Saturday, May 22, 2010

Fuck it all...

Fuck this place, I want out.
I dont like it here.

I feel misplaced.

My friends....who are they?

Who are my true friends?

I know who they are, but sometimes even they make me feel bad.

This is why I dont talk much anymore.

And I wont tell them how I feel either because they'll just see me as a case.
More or less.

Let them lead their happy lives and I'll just live my miserable one.

I wanna cry.

This is the only place I feel like I matter right now, in my blog, which thankfully, no one reads.

Cuz they'll just get pissed.

You know what just leave me alone.

IM convo that made me a good way.

ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
its been a while
how r you?
AmiLove - Reminder says:
I am good
I kno it has been a while
how are you keepin?
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I'm fine. I have a part time job now....started since january^^
College still sucks and I have 2 do an extra yr
But I'm keepin well
I've been working on self projects as wel ^^
AmiLove - Reminder says:
No biggie Mama, thats life do what u gotta do to get by
just aim high and u will do well Sade
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
^^ thx lol
I wanna be a director when I get older
oh! and conratuate Rudra for me
I'm so proud of him!
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Yes he is
Today he is receiving an award
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
cool! Well thats good
he's been added to my list of inspirations ^^
how r you tough
like with school and stuff?
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Well i have a 3.85 gpa
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
i wish I was like u
my gba's not good
ummmlets see... 1.96
very poor, which accounts for my extra yr lol
what r u studing?
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Omgeeizie u need another field to study in
that one is not bringing out the best in u
trust me
Early Childhood education
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
sounds nice
well my major is IT
is not what I wouldve wanted to do
but I have no choice
AmiLove - Reminder says:
how are you doing in IT
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I do....ok in some courses, but I just fail some, and then pass them on the 2nd I've been a bit unfocused lately so that affects it as well
It's fun..........well not really. I wish there was an art course, I'd ace it
When I go abroad I still have to start from scartch anyway
plus at times I have like no motivation at all
AmiLove - Reminder says:
I hope u have no distractions your way that are holding you from yah dream
like Love
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
lol.....actually it was one of the main distartions
AmiLove - Reminder says:
LOL i kno the feeling
Well i have let go of mine in Dominica... I love him but too much head ache
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
lol...i can relate
except mines a bit different
AmiLove - Reminder says:
how different
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
and more stressful
AmiLove - Reminder says:
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says: was with a girl.....
thats why
and my gosh my mum is another stress
AmiLove - Reminder says:
well fyi Sade, i am BI so different is not far from it all
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
oh? u are?
AmiLove - Reminder says:
yeah ever since i kno myself
i have had three flings but one relationship
but the girl was caught in the middle because she had a gf, and bf and I had my bf
understand and that can be annoying trying to juggle
and it is not fair to any party
so I understand yah ply
and I hope your mother can embrace you with an open hear and no buts to her love
like I love you BUT...
Well just to let you know if you ever need someone to talk to hit me up
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
well....I'm gay, I told her last year, and we're having problems
AmiLove - Reminder says:
I have an open hear and an open heart
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
she puts me down and there is definately a but
AmiLove - Reminder says:
not stricken by anything
Wow I am sorry to hear this
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I've had 2 serious relationships, but the 1st wa confused and I was just too scared and depessed
and the 2nd used me
AmiLove - Reminder says:
and i am sure ever since u knew yourself u knew that you were different
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I cant stand another, though Ive had flings too, but ntn really
yep I did
i knew it
It makes me sad cuz I dont feel accepted tryin not to cry
and love seems fake cuz when i know i feel it 4 some 1 they just dont care as much, i have concluded that there is no one I can love here
cuz they all have fake motives, and Im not up for experiments
AmiLove - Reminder says:
yeah it is something when u know that inside u have a secret well if u were here there are organisations that support LGBS associations meaning Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals and Straights come together to talk about issues
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
i wish I was there
I dont like it much here
sorry lol
AmiLove - Reminder says:
I kno ppl that are full Lesbians
My aunty is a Lesbian
and has been like forever
most of the girls in school are afraid to do anything because of what ppl think
and don't fully come out because of what ppl think
you just have to stay positive
for now focus on you and getting out and making it big for yourself
because you need you time
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
its hard 2 be when ur mum says, u need God and u'll go to hell cuz Its wrong...oh! and here's he personal fav: It's ur choice
God! I hate when she says that
I even go n talk 2 the Bishop about it
AmiLove - Reminder says:
tell her where in the ten commandments doe it say that being gay is wrong
look at how many adulters there are out there
tell them go to hell not me
You are my mother and you are suppose to love me for who I am regardless
and that how can u even think that way
I am the same person
tell her u are the same person Sade
and u had to tell her how u are and u are born that way
there is no cure
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
trust me, its not that easy....she's fed up of me...says when I want to talk abot that its always the same thing, and that I dont listen to her, how I need to pray and God will heal me
AmiLove - Reminder says:
for being Gay or homosexual
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
but there is noting to heal
AmiLove - Reminder says:
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I cant tell her that, she will think Im even ruder
AmiLove - Reminder says:
if u ever need to talk to someone Talk to my Dad
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
I cant do anything, so I just waitin to leave
AmiLove - Reminder says:
dont beat up yah self
love you for who you are always
and nothing can bring u down
nothing can move u
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
yeah....but I have no support at home, I cant fully be myself cuz of society, and sterotypes piss me off
AmiLove - Reminder says:
U have to just say FUCK it
and live for you
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
and plus, I do love my faith, i honestly think to myself nothing is wrong with me, even if Im this way cuz God knows
but then
AmiLove - Reminder says:
But i will send him a text cuz my aunt can talk to you and just make you feel more comfortable
God made you that way
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
he did, my mum says my dad caused it...i honestly dont care how it happened all i know is its how I was meant to be and od knew it was gonna happen and yeah
I can still serve him, and Im not a deviant
I just wish ppl would understand but then again it doesnt matter
I even wished I was a guy so ppl would stop thinking I need help
or stop watching me wierd cuz they dont even know me
oh yeah, ur dad does no im gay...he guessed it lol
Its hard 2 accept much so that it affects my grades
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Just hit me up when u need to talk or email me cuz i have to get ready to go out ok... Just know that I am there ok
Much love
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
kk thx tho
uve been a big help
I'll see you
AmiLove - Reminder says:
But i will be yur support
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
enjoy ur outing^^
AmiLove - Reminder says:
When i come home in August I will talk to you
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
ur coming??!
AmiLove - Reminder says:
And try and talk to your mother
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
ok cool!
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Yes I am
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
ive given up seriously
AmiLove - Reminder says:
in a positive manner
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
it wont help
things r bad enough i dont wanna be more stress 4 her
AmiLove - Reminder says:
i dont care trying is better than settling for less
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
i already am
AmiLove - Reminder says:
Aye las
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ says:
kk i will sigh
AmiLove - Reminder says:
but i can tell u that the church is fighting agaisnt it but Pedophil vs Homosexuals
and we all know who everyone hates is ppl who touch children
so dont worry about it the church will have to bend in its hard ways soon enough
bye bye
ϟΜζJ'ЖθΦI-Xeraḯ said (11:11 AM):

