Saturday, January 30, 2010

Choking me....slowly.....

Another musical piano piece I plan to make; here are the lyrics:

A lack of feeling
A lack of knowing
That you and I
Won't ever exist again

Pretentious smiles
And wide set grins
While this pain lies
Beneath my skin

Cannot tell you
I long to show you
That if anyone mattered
To me
That its you

But you don't care
You don't know
Maybe its best
If it remains so

Yet it chokes me
Stunted breathing
Described from my every
Just how long will I last?

When you fall inside
I stand, watch and wish you'd fly

I'd catch you in midair
Leap to death
I don't care

Instead of seeing you

You depict such memories
While you make them
Such beauty of art
That lies inside you

You feel alone inside
Behind the joke, you hide

I feel deeply for you
But you dont want me
To be the one who'd come to save you
So i stand in my distance
Whilst you wait for that guy
Yeah, that one guy...

Well, where is he
Who'd say "I love you"?
Who'd be so glad
With the love from you?
With whom you'd make sweet love
And become one
With celebration of what's true?

He seems to be taking his sweet time
But I'm sick of seeing you
Without someone to call yours
To hold on tight and protect you

Well I'm not that guy
I'm not a guy but my feelings soar
They are all for you
But you don't care at all.....

Yeah.... the piano piece is instrumental.
It will be generated and composed on FL Studio 8 Producer Edition.
And guess what??

She'd never know.

I can live through my pain.
But I hope that hers will end soon.
Even if not ever with me.

How many stupid but selfless lovers exist?

Saturday, January 23, 2010 thinking of going Anti....

It sure as hell sickens me.

Truth is that I didnt know.
"Was just a phase?
Was more or less an experiement, to see where your feelings lie?"

I'd prefer if you told me yourself;
"Hey, I dont like you in that way anymore, i'm not bi, that was just a phase. So don't mistake anything I do to mean anything, and dont get confused."

Or something like that.

Now, she's goona avoid me like the plague..... worse than that.
And you know what?

Let her.
It's ok.

She always gets mad at me anyway.
And it's not like I'm gonna be too upset, I'll be busy still with my life.

And.... I hate facebook.
I'm gonna fucking leave it.

She took the comment the wrong way, ok fine, that's ok.
She got insulted, ok, i understand.

I apologize, but she's too mad to see my sincerity and all she can say is, "fuck you!" and "ur an asshole!"

I try to hide my wall from the public, so NO ONE could see anything on it; was gonna let the day pass, just so that she wont see anything to upset her again, and lo and behold....
She blocks me.

Now, the blocking and the rash replies don't account too much for me, i mean, she's mad so I dont blame her.

But she's just so disgusted by me.
And guess what?
I'm fed up of her and this stuff that keeps happening.

Like she leaves a comment like " Girl go and find a man eh honestly, and leave me alone. And as for d other one, you already choose him, so check your scin..bounce".

You know, I dont really care.
I know, one of the two people mention there is directed at me, I just dont know for sure which one.

You know what?
I WISH she was in my position and that I was in hers. Then she'd be the one being hurt deeper and I'd be the one waving my anger around!

But then, I NEVER post my true feelings on facebook. Never.

Only here on my private blog.

There are no links.
No alternatives.
Hopefully... no traces.

She doesn't know the sitename.

I'm an anonymous follower of her blog.
So she still can't see me.
She doesn't follow my blog so she doesn't get any updates at all.

So it's very private.

And I say it all here.
It's how I feel, not meant to demean or anything.

So..... as for the next month or so....

I'm gonna leave without a trace.
So there.
You won't see me again.

Friday, January 22, 2010


Is definitely found in love.
Why did I have to fall for her?
I'm mad at myself a little.
I wish I could just see her like just another friend I have who's a girl and that's it.

But I cant.


It's one thing to love someone who loves you back, at least to some similar degree or somethin, even though you can be together.
It's another, however, to love someone who probably doesnt, and will not, and who u shouldnt hope to, love you back, nothin more than as a friend.

I dont wanna lose her, so I act the friend role, well I am her friend, duh!
But it sad sometimes for me.
I miss her.
I try my best not to make her know that.

