......

...
I felt a bit insulted.
She said I don't know what love is.
Ok... maybe I don't really know.... but i know what it feels like.
It's a strong feeling that exists in a multitude of degrees.
I've felt it in a multitude of degrees.
But here's the strongest.

Have you ever felt, that somehow, deep inside, you're being controlled?
Like a compulsive hijack.... something just taking you over, and giving you impulses that you've never had before?

Have you ever wished, that the person who caused you these feelings inside felt the same way as you... attached, longing, needing just your presence just as much as you needed him/her?

When it sometimes seems that they don't, do you feel a wierd hatred, for many reasons, but the foremost being simply the fact that you love this person... that they are the reason who do the things you once regarded as stupid, pathetic or just senseless?

Have you always had to tell yourself, "ok, it's over, she/he's not there anymore, forget them" in that sense, and no matter how hard you try to distract yourself.... once you're alone... especially if you like to just stay in secluded areas like myself and be an intellectual, he/she is the first thing that comes to mind, especially when they are the last thing you want to think about at the time?

Have you ever found yourself, talking to yourself, and pretending that they are right there beside you, and you're telling her all the things that you hate about her, and then all the things that you love in the same breath? Or if you see that she's having a bad day, and she pushes you away, you place yourself in isolation and compose a song on your guitar about that, that you know that she'd never hear?
Or if you know that she's mad at you and you don't know why but act as if it's not bothering you, yet you find yourself crying over that like a pathetic little shit, wasted tears flowing mostly on your guitar cuz most times then you have it... and then when you're tired you wash your face and meet your friends with that goofy demeanor you've put on?

Or when you see her in a distance you long to be able to hug her or kiss her, just smother her with your affection, but you won't because you know that you shouldn't, but then you doubt that because she just confuses you?

And when you're all frustrated in your mind you keep saying, "*her name*, I hate you" but as soon as you happen to cross paths you forget all about it and is just happy to see her?

What is that?
Sure, you can be like that toward a friend.
But the person I am.... not me.
I'm never attached to just a friend; sure we may be real close, but they don't invade my mind.
They don't invoke strong feelings within me.
I've been disappointed by many pals, but never for more than a day... because it just doesn't matter.

And i've not too much affection for people, if they're my friend then a simple hug may suffice as a sign... but is definately not necessary. Not much in favour in showing affection normally.

But with her it's different.
It's not just affection I want to show.
She's the 1st thing on my mind at day, and sometimes the last at night.

I dunno what that may be to her... this is not just "an association of feelings" for me.

And then she wonders why I like girls. If it's easier or something for me.
Dude! Did that piss me off!
It just happened that I fall for girls, I didn't choose girls.
I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE THIS WAY!
I know full well that it's harder, cuz girls are complicated. Plus how gay life is in this world today, with hatred and stuff to deal with, i would no that it's not f-ing easy.
It's not better 4 me to love a girl, It'll be better if I love a guy, I know!
But that doesn't matter to me. I don't care.
If I really loved a guy, maybe I would've gone 4 it. It'd be wierd 4 me, but if it's true like I know love to be, then i'd do it.
But that didn't happen yet.
My God! She did hit a nerve there.
I said nothing when she told me that because I knew it may lead to arguement, i would've argued.
So i kept it shut.

Jeez... she pisses me off.

Why can't she just figgin' accept that what I've felt was real love?!

She doubts my orientation... hey I get confused myself.

But what I'm sure of is that who I've been with... I've truly loved.
And so far, just two girls.

I've been in quite a few unofficial relationships too that i almost never speak of.
I'm a flirt, but as hinted as the world, "unofficial", you can tell that it wasn't that serious.

I don't consider those relationships.

But like she said, I'm not gonna prove ntn to her.
I've nothing to prove.
Why put myself through that? It's not worth it.
I know myself.

It's a good thing she told though. Now I know the truth.
But...


I wish she won't question me so much and just know that I love her.

But she doesn't feel so strongly for me... which is why I say nothing at all.