Sunday, November 1, 2009

I see a friend in threat of self loss.... And I see myself in a constant persuit for something I can't find......

Like a soul in a battle she shouldn't be in. Armed with a sword and a shield, holds close to her heart, and ready to die knowing that honor lies within it all...... To find that the war is everyone to one...... Not very fair..... still fights on.... Waiting.... Shouting.... She's unheard.

I'm here again.

Life really is mean on us adolescents.

I see a change in my friend.
She's all irritable and "narly".

I see it in her eyes... maybe.
They look sad.
I met at first as a bubbly soul.

Now she's changed.

Life isn't so great for her. There is a sadness she won't outwardly show. Sure, there are friends she will talk to... but in that deep sense i'm not one of them. Not anymore. Not for now.

But that won't stop me. I still love and care for her. Dearly. But I can't let her know that too much.

As for me, my life has changed too.
I am not "le seul leup" anymore.

I'm still on my 7Leaps4Ward.
That's my life quota.

Society has been really dumping on me.
It does on everyone but....
Just for being myself I get attacked in one way or another.
By my family... my friends....

I hate society for that.

I tried once to try to fit in, in a way in which i pretend to fit in to be myself when no one's around.
But then... how shitty is that?

I just had to do that.
It's been raging.

It's happened so many times, the attacks against me, that i've realized that the little things my friends try to make me do gets misinterpreted by me.
I get all n"narly" about it.
Not really necessary is it?

Sorry all my pals who felt like i did overreact and made a big deal.... I did didn't I?

So much for being human.

But I stand strong on my word and I refuse to be led in a way that's not mine.
Our life's ours to live.
Why not enjoy it at least by having that feeling of saying;

"Well at least I made myself happy by being truly myself."

That's all I want.

And I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

My friend feels somewhat similar in that sense as she said in her blog.
I wish that she could see, that I care.
And when she doesn't want me to.... well I'll leave her alone, but she'll be in my mind.
She's worth it.
She a person and everyone is worth at least another soul's concern.
So there!


My love life... errr....

Really and truly i'm not sad about it being bleah.

There were other girls who were interested.
I did get involved with one of them who doesn't go to the same college I do.
No one knows of it, cuz i kept it so.
That begun 2 months after my 1st and ended 2months after. Or about.
I ended it.
Why? Cuz I realized something. Though there was love, there was no depth. There was no real intimacy. It was under oh so wrong conditions. That was truly a forbidden love in all senses of the word.
But above all, she only wanted me for physical purposes.
More or less.

As I stand for, sex is not what defines a relationship.
it plays a part... but it doesnt define it.

And as for a homosexual relationship, sex shouldn't even be to apparent unless you've been with the person for say years or.... well really it's not needed.

Just love each other.
Kiss sure.
Be intimate.
But no strip down and try to strip me.... jeez.
That is creepy... sorry.
I don't want that to happen again.
No she didn't almost rape me... she said i was so "manly".
How I led it and so forth.
How i knew how to handle and keep her in check.
But in fact i didn't.
I was just being me.
And really, i didn't wanna continue lying on my heart, saying that i could freely move on.
Cuz to me I shouldn't.
And that's too, why i ended it.

And then there are... if i check... about three others stalking me.
Just recently i had to tell one off cuz she was getting too serious, and really?
"I don't really know you. You're cool as a friend but... i can't do this."

For all the others, even if it's just three, that i even know of, it's the same.

But with her, it's not.

And no one knows that, but me.
Blame this society.

Also too.... i've recently been friends with some devout young Christians.
And dude!

They understand me.
Even when I openly confessed that i was gay, when i expected to be shunned?
They embraced me.
For it all.

Even for my childishness and weirdness and not to mention my idiosyncrasy.

I've never felt so accepted before in my entire life.

So naturally, i'm taking my religion into a little more consideration.
I'm not devout, still secular, but with a religious touch, y'know?

I'm actually trying not to act on the gay desires.

But there's the question of being able to be happy being an all-life celebrant, while harboring a strong love for one particular girl.

Life really is interesting.
And i'm able to smile through it all.

Though when i see pals all "lovey-dovey" around me, i feel.... err-ish.
Like, wrong.
I don't deserve to be alone.
But i am.

Cuz as stupid as it may sound, and as unrealistic it may appear to you, i rather stay alone loving someone even if they don't love me back in that way or even if they do, that they don't want to go through the same things again, than to love someone else, knowing that in my heart, it belongs to someone else.

And i'm fine just the way i am so if anyone doesn't like it.... then too bad.
For you cuz I do.

Either way... my friend who i'll always love...
If you ever come across this, listen.

I'm always here for you.
You can still pull me away and cry on my shoulder.
Heck I'll do the same; we'll cry together.
I know you as far as i do, but those I don't is due to that mask that you wear for society.

But your eyes sell you out sometimes.

I've never known of a truer love inside than what i have for you.

But whether in simple friendship or in any sort of relationship, which to both i accept;

I'm here always.
I meant every word.
I didn't lie.
And not much has changed concerning how i feel for you... all the deep stuff that i do.

So... Godspeed my friend.
Always wish well.

And to you readers, if there are any, thank you.
You now know how this WolFFreaK feels.
Respect it, for I am too, a human being, just like you.