If I am tru to my feelings with her, she avoids me like the plague at times.
So with her, I must lie, to keep this.

I don't like to hold my feelings in.
It makes me so emotional and tears run down my eyes as they've been holding up all day for days, behind the smiles, which are not fake, I mean I enjoy my life, but there's still a hole.

Love is blind, def, and dumb, people may say.
And yes, in some ways they are right.

But my love is not blind; i see the good and bad, the upcoming pain and the wounds that will heal time and time again, both given by the two parties involved; us, if we were to ever come back together, which will never happen anyway.

Def? It can be, but I sure do listen to anything she says and respect it, and anything anyone else says once related to her or anything around there.

Dumb? Sometimes my love is very quiet, but only because it must be. It must stay quiet, so that she wont evade me. Or abandon me and leave me alone.

What can I say? It destroys me, but I rather that somehow..... or not.
I rather not be in love, then I won't feel this way.
But I am, and I cope with it, and though I know fully, that my yearnings will only bring me further down under.......

I wont lie.

I feel this way, and it's truer than anything else I've ever felt.

>.> I miss you, and I'm sorry, but I'm hopelessly and deeply in love with you.

(Even though I have many options and this is no sense of desperation, or neediness, but if u feel such things, for someone, you do tend to need the person.
I know you don't like it, so I'm sorry that you had to be the one.)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

My god... How I hopelessly fall for you....

Why are you like that?
You steal my heart from me so often, its crazy.
I keep my composition around you, but when alone I gaze into nothingness and think of only you.
Wow.... you are beautiful.
Simply stunning, girl you are hot.
I don't know why you tend to think you're not.

I'm like a sick boy in a crush.
Though this is not merely a crush.
I love you, like words could never explain.

My god, Laura, you are my love.
I know that your sometimish with me; sometimes ur in sometime ur out.
Sometimes you like, others, definately not.

Laura, you are something else.
I accept you for you entirely.

Here I am, acting all "well, she's my friend, it's no biggie" jeez!
Laura, I love you so much you wont believe!

I need you.
I want you.
I gotta have you.
I wanna make you want me too.

You won't know how it happens, but when it does, you'll be in for something new.
I am not the girl you knew a year ago.

So, bust that.
Come with me when you know that I'm gunning for you.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


She's mad at us all.
I did something, or said something to piss her off.

Well it's her right to be mad, if it hurt, she has all the right to act towards it.

I'm not even a little mad at her.
I understand how she feels.
The wierd things is that she is one of the very few I just can't get too mad at for long, or when she acts out how she feels negatively, i just understand and have nothing to say against it.

But i do get mad at her.
It's normal and expected.

She says I lie and that i get sick of her.

I don't get "sick" of her.
I get irated sure.
I get pissed sure.
Sometimes I even have feelings of hate for her when i'm hurt by her.
But i can't hate her.
I can't stay mad at her.

Most times if I'm upset I just cry over it alone.
Let the tears flow.
Write a few poems and stack them away with the LOADS and LOADS of papers I have from her and to her from since I first knew her.

And then that's it.

My mind is always on her, she never leaves.
Sometimes I hate it, most times I'm glad.

Because I know that I love her.

Sometimes, when she makes it sound as though I don't care about her, i get really insulted.

Because I know that that's not true.
I not only care for her, wanna look up to her and be there for her, support her in anyway....
I LOVE that girl to death.

But I can only do so as a friend, and that too, is beause I know she wants that, even though it hurts me, and though I may have selfish feelings from time to time....

It's her I care about, her feelings.

I always use her facebook as an update to how she feels, as a hints for what she won't tell me.

I look at her msn pm's too on live spaces.

And anywhere else i can remember, but these are the two main places.

But, I hurt her in ways I never am aware of at the time.... and it's not cool.
Sometimes I hate myself for them, but I'm never too hard on myself because I'm only human after all.

She removed me and some pals off her facebook.

And I'm not even a little mad.
It's not that I don't care.
We talked online.
She said everything she wanted to say.
She warned me.
So it's not too much of a shock.

I respect her in the greatest ways.

