Monday, April 26, 2010

...oh! And these too...


I can relate to that....except that I DO NOT LIKE GUYS AT ALL IN THAT WAY.
Oh....and I DO NOT CRUSH ON MY FRIENDS....more or less.

But some stuff apply.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


I've been having issues.
Gay issues.
Because I'm gay.
Had some problems accepting myself in society.
The pressure; I've hated myself for being gay.

My friends would probably never really understand, and I sense that this has become an uncomfortable subject for them.

If so....when I do find a new I introduce them?

I must commend Abigail though.
She is very supportive; I can actually be my gay self around her and it'll be fine, though she might freak out at some statements, but it's generally ok.

If I'm sad due to some gay-based thing, she automatically thinks I've been being bashed for it (I was a little before) and wants to give them a piece of her mind.
I always have to come in and say, "no, it's not that.". :)

Online we could talk about it.
I must say, she has been there for me, much more than before. Cuz before she was mean!
I'm glad for that.

So, that's Abi. Now for Cher and Laura.

They are 2 more that make up my important inner circle.

I treasure them as friends dearly.
They also have been there for me...

However, approaching the gay-subject I do not feel very comfortable talking about that.
I did once deeply, and I dont think I'll do it again. That was a long time ago though.

They were very supportive, and I'm happy for that. A lot.
However, I know of the aftermath.

I know what they thought of it.

They thought my head was fucked up, also that dealing with me was frustrating.
And they kept referring sex to it.

They decided to let it go and not tap on the matter anymore.

Well good.
But it hurt to know that they thought something was wrong with me.
I'm sure Abi thinks it too, at least a little bit.

But then, should I expect any different?

Even my pals can't fully accept me for being gay, so how about the world?
No chance.

They have no idea of exactly what this is like for me.
I actually hated myself for being gay once.

I'm doing ALOT of soul-searching nowadays, and God really is my closest friend.
In that I talk to him about it a lot, and feel good.
I wanna lead at least a partially religious life.

Of course if i mention that it may, i dunno.

They don't seem to like to talk about religious things.

I just wish as my pals they could, maybe do some research or maybe ask me to find something that could explain it better to them.
I would gladly refer to some sites.

But then, I shouldn't expect them to care so much to the point that they should go out of their way to really figure it out, cuz in the end that's for me to do, not them.

But, i dunno.

Every time I see them, I feel a pain inside.
Not too sure why, but then again i can guess.

The pain for Cher, and the pain for Laura are different, and yet the same.

Go figure.

But I dont like to talk deeply about myself anymore, because a gay-thing will come up (duh! I am GAY!) and they might feel weird.

So, that's why, I feel a barrier as to how much of myself I can share to them.

And it hurts.


Another thing that hinders my ability to fully accept myself in society, for being gay.

I dont want to hide anything from them, so maybe I'll send them a link to this, I dunno.

They are my friends, so maybe I should.

At least they'll know sorta what going on with me.

At friends.^^

And without them feeling... awkward or anything.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I've burnt it all..

The memories are gone.
all the notes.
The past messages.
Burnt to the ground.

took two hours too.

I feel better.
There is no history.

I got rid of them all.

Would love to forget...


I dont wanna remember.
How much.

I loved her.

Well I can say that I dont anymore.
She's just a friend.
And that's all she'll be.

I feel lifted....sorta.
Because the answer I'd been looking for has finally hit me.
I can now say for sure, that the truth is, she doesnt love me.
I always knew that my feelings were unrequited.
I just needed to hear it, myself.

So now that those feelings are being diminished and killed, I can finally focus on other things...I always do but, that was always an extra.

Right now, there is a very heavy feeling inside me, but I refuse to cry, because, what would be the worth.

It would be a waste to cry, over anyone.

But i can still laugh, enjoy myself, hang out with my boys, and my girls.
I'm still gonna have to deal with girls who like me.

I was searching for real...that thing that begins with L.

I will find it.

But not here.
Not now.
Not ever whilst I'm here.

There is nothing like that here for me.

And its fine.

I just wanna go away.
To home.
With my appointed family.
with DJ and AJ and everyone.

That's what I want now.

Otherwise. I'm fine.
And I wont shed a tear.
Just work towards forgetting.

And still continue to pursue my dreams.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I actually expected this...sorta.