This is just for me to remember. And since this is my only safe place to say whatever I want then.....I just wanna post this.

Why does it feel like you just dont support me?

I know u care as a friend.

But sometimes it feels like you just doubt me.
You doubt a lot of stuff I say.
You doubt my abilities.

I mean I understand where you are coming from.

But it'd be nice if you were a lil more positive.

I'm a dreamer let me dream.
This is exact reason why I say nothing important on facebook.

But I always forget about you on twitter.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Unlike most people, I cannot really hold a conversation, and may be socially retarded...

But still.

I can't really talk much, especially on msn.
What is there to talk about?
I dunno....

I don't care much about my phone, gave up on it a long time ago.

I have friends (duh), and I even have my "circles", but I'm always just, there.

There ain't nothing much for me to say, basically cuz I just am ignorant to, whatever's interesting.

There is this awkward silence every time....well most times.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Who Am I?

Whilst looking at myself, then and now, there has been alot of changes.

Before I left Trinidad, where the people I hold dearly to me still reside, I was a pretty normal abnormal child.

A young girl who hid everything about her deeper self.
Mostly people knew me for my wolves, and my guitar, and my art more or less.

Now here, in Dominica, I came out.

In ALL senses of the word.
And still in the process.

Yes, I am still the wolf freak, but even more so now.

I'm at 3rd Grade on the Guitar I named Providence, because I wanna find my own someday.
But I'm mostly self-taught.

I'm a composer, artist, poet, wanna-be director, script writer....

I'm still a freak, was overly so when I first came here, and then regained my "accepted-freak" stat.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm gay?
Yes, I am.

And everyone (sorta) knows it.

No, I am not proud, because society holds me in a cell.

But yes, I am very sure of myself, because it took me 3years to reach acceptance of myself.

No, I am not the typical "lesbo", which is a term i detest.
I'm not the typical anything.

I am also a bit religious. Impossible? Nothing is.
The local Bishop is a friend to me.

I am me.

And still on the way to be known only as such.

I never fit in, even though I have tried once.

And I hated it.

Never again.