She doesn't know, but i really love that girl in the truest form.
Maybe I could never be with her physically... i'm not very physical.
But I've never stopped being in love with and loving her.
And it's the pain I am willing to endure for as long as it will remain.
Because I just love her like that.
If i tell her that to her face she may not get the extent cuz i wont be able to explain it so well with my mouth.

But still, it's the through.
It's not a secret.

I don't hide it.
It's an unsaid thing, and I'm sure she picks it up a little.

So now, she's really upset.

She's a strong feeler and I respect her for it, she's allowed to feel.

No matter how deep.
It's all good.

Hey, i feel too much too.

So i would know.

I really hope that she gets me fully.
See that I'm not lying.
Know that I am always there.

I just want her to live her life happily; she always hurt, and I contribute.

That's the bad part.

I better watch myself closer so I won't hurt her so much again.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

So... let's just say....

That I still sorta miss you.
But I'm trying not to act on it.
Is that the right thing?

So, I sorta see myself liking him too.
But it's kinda hard to just switch like that.
How can I?

I still love you.
But I'm hiding that fact a bit.
It doesn't feel great, but I gotta do this for now I suppose.


If I was a guy, I know I could definately be at your side, no problem.
But I'm not.

That's the problem.

My fault for falling in love with you.

Now I must live with it, being in love, but not being able to share this feeling... the pain of which i feel holding it in now...

But as I do, I'll live.

Monday, January 11, 2010


So... i'm so glad no one read this stuff.
The last blog entry.... mefff!

Don't worry bout it.

I'm just goin along life and being myself.
No sad notes.
No stuff like that.

I was in a moody mood then.
But not now. :)

She's happy... well generally.
And I am too.

We'll be happy as pals.

May our stories unfold, clash and divide, lol.
Live our lives, all as a group.^^

Friday, January 8, 2010

Hi Laura (though I know you'd probably NEVER see this...)

At times when you feel alone, I care for you.
Scratch that; I ALWAYS care for you.
The three words you read from me from time to time, "i love you" was NEVER used in vain.
Because unlike you who wondered if you ever really loved the people you left before; I know for sure that I've loved the people I've been with, though it's only say, two real relationships I've been in.

Currently, I am trying my best to fall out of love with you, because I've realized that in some way I always fall short.

With you, I've never been completely sure of whether you were willing to be back with me ever since we broke up about a year ago.
Because your feelings always seemed to change about me, and I found myself mistrusting them after a while.

One day it seems that you want me back, and willing to accept any move I want to make, but 2 days after I haven't and then you seem all indifferent or regretful of thinking that we ever could; thinking that I wasn't ready or afraid.

I do things in my own time, and in my small experience with "not ever serious" relationships (which are just occurrences) I always made them wait.
And then at least a week after, I surprise them.

Ever since we broke up over known reasons, I figure that this will never work with you. You always tend to assume otherwise before 4days even pass.

I tend to wonder if you've ever really loved me anyway.
Like you said, you weren't sure about the others before.
I tend to think that I definitely fall under that category.
It's a shame though, because I feel like I set myself up again. I know I loved you. I know I still do. No doubts ever about that.

You've misunderstood me so many times that I don't even try to convince you anymore, and here I was thinking that you were one of the very few.

It's like you don't even really know me.
And yet the weird part is that yet you know me the most in other ways.

I am not a person to allow people in easily, and so most literally say that I'm a story to unravel; a mystery.
The more you know, the deeper you get.
The deeper you get, the more you find.

And then you say there are some things I just don't understand and it annoys you.
Well.. o well... a shortcoming.

I know what I did wrong, and the rights that I didn't do.
You'd never leave them behind.

Sigh. And so, I try to subdue my feelings here because I know they are more or less unrequited or if I am wrong, I never got a different impression.
Communication was a lack for us anyway, and you're not into deep heartfelt stuff, so you've said to me.

I guess I was wrong.
I guess we weren't meant to really be.
Although I've tried to not look at it that way, I refuse to waste any more tears over a matter that seems too inevitable to change.
Though we did get somewhere as friends.

I always said that i was stubborn because me love for you was of that nature; stubborn, unconditional, stubbornly strong.
I saw and faced and even felt the lashes of your faults, and even though they upset me deeply I knew I could handle them.
Because I loved you for your whole self, good and bad.
I'd never been so accepting of any one person like that in my entire life so far.