I am emotionally unaffected at least.

Though some things from Abi came out a bit wrongly, at least the fact that I loved her, was true.
And i DID tell her that.

But I never acted on it.

I always kept a platonic profile when around her.
Just cuz I ALWAYS had a dual mind towards her.

I played it safe. I said that I'd keep it 2 myself, and figure it out on my own, involving no one.

Abi, who is one of my real close pals, apparently was super curious about me.
So i ended up telling her how I felt, in confidence.

I did tell her once that I dont like to talk about that, but only in confidence.

But she thought that everyone else knew, I believe.

Then, she has a very low view of Laura, for some reason.
And I guess since I liked her, made things a bit worse.

Abi and Laura perhaps have a "beef" to settle.
I have no idea about it, but Abi really thinks Laura has been manipulating me and stuff.

I always stand against it.

But she never listens to me.

It was because of that too, that caused this outburst.

If she had only stayed quiet, no one else would have known.

But then, out of every bad, come a good.
And she did warn me.


I can handle just being friends with Laura. I wanted to clear things in my head on my own, but still.
Its ok.

My feelings for her...will die.

Friendship will live on tho, for me.

For her, well i dont know.

This is why I always normally keep things to myself.

I normally always settle things out scotch free.

Now....there's this mess.

I'm assuming I'd have to disappear for a week onwards.

I have no response....

To your "Fuck you".

Nothing to say about that at all.

It's not like I didnt let it be known to you that I loved you.
Or perhaps you forgot.

No matter.
It doesnt matter anymore.

So I thought something was what it wasnt.

And thats ok.

I'm not swayed, no emotion.

I'm just, there.

Still normal, i dont care really.
However, I did explain to u.
I talked to u online.

You know what? These are what confused me...let me help u with that if u ever come across this.

You looked for evidence.
Well... here it is.


# BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby alphalavie is freakin awesome. lol....but im not white and short. lol...wasn't at the pc when u posted that one 6:53 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby lol. but we are you and me silly. lol 6:50 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby lol..ur not pale enough!! lol..pick another. lol 6:00 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby erm....lets use a reference i know about....lolz!!! 5:41 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby like omJ i L-O-V-E U toooo :D 5:33 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby do you feel loved now ...cause you are 5:07 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to MZJackoby

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# Lauralee Lawrence BoBXKashi

@MZJackoby i care...FEEL LOVED WOMAN! lol

From the last tweet up, these were the ones that confused me. doesnt matter anymore.

Think as to why I never acted upon it.

Here is my proof of me sayin it directly to you. maybe u were just kiddin, but I was serious.

# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi definitely, so lets. *take out my hand...which is dry now, btw <3* 2:47 PM Mar 30th via TweetDeck in reply to BoBXKashi

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# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi lol, ok here's the best one: like you and me then. :) Let's get together now. ^^ 2:40 PM Mar 30th via TweetDeck in reply to BoBXKashi

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# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi like Alpha and Lavie... but ur not white, lol! But Alpha is black so yeah! =D 2:02 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi

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# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi Come with me. I'll give u a true experience you wont forget. That aint just words BTW! =D ;) 1:59 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi

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# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi har har, lol.then ur Bella and I'm Edward.I wanna be with u. Sure I'm not vampire or male hottie but yeah.I need u.Just like him.

# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi let's say I'm Nick. Will u be my Norah, Laura? lolz :) 1:39 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi

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# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi let me ask u this then.... 1:39 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi

* Reply

# Sade McLeod MZJackoby

@BoBXKashi hehe, just so u no 4 sure: I love u Laura. 1:31 PM Mar 30th via web in reply to BoBXKashi


There you go.

Bash me if you want.
Hate me, forget, it doesnt matter.

But, these were direct tweets....i never took the random ones seriuosly.



That, is all i have to say.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

It hurts....faintly...and immensely...

It shouldnt right?
But yeah, i hurt a little.

Jeez...maybe it's that I love you too much.
Maybe the co-dependency shifted more to my side...

Maybe I need you too much.

Or maybe not.

It's not like I need you like I can do without your presence at all.
Because I'm not always around.

Plus, we kinda get on each others nerves at it's not like we dont need our space sometimes and stuff.


Laura, I kinda miss you.
At least maybe a little.

I miss those nice words.
I miss those times when u say you love me.