Hey world. My name is Sade McLeod, born Trinidadian, immigrant of the Commonwealth of Dominica, artist, musician, composer, writer, dreamer, wolf enthusiast/lover, pain killer, undercover gay, and future director. My official alias is MZJackoby, but fully it's Micheal Zeke Xerai Jackoby. My logo and general amateur production/art line is 7Leaps4Ward.

What more is there to say?

Oh yeah, I've been through a lot, like most people these days.

And yes, I love, love. Even without a significant other, for now.


So, I sent a letter to a site., in some ways. It was the truest thing ever for me to say, because I usually tend to alter information alot, and involuntarily.

So i came across your site, feeling all down and stuff. Having problems as to being able to fully accept myself.
Firstly yes, I am gay. And i want to be myself fully, so I want to be a happy gay individual.
I hate the term lesbian though. it has a kind of "slutty" sound to the word, so i just use the word gay.
But it is really difficult.
I have friends who know, but I think that they too are struggling to understand me. They think that something is wrong with me and that I am frustrating to deal with. I have really confided in them to be my friends and at least respect me and support me, but if i am frustrating, when all I'm doing is trying to be happy....
Ok so I accept that for my age I am very childish, and before I was in love with one of my very close friends who thought she was bi, but is not.
We broke up and in between a 3 year period I guess we both were confused. I was confused about whether or not she liked me, even after we broke up, and she was confused...about herself I guess?
But it sorta hurts because before she claimed to love me so much, and at that time I had been unable to show her my love properly because i was having issues with myself, and then she got frustrated and we broke up, but it seemed that she kept falling in and out of love with me.

It was alot to deal with, but now we're cool.
She's not in love with me, she doesnt like me in that way, and I'm accepting that all we are are friends.

But that's not the problem.
The problem is that i feel low because of my being gay.
Inside, I am happy with myself, being gay is part of my identity, although sex is a touchy subject with me, i do not wish to be sexually intimate with another girl unless we are really close emotionally, and it "just happens", and well, definitely NOT with a man.
But my society, people, well most people, just do not accept, which is ok i guess, but I want to be treated with respect as this site has explained, and I am not getting that.

Also, i really do want to share myself with a girl, but she really has to know herself as well, and feel comfortable, and love me. Most girls who like me are interested in sex, and I become more or less an "experiment" for them. This is why i am single; i've only had 2 real girlfriends, and I've begun feeling for girls since i was 14-15. Although then, i didn't question it at all because it just seemed natural and i didnt even know anything about being gay.
I thought i was straight, even though all ive had were feelings for girls.

At 16-17 I became knowledgeable of it, and began to accept myself for being that way, with no intention to change.

But sometimes I hate myself too and say maybe if i were straight i wouldnt have these problems.

People say that i look like someone who has it all covered, when they have no idea of my pain.

Some of my close friends i feel see me as a case or that something is wrong with me, though they are still nice to me (they were a bit mean before, but they try now and i appreciate it, because it really isn't fair, but they werent mean to me because I am gay, but for other reason, like maybe how I'm so soft-spoken, or really nice, or just childish, basically because i am way different to people here (I am an immigrant in the country i live in currently and this is where I fully realized my orientation))

It's like I have a very compartmentalized life, in which to different groups of people, i am somewhat a different person, and the only people i feel fully me towards are my very best friends who live in the country I left, I miss them.

Generally all I want is support, and to feel happy. I just wanted to let it out. Thank you.
If you can help in anyway, well, I'd love that.^^

Maybe I should add that before I wasnt very familiar with guys, in fact my father hated me being around them. Thats another story altogether, but nowadays I am mostly comfortable around guys, My closest friend is a boy, who liked me before. I've another very close guy friend.

I've nothing against guys really, I recognize the good and bad. Trying to really romantically like a guy never worked out for me, and when i realized I had been just trying to make other people happy, I quit that, because it wasnt what I really wanted, and I dont want anyone's feelings to be hurt.

I am also androgynous in appearance, and like to dress as a guy sometimes, though I get negative feedback from people so I feel ashamed, but I wish I was a man, so that my feelings wont be so "weird".

I feel as if I should have been a guy, but I already accept that I am a girl, and very much identify with the term "soft butch/ stud" though that stereotype is far fetched, because I have very masculine qualities, but then again, i am still definitely a girl.

But yep, that's generally the main story.

^^ I felt much better after.

Friday, May 7, 2010

That's a nice way of saying it....artistically....

Sonnet XLIII, from the Portuguese.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning - 1806-1861

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

I curse the day.....

Can I really still look into her eyes and tell her that I love her?

Yes, unfortunately.
But I won't.