Then you confused me. Little affection you tend to show me I used to see it as a spark, a sign of me finally getting somewhere with you. But then sometimes even a day after; you're uncompromising and cold towards me.

I never got that. And it took alot from me to try.
Then I began to doubt you a little bit.
I think for you being with me, a girl, that was just "it just so happened". An incidental thing.
Guys are for you, not girls.
Not me.

Lauralee, I love you. But maybe I never convinced you. And you used to say the same, and I was never fully convinced myself.
You are more physical it seems when it comes to love, and I am not.
I feel more than I show. I'm dare say I'm even more emotional than you are.
You think you cry too much?
I cry for and over for you all the time; even now as I type these words I am fighting back inevitable tears.

But I'm tired of hiding somewhere so that I can cry. I'm tired of isolating myself so I gather my emotions and talk to myself about you, and cry even more.

This past year, I see that before I was too afraid to show you how I really felt and after that when I started pursuing you again, you never really gave me a chance, or when you did, it was never at my own pace or I just didn't catch up.

This is me being entirely truthful to you.
I was never much of a good liar anyway.
It seems that at times when I send you something as deep as this, sometimes you get pissed.
Don't take any of this the wrong way; don't just jump to conclusions; you're very well known for doing that and it's not very fair.
Do like what your intro says in your own blog; "The plethora of theories".
Normally I would send you this, but this time no, I would wait until you've found this yourself, whenever that may be, then, the time would be right.
I only do stuff like this, because you are important to me Laura, even though you tend to think that maybe you just don't matter or if you are uninteresting, know that that's the lie.
You are not; to me.
Even if you don't want to be like this for me and would rather have someone else feel that way for you instead...

This was NOT a choice, and some things in life doesn't need a logical explanation or reason, oh seeker of truth.
And I dare say that if you contradict this with the whole "but EVERYTHING has to have a reason that CAN BE EXPLAINED", Laura, I'm telling you right now that you are wrong.
Yes there us a reason for everything, but not always able to be explained, sometimes, it's a gut feeling.
This is one of these.

True, I don't know love really, I can't explain it, hell, I've never been in as many relationships as you have, but that's not always the point.
I've been around now, I have some, though very little experience.
But I know what I feel, and I KNOW THAT'S IT NOT A MERE association of feelings here.
I'm certain of that, no matter the odds.
I'm firm in what I feel and believe.
This is not fake.

I stress again nothing i ever did was forced, but do you have any idea how risky it is to show homosexual feeling in front of people you don't really know how they'd take it, accept it, and that they may cast a bad eye on you?
That's how it always was for me, but since we were barely ever alone, and that you were apparently afraid of me....
Why would you be? I'd never do anything you didn't want me to. I can't physically hurt you. I won't force you to do anything you didn't want to?

I'm like the safest person, because I just do nothing.

I know I've lacked certain things and personalty traits you need and for that I cannot seem to forgive myself.
And given everything else that happened, and your disgust that you've acquired for me, I guess that's part of how things became due to change.

But it's ok, because all I really want in the end is for you to be happy. Even if it's never ever going to be with me.
And that seems to be the case here.

By the way, I really appreciate you being truthful to me and finally telling me how you felt about me.
Thank you for letting the words "sometimes I think us dating was a huge mistake" come out.

It hurt deeply but, I never saw it this way.
I saw it as very unfortunate for us to have gone through these things, and that maybe it may smoothen out; this bumpy road we embarked on. That all it could take is time.
But I guess you can't take such things. We are all young, we all want what we think we deserve. And you won't come along with me here. I respect that and should probably stop here myself.

I will subdue my love for you. I will try my hardest not to act on it. I will find my way and perhaps someone may come to me; someone I may actually like.

But, I will always love you.

However I can't take the one-sided-ness anymore. enough is enough, and my heart is fragile yet strong.
There is so much pain i can take. and over a year seems to have done a lot of damage being so positive and then being inevitably let down, through my own fault.

You are bound to find someone else who really loves you, and who's a guy who's the man you so desire and deserve.
So, take care Lauralee and don't you ever worry about me, if you do.
Just be happy.
I'll always be for you as well whenever you are.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Thank god no one really reads this stuff.
Yeah, an overstatement on my part.
Was pissed at how stupid I was, y'know?