I miss the support you had for me in high school.

It seems faded now.

I miss your smile, and I miss having you in my matter how rare that was.

I know I'm not very affectionate, but I come out of that when it comes to you cuz I wanna be close to you.
I wanna show you my love, I want to love you and I do!

It's something I really want man!

I always used to be against dependency on a whole and was always the type of person to say "I dont need anyone, I could do this on my own/ go through this on my own/ I dont need anyone at all/whats the point of love? it only makes ppl stupid..."

But what a change that occurred.... i fell onto love's mercy b4 I came here, but after meeting you, I became it's captive.

Of the very same thing I claimed to hate for so long before...

But I'm not a beggar.

No, I will not go below my level and beg for anyone.

Admittedly, an ego inside of me is part of the cause.

Sometimes, I'm not quite sure of you.
You say you love me, but then I dont feel it sometimes.

Sometimes from you I get a cold feeling.

Or sometimes I feel as if you love me... yet maybe not as much as I do....

I will risk my life for you, I will bear your wounds...

I will do alot for you.....except kill.
Naw no killing...or stealing, no I wont steal for you either lol.

But really.

I know you want a boyfriend...
To support you and love you and care for you....
To raise a family and so forth...

I always have a heavy feeling inside me because I am not a boy... and ever since I started dating, found out the hard way that no matter who says they love me and want me, the man will always take precedence.

In the end when the man comes around, I dont matter anymore.

Either that or I find myself always at a second rate... I almost always get screwed over.

People tell me I will never find someone to love me the right way here.... because the girls just wanna experiment, or they just think I'm hot and wanna be with me, just for the thrill.

I always love them....and I am choosy no hell, so I'm very particular about a girl I like.


It was such a waste going out with those girls.

The realest thing I've ever felt was with you, Laura.

So...sometimes I think the main barrier between us is the fact that I am a girl...maybe mainly.

But thats sometimes.

I dont wanna be hurt again.

I dont wanna fall with no one to at least offer me a hand...tho I am quite capable of helping myself.

I dunno where I'm goin with this....nor do I know how pathetic I probably sound.

Especially since you probably wont see this.

But even after so long, I can honestly say I love you.

And perhaps...that is exactly where I feel.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

A single kind word from u, makes me smile

And you don't know that, do u?

You know that I love you.

However, I will not rush myself upon you.
Look at me, I am but a girl.

I'm always there, for you... even when u dont know it.

But i know that you search for love, in a fella's arms.
As in a man.

Not a woman.
Not a girl.

Not me.

You know it's there for you, so its not for you to search.

I've shown u in many ways how much I love you.

I am waiting for you to embrace that, but, only if you want to.

Being the person u are, I will not crowd you, the world is yours to explore, and potential lovers are there for you to find.

I know, that although u say, it doesnt matter who you love, and that gender doesnt matter, somewhere inside you, somewhere, it still does matter.

It naturally occurs to you to love a man. That's what we've all been taught.

It doesnt occur to me, but that's me, not you.

Lauralee I will always have love for you.

But above all, I want you to be happy.
And if that takes a guy coming along and you end up falling for him, then, so be it.


Hate being a girl sometimes.....


Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and say,

Why was I made in this design?

Sometimes I feel sick of myself.
Everything about me feels wrong.

I would feel much more comfortable with myself if I were a boy.
I'd be more accepted.
Less ridiculed.
Things about me wouldnt come off as being so weird.

I've noticed that i try to alter my personality so that others would just leave me alone.
I act as if I dont care.
Sarcastic at times.

And other things.

Basically, sometimes I try to act more like other ppl, and less like myself, so that I could generally be accepted and all the focus wont be on me and/or what I do or say.

But they are all attempts to gain some sort of respect from ppl.
More my friends than anyone else.

Because I always feel attacked at times.
Something I do or say, and they always have something to say.

I feel that sometimes I just send something in them that makes them say something to bring me down... or if not so, just something negative.


It's getting to me.
Am I really that badly off still??

And then lauralee says she sees right thru me.

Yeah u do Laura, but not everything.
You literally have no idea of the half of it.

Sometimes, I feel that whilst I look up to them, they look down at me.

And the annoying thing is that people outside of my circle see me as something worth putting faith into, but my close friends dont.

