't forced in any way.<br />Although... it didnt go "that" far......ish.<br /><br />I didn't want to say that aloud, cuz i didnt wanna freak anyone out.<br /><br />But yes, I actually do fathom being sexually active with a girl.<br />It freaks me out... when openly expressed.<br />I don't like to talk about it, because I'm the only gay one here in our group of four.<br /><br />Romance for me starts out like this:<br /><br />Scenario:<br /><br />I see a girl I like.<br /><br />At said times, the attraction is physical.<br />I say to myself, hey, she looks hot.<br /><br />But then I watch how she carries herself.<br />Then if I'm further interested I say,<br />"I'd like to get to know at least her name."<br /><br />Now because I can't immediately tell whether she's that way or not, I make a very platonic approach, yet somehow, unusually friendly.<br /><br />And, as I get to know the person, then I get to know where they stand.<br /><br />It's kinda simple... simpler when they tell me themselves.... which is normally the case.<br /><br />Now if said girl really liked me back...<br />At first, I wouldnt be very affectionate yet.<br />I'd tell her nice stuff, and gradually get to the point where I'd surprise her with a kiss scenario... which is super cool.<br />Umm... or if she pulls me in because I teased her a bit.<br />^^<br /><br />For me...<br />I would get physical with a girl, only and only if I have emotional feelings for her.<br />The sheer desire to be there to love, support and protect her becomes stronger.<br /><br />I automatically take upon myself the guy role.<br /><br />When I said I was somewhat transgendered, I meant to refer to the society role I feel most comfortable in.<br /><br />Inside, I feel like a guy.<br />But it's not like a necessarily want male sexual parts.<br />Although being a guy does involve this... it being pointed out so directly..makes me feel weird.<br /><br />As for marriage... I do fantasize about it from time to time.<br />But....in my mind I am always a guy in my subconscious.<br />I dream as being the best father there ever was.<br />I dream of having a daughter and a son. Yeah, just two initially.<br />I dream of having a really active yet laid back and awesome wife.<br />I dream of it all....<br />And then get pissed off.<br /><br />Reality kicks in.<br />I can't be a father.<br />I'm not a guy.<br /><br />And then I say...<br />"Eh... I don't wanna be married."<br /><br />I've also thought of marrying a guy and this is how I pictured it:<br />I say shit and say that I'd treat him badly.<br />Truth is a dont have the nerve, though I'm more aggressive and "on point" with guys... I still am nice to them.<br /><br />If I had a husband... this is how I pictured it to work:<br />So me and my male honeybun (or whatever) would be total equals.<br />Total.<br />I mean like to the exact same chores for example.<br />It'd be like brother and and very masculine sister more than husband and wife.<br /><br />We'd do a whole lot of crazy shit together.<br />I may wanna spar with him and compete with my strength. (then I'd imagine that I'm tough enough :))<br />I'd wanna take over and do his manly...stuff.<br /><br />But with children... we'd have a problem.<br />Sex with a guy... the thought irks me.<br />More specifically, the thought of ME having sex with a guy irks me.<br />I get "goosebumps".<br /><br />It would be much harder for me to be "romantic" towards a guy, rather than a girl.<br />Trust me.<br /><br />Though I've never actually been with a guy, I've had some strong feelings for a couple... the deepest being with Dion, remember?<br /><br />But every time he'd advance, I get tense.<br />What literally goes through my mind:<br />"What the hell dude? Don't you see i'm a----"<br />Then the pause in my head.<br /><br />Naturally, the last word would be "a dude".<br />Reality: I am not.<br /><br />And that frustrates me.<br /><br />Now I dunno why it does... that I cannot explain.<br />I cannot explain just what led me to like girls, but I remember the first thought I ever had when I had just entered adolescence.<br />The first ever that led to my romance period.<br /><br />Laura, you were partially right. But not fully.<br />You see, my father did lead to it... but it wasnt because i was afraid of a man treating me the way he treated girls.<br /><br />Everytime I would see him doing that shit then, I mused to myself.<br />But there came I time when this thought came in:<br /><br />"I would never be as horrible as you. Girls deserve better. I will be better than you. I would be the best I can be and the gentlest towards them. I would love them, more than you ever could."<br /><br />At that time I used to write all my inner thoughts inside a book, but this one i never forgot.<br /><br />At that time, it didnt mean much to me, then I was just being me.<br />Not once then did I think, hey, you cant love a girl like that, you are one. Never.<br />To me it just was natural.<br /><br />From since I was 14 I naturally had an eye for girls, and never questioned it.