I think I've been on a borderline of limerance and unconditional love.
Nothing ever seems to disgust me about her, even when she disgusts me, its by some stuff she may do or say, and not her as a person at all.

I dunno.

I have already come to terms with the fact that we will never ever be.
And it doesn't bother me now.
I'm actually glad.

Everytime my mind tends to be like asking if it could be, I'd be like, oh no....dont even go there.

But we are friends. And I'm glad for that too.

So I can't love her as a lover, and I dont care to either.

But as a friend I will, I mean, I still do love her, a lot. Too much maybe.

Just what makes her so deserving.
I come too deep with this shit.

What's my idea of love?
Well, I, as a gay individual, strangely, as the world would say, have no desire for sex. I do come off by watching les porn when I do.
And....I get excited by rough, almost even fighting encounters.
And I just love to see girls submit, it's hot.
I dont give a shit for the men....only that i wish I was them. Yeah, I watch the straight ones as well. When I do. Meh.

But for me myself, I dont really wanna have sex.
It's just not, a priority at all.

I could be in a relationship without sex at all.......
But duh, there must be some kind of physical making out and stuff.
And groping a girl playfully is always fun.

I may even cause a girl to feel sexy and want to have sex, and we may make out intensely...but I dont wanna strip her.

The intimacy is what keeps me going.
Everything, until the point that the girl wants to go down on me, is fine.

Why am I talking about this?
Because everywhere I go, and every girl I meet who's interested in me, wants that.
They want to have sex! Without even knowing me yet.
Do you know how much of those innuendos I must face and the comments I hear?
I feel raped by eyes alone.

And I always laugh to myself when this stuff happens, cuz, tho its a cool feeling to know that youre wanted and desired, even by people of your own gender, and its just seems to occur naturally and in a space of at least a month, its funny cuz I dont ever wanna deal with them.

To them I'm always that person they can never reach.

I rarely do ever fall in love, i'm infatuated alot.

But I like girls with a certain character.
The quiet and shy, the cute, the humble, with a drive for doing daring things and having fun and being outspoken at the same time, thats what I like.

There aren't many girls like that, here.
Or if they're here, not any gay ones.

I am gay, not due to the want of having sex with a girl, no.
Though I am not fully opposed to the thought, it's only with certain conditions.

Yes, I do take that stuff way too seriously for a teen.
But whatever.

Why am I attracted to girls?
I'm not sure, I just am.

Lol, honestly for me to be in love with a guy, he'd have to be gay, lol.

You get me? Not really? Well...
Gay guys can be effeminate.
When overly so, I'm disgusted.
Same with girls, if they are too masculine, then they are too much of a boy for me.

But, the thing I love about girls, are their simple gentleness.
It's just normal for them.
I'm dazzled by grace, and stumped silly if they are artistic in any way.

I'm particularly more dazzled by girls who are shorter than me, tho, because somehow I feel like I can always be the one she would look up to, and I can be the one who can be strong for her, and I'll always love looking down into her eyes.
But she doesnt have to be shorter than me.

I would gladly wrap my arms around her and show her my love anyway.

With effeminate guys, they have the same gentleness, somewhat.
Some can be really sweet and shy.

It's not the gender that determines who I tend to like, it's the person's mannerisms.
So if there was a guy who was alot like a girl in that sense, then I would love him lol.

My idea of love is one that is very hard to explain, but I can try.

This type, leads to the conclusion that I would die for her, just so that she can live.
I will support her in any way I can.
And I will protect her.

Even if I cannot really physically protect anyone, and may be a wimp, I will still embarrass myself and get beaten to a pulp and still try to protect her.

Even tho my life is busy, I will still have time set for her.
Jeez......i'm still not reaching my quota of really explaining love to you, in may be able to show in a picture.

But I can surely say that it's very different from what most ppl call love, and sex, is only an option, and not a must at all.

However, I lack confidence.
And can be a bit unsure of things.
I tend to second guess things.

That's why after my 4th encounter with love, I decided to lay back, relax, and fully come out.

Like come out, and show my world, "Hey, I'm me, and I'm.... " so and so.
Because I always felt like I was hiding stuff about me, that I was afraid of showing.

And they are not even bad stuff, they are actually good.

But i believe I have a slight fear of "truly being out of the norm", which I already am, but I always tend to want to do things that will "stand out", even positively, and I have a tendency to not want to stand out at all.
So I stop myself.
And that always messes things up for me and my partner, the worst occurred with my 1st.

I was soooo bottled up and afraid.

But I'm coming out a bit more everyday, and until I feel as if I can be my all freely with my girlfriend then I just wont bother getting one until I do.

That's all really.