Although I'm gonna really subdue my feelings, that doesn't mean I could take them away just like that.
I doubt that they'd fully go at all.

But I just gotta try.

I don't wanna feel this way...

I'm stupid.
I'm just stupid; there I go again, crying for shit.
I cry alot when no one's around.
When no one knows, that's when the tears flow.
I wish I had a shoulder to cry on.
But there's no such thing for me.
No pity on myself of course, I mean, i was never used to it.

Jeez, I wish I could just forget...
I wanna forget.

That stupid part of me wishes that she'd feel the same, choke on her own conscience and realize that she at least feels similar.
That stupid part of me wishes that we could just be true to each other.

But then again...
Wishes = shit.
Simply put.

Even if we (which will never happen) get together again, things may still be rocky.
She will still be more focused on the next guy of interest. (they always change, much like her susceptibility to constantly change)
I will still not feel really loved.

Just like how it was; i didn't feel loved, I felt as if I had to do everything, which wasn't fair.

She did warn me; "It will be unfair for you."

Damnit, why didn't I listen?
I set myself here, feeling hurt and all that shit.

I love her, but this seems to be hurting me; the fact that I love someone who won't and will never feel similar towards me.
It just won't happen.

And it taking me a long time to just grab that concept, swallow it and move on... no instead I must be all "optimistic" with the whole "maybe, just maybe, things might change for the better. maybe if I just wait longer...."

A year not enough for you, you dumbshit!


I really NEED to fall out of love with her.

If I do, i'll feel better, and she won't be affected, in fact she may not even care.
She might just be glad...
"Good, that crazy child FINALLY got the message. But jeez, slow much?"

Yep, sounds like it.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Everything's so "high and dry"...


I don't feel so well at the moment.

My heart's beating all fast and I can't think very straight.
There's this weird feeling in my stomach that won't subside.
I put my finger on the particular side of my neck, god.... my pulse is rapid.

And this happens when she's nowhere near.

I looked at her c-window just now, my god I didn't wanna say nothin'.
The fray telling me; look say hi and just talk, other side; no, say naught.
She ain't even lookin' at yur name, why you making this such a deal?
Just another person you know, just another person.

But of course my silly senses went on creating conversation.
It was dry.
Haha, silly me.

I'm feeling tired now.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Easier said that done...


"Dear person who very well know themselves,

I love you still.
Is that wrong?"

I can't just discard those feelings.

I just gonna live this year, and still follow my resolution.
I'll see things clearly along the way.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

If I really love her...

Then I'd better start falling OUT of love with her.
Discard those feelings fast.
Unrequited love is not something one should stick themselves in.

And then...
I suppose she'd be happier with that.

I guess I just shouldn't read into any sign of affection she happens to show and not get confused, because....

We are just friends.

I'm putting this in writing so I can see it, remember it, swallow and digest it!
My resolution is not to be as stupid as last year.

Consider this, part one.

I'm not a stalker, but perhaps I have "stalked" once or twice

And I realized that that is just plain old stupid.
I've my own life to live.
Maybe I've been overly concerned, but I never lost my place to go and actively invade.
Though... I used to just show up.
And.... that's about it I guess.
Maybe I've been on her fb too much?
But whatever.
I don't even wanna know anymore what she's up to.
Whatever, y'know?
My life.

She's still my friend.
Better to keep it that way, than to hope for a stupid desire.
One that'll NEVER happen.
There, as she said, is NO possibility I suppose.
O well.

This year, I plan on not looking like an ass.
Or being controlled by some stupid string.
Not me.
Not anymore.
I am my own person.
No void here!


I demand my own control to myself.

Friday, January 1, 2010

I'm sorry..... for being in love with you

I couldn't help myself.
Like I said, you were my weakness.
And secretly, you still are.

I annoyed you again.

What can I do to stop this?

Everything I do seems to get to you, either if it's something I say.

This year, I'd leave you alone.
I just hope I don't get confused again.

Things are to be clear this time around!

Or... I may just find someone else...... someone to make me feel how you do... except she may love me back for real.


I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.
Still, I love you.