<br />Sexual feelings did come along, and in my fantasies... I was always with a girl...as a guy.<br />In my thoughts I was a guy.<br />It is strange.<br /><br />First all i desired was a kiss.<br />Then, the other stuff came along.<br />Not once did I ever think i was wrong.<br /><br />Until I came here in DA.<br /><br />Until I first began to question it.<br /><br />And then I realized that I had to come out of the closet that I previously wasnt aware of.<br /><br />They more i realized that these feelings were unnatural for me, the more I became engulfed in my thoughts, soul searching, looking for answers.<br /><br />Before I realized though, people used to say, "oh, are you gay?"<br />I used to take offense: "No, why the hell did you think that"<br /><br />And at the same time used to harbor very natural desires for a girl in my class.<br />I was extremely shy... I used to just look at her in a distance.<br />I played guitar then, so at a latter point when i locked myself in my room, I'd write music that she'd never hear for her.<br />When we played hockey together (yep, we were on the same team), I'd look at her move gracefully while hockey balls hurdled at me (yep, i was goalie, she was one of the forerunners).<br /><br />Pretty silly, due to preoccupation of thoughts about her I would nearly forget i was supposed to be stopping people from getting goals.<br />At one late attempt, i fell hard on my head. (had a helmet though)<br />She came running... and she helped pick me up and stuff.<br />I held her and hugged her.<br />That was an awkward time to do it... the game was on pause though.<br />She was like, why are you hugging me Sade, and laughed.<br />I blushed... and then got embarrassed.<br /><br />People were watching me like, what?<br /><br />But yeah.<br /><br />I guess I'd stop here.<br />Dont wanna make it too long... although... it still is long.<br /><br />Thanks again you guys. I hope I sorta cleared things. ^^<br /><br />Thank so much for being the friends you are.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-70848037561742196232010-03-04T06:48:00.000-08:002010-03-04T06:51:02.728-08:00For the pub...I can't take it anymore.<br />Being a gay person really saddens me.<br />There's pain everywhere, I never say nothing about them.<br />Someone tells me something, or something else happens.<br />Ok, I do care about people!<br /><br />I didn't choose this!<br /><br />I wish i wasnt.<br /><br />Today I am to talk to the bishop.<br /><br />I'm gonna tell him everything.<br />This is like a constant soul search for me.<br />I can't just be me at all.<br />Because people everywhere would have something else to say.<br /><br />I'm actually crying; the pain I can hold no more.<br />I feel so alone in this wicked world.<br />And no one is on my side.I don't wanna cry anymore.<br />I wanna be happy.<br />Yet I have never fully beenThen this whole want of love.... i could do without.<br />I want love.<br />I wanna give it to someone.Lord, why was I born a girl?!<br />Why?<br />Why couldn't I be a guy?<br /><br />Then my love wouldnt be wrong.<br /><br />and then maybe, I wouldnt be alone.<br /><br />Reason why I am alone is not because I have no choice, a few girls do want me.<br />But my stubborn love would not subside, nor will I allow it to.<br />I'm happy that it's true but...<br /><br />It also hurts.<br />Really bad.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8032806406217128480.post-89674990226557735732010-03-04T06:32:00.000-08:002010-03-04T06:40:41.001-08:00I'm sad....I can't take it anymore.<br />Being a gay person really saddens me.<br />I didn't choose this!<br /><br />I wish i wasnt.<br /><br />Today I am to talk to the bishop.<br /><br />I'm gonna tell him everything.<br />This is like a constant soul search for me.<br />I can't just be me at all.<br />Because people everywhere would have something else to say.<br /><br />I'm actually crying; the pain I can hold no more.<br />I feel so alone in this wicked world.<br />And no one is on my side.<br /><br />Even the fact that I'm in love make me cry.<br />Because I cannot tell her; she doesnt feel the same.<br /><br />I cant stand being myself.<br />Sigh...<br /><br />All my desires are being disregarded.<br /><br />Oh my God please!<br /><br />I don't wanna cry anymore.<br />I wanna be happy.<br />Yet I have never fully been.<br /><br />Then this whole want of love.... i could do without.<br />I want love.<br />I wanna give it to someone.<br /><br />But look at me!<br />I'm a girl as well.<br />It's gonna be wierd.<br /><br />Lord, why was I born a girl?!<br />Why?<br />Why couldn't I be a guy?<br /><br />Then my love wouldnt be wrong.<br /><br />and then maybe, I wouldnt be alone.<br /><br />Reason why I am alone is not because I have no choice, a few girls do want me.<br />But i love her like no other.<br />And my stubborn love would not subside, nor will I allow it to.<br />I'm happy that it's true but...<br /><br /><br />It also hurts.<br />Really bad.WolFFreaKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17990298728474221448noreply@blogger.com0