I feel like I have to 'prove' myself to them.

And frankly I'm tired of it.

Also, when I feel down, I feel as if NO ONE should know.
Especially Lauralee.
She tends to make me feel worse at times, because tho she cares, eventually she gets fed up and says that she doesnt.

Or sometimes she just asks too many questions.

She questions my sexuality, always asking why this, and why that.
I know she is concerned, but I know myself, and when I say 'it just is', she says that its bullshit basically.

Like me she cannot simply accept an answer like that, and wants to understand.
But if i was in her position, I wont just say that. I'd at least try to accept that.

And there are times when I want to cry. And be held at least some.

I always stand alone and bear my pain by myself.

I always try to be strong, but I'm actually very fragile at times.
People think I'm such an iron.
Boys are intimidated by me, and I by them.
(Note that these are not my close pals...or at least not my really close ones, cuz some close ones fall here as well.)

They never see my weaknesses.

My really close pals, never seem to see my strengths.
That is how I feel, I could be wrong.

Sometimes, when a friend catches me in a downed state, i feel bad.
Because, as much as I want support, I hate to cry, especially in another's presence.

I would try to evade a girl's gestures and caring, but eventually I may break down right there.

However in front of a guy.... no way.
I feel more ashamed about crying in a guys presence.

He may care, wanna hug me, and I am a girl, so naturally thats ok...
But I'm not a typical girl.... not a normal girl...I dont even wanna be a girl.

I simply dont feel like one inside.

And so with my brothers I tend to act rough and say nothing's wrong.

Basically, all I wanted to let out is....

I just wish ppl would accept me, and stop asking so many questions that I cant even answer.
I wish they would stop looking down at me as a hopeless case.
I wish they could have more positive things to say about me, rather than constantly pointing out the dumb things about me.
I wish I could have someone who would not get so annoyed with me when I am sad.

Basically, I want it to be how it was in Trinidad... there, I was something of a crazy legend. Strange, but definitely respected and adored. (in high school)

Here, I'm.... just someone who constantly gets picked on by ppl, and feels criticized by friends.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Fighting... for this love I trust is definitely real....

It's been a while since I updated.
Recently, I've been on a high... with the knowledge that she feels similar.

It's an awesome feeling... and I'm happy.... yet....

People have been bashing.
Friends of us both have been telling me not to bother with her.
How all I'm doing is putting myself thru stress.
Others warn me of being hurt later on.
More say that they are ashamed of me, still being around after a year.

I don't like to talk about her much to them when they ask, cuz they always have something of that sort to say.

It's not like I'm a hopeless lover, who's "dissatisfied with how things ended before and wanna make this right bcuz of that".


I'm not like that.

I've always been around... because I didnt lie when I said those 3 words to her.
I honestly love her... maybe a bit too much for a 19yr old.

I'm still young, and we defo cannot be together "forever".

I dont believe in forever.

But, I believe in "now", and "always been" and "always will be".

I know.

I've fallen in love with my last girlfriend... and I couldve sworn that she loved me too.

I was still having feelings for Laura, but I loved her (Mahelia) and now I dont even want to remember why, tho I do.

I respected our love, but she didnt, and she turned out to be... something I wont say.

Every time we meet, I feel resentment, but I still say hi.
She used me. badly and she didnt even care about my feelings.
That is why I left her, in a kind manner, i said I'll always care... but yeah.

Even I could say she doesnt deserve it.

But loving Laura is not a rebound. It's always been true.

So I will fight for our love. I will take the blows of everyone and stay strong.
For us both.

I know our pals only want good for me... and dont want to see me hurt.

But I wont be.

They say too: Oh even if it works out 4 a while, she still going to check man, and leave you behind.

Honestly, the thought is not foreign, i've thought it as well.

But I wont entertain it, because I trust her, and for her to tell me she loves me herself, that means something.




I'm not a hopeless and sad "masochist".

I'm just someone who just happened to really love this girl.
I would even support her if she finds a boyfriend who really loves her, and well... might leave them alone in their happiness...because two lovers makes no sense to me.

People may call me stupid... but I'm sorry.
I'm strong.

I've went thru it all.
And will continue to do so.

So, leave me alone, kindly.

I love her and that's a fact i cannot change, not because I dont want to, I have tried, but because I cannot...and I know myself enough to tell.