Life's a rush! And yet, so slow...

((That last entry's been named inappropriately, but too lazy to change it...))

1.
Yep, things are always happening.

I meet alot of new people, and every once in a while, there's a girl who's bi who likes me at least a little.

I glad that I'm interesting to them; I appreciate it.
I talk to them, we exchange numbers,(or I just give mine) and yeah.
I'm always polite.
And I may flirt a little.

But it happens so often now....
And sometimes I'm like:
"Oh jeez, where are they coming from all of a sudden?"

2.
I love Lauralee like I dunno how to explain.
But I cannot just rush and be all lovey-ish or whatever you call it cuz.... she may be freaked out. It has happened before.
It's not like I'm being cautious, no, I am perusing her, but not quite obviously, not so quickly.
For these things to happen in a good way, progression is needed.
I wanna progress, and not just jump.

Also...imagine if she doesn't wanna be with me? If that were the case, if I just jump in and be all "I love you" and stuff, what do you expect?
Her avoiding you.

It's a normal thing for anyone; a normal thing I DONT want to reoccur.

Then too, i think she's sorta questioning....maybe...if she is considering the thought of being with me.
She mentioned it once;
"Naturally, I believe a girl should be with a guy. I mean if you are gay I respect you, but I don't think that you are "gay", like truly, not really."

I dont wanna rush her, I wanna let her do whatever she wants. I'm doing whatever I want; I love her.

And thats something I can barely help.

Then again, she undoubtedly likes guys. She's a normal girl, more or less.
I don't like guys at all.

Now, if she is with me, there WILL be a guy coming in and out at the same time, I mean come on, do I really think she would want to spent a relationship with me alone?

I don't think so. Although I'd like to think she would, she won't because that has happened before....twice.

It's cuz, like it or not, i am a girl.

As a girl, I lack some important qualities a guy would normally possess.
It's that simple.
It took me a fleching year to get that into my head, as much as I want, I'm not a guy. Point blank.

I would really love to love someone who would be mine alone.
But here, that just would not happen.

It never did.
With my 2nd, it didn't, though I thought otherwise at first.

With a girl I was interested in after, it wasn't.

With a girl who's interested in me nowadays, i know it wouldn't. She made it clear without me even having to ask, without me even being interested.

So, what chance do I have here in Dominica?
I'll tell you, none at all.


However....I love her so much that it sorta doesnt matter.
Maybe she will love me back as much.
I won't stop her from checking guys and stuff.

But then, sometimes I wish I was a guy, so I wouldn't have to deal with that at all.

3.
My life is mucho busy.
I still feel a lil lazy, but its cool.
I like being busy.

I don't act like such an overt freak these days.

There's just too much to mention when it come to this so, lol.
Maybe another time.


But that's that.

Down,but not enough to cry...*Update*

I'm a little downish.
Not to sure as to why.

There's so many things happening now.
From everywhere, a new girl announces her interest.

Older, younger, no matter.
But I'm in love already.
Is that wrong?

Jeez, I dont know.
One minute i think I have a chance with her, the next I feel like I'm pushing my luck.

The thing is I don't want her to get tired of me again.
So that's why I keep at least a little distance.

Today, she told me that my "bro" told her about her classmate who likes me.
She asked why didn't I tell her.
I was like, I've only seen her once.
Then I made a silly comment on purpose; "She probably forgot".

It sorta seemed as if she was encouraging me underhandedly to go on with her?
I dunno.

I dunno if she knows that she's the one I've fallen for.
Sigh....

For two days I had the idea that maybe she likes me again.
Now, I'm back at the thought that I have to keep that in a little longer.

It hurts.
But i'm willing to wait for as long as it takes....
What a fool I must be.

But perhaps she has feelings for me.

How do I get from this stage to the next?

Thae last thing I want to do is to make an unwanted move.
I mean, we're cool as friends. But somehow, I want more than that.

And that's a risky transistion. So I'm taking my time, and still ready to advance anytime.

Also, today I was feeling jerkish.
For something little though.
I was feeling a little bad because I really get a little mad at myself if i make her even a little upset. But I didn't feel bad for long anyway.



Soon, we will be together.
I wanted to be with her by the end of four days.
I may have to extend that.

But.... my hopes are still not shattered.

I feel kinda down...

And I'm not sure why.

Heh, well for two days I was involved in some JedWard things.

It was the best two days yet.
Another way to relate to laura, i said to myself.

But then she gets possessive.
Which is ok, I'm used to it.
I wasn't hurt.

But things just got boring again.

Oh jeez, I wanna get closer to her.

But I don't wanna be too rushed, I cant be.

I want her to love me too.

One of her tweets suggested that she did; someone comes into your life and half of you says you're no where near ready, but the other half says make her yours forever...make me yours.

Normally, that'd be directed at a guy.... but then I saw... "her".

I was so happy, thinking that it's me.

I'm sure it was.^^

-------

I feel sorta bad.

I feel like I totally killed her fanbase thing.

I killed it.

Grrr....

My gosh...

O well.
She'll get over it soon and start the bubbly fanbase-in thing again.

And i won't interfere.

But then other things got to me.

And those where the things that led to my pep leaving me.

So now I'm like I hope I feel all happy again.

Sigh....

At least my blog spells it out.

Reasons?

When I first saw you, you were just another girl.
When we became friends, first thought was, she's so nice and bubbly. I like her.
As we became closer, I knew you a little more.
I felt for you more.
I grew to love you.
Took me a while to do so properly.

Three years later (about)...

I still love you.
Your hair too, lol.

But I love YOU.
You're beautiful and smart, and you need someone there to tell you that every now and again.
You have your faults, but I have mine too, and I love you for them as well.
Yes I love you.

I do whether it's wrong or right.
Even when you hurt me inside I could never say 'I hate you' and mean it.

I love you.

Love is easier proclaimed than meant.

But this is not just proclamation, but a realization.

Are we really a destined pair?
"We are a pair,", is that really true?
We must be.

Lauralee, I love you.
I've been around, but why have meaningless affairs with a random girl when you already and always have had my heart?

I singled myself for you even when I was so sure you didn't care.

But now...

I know you love me too.

Why do I love you, you asked me.

I love you, because you are who you are, you.
That bubbly, happy, sweet, and the emotional, the sometimes mean, and the one who tends to jump to conclusions.

I love you.
I have handled your faults.
People may get pissed off at you for them, and it hurts me sometimes too.
But I always say, "It's a part of her I accept because it's a part of her."

It's not hard for me to say that we really are a pair, and that I love you to death.

I... Laura.... Find the truth in me, dear seeker of truth...

That you could see.
I love you.
Lauralee, I love you.
But for now, I wont tell you.
I want you to love me too.
And like a fool I will wait until you do.
It's been a year of progression.
We changed for the better.
I found a way to control the weirdness.
I'm comfortable with myself.
I'm gay.
Yes Laura, I still am.
Whether you believe it or not; I'm more gay than I am straight.
And I'm just me.

I fell for you.

I don't want you to avoid me so I won't tell you.

But you are beautiful.
As a person.
As you are, all the good and bad, the rational and the irrational, the generous and the mean.

I love you unconditionally.

You insulted me.
You said I didn't know what love is.
You said that i'm referring to feelings and associating them with love.

How dare you question what I know?

True, I'm no expert.
But I know how I feel.
i know myself.
And I know I love you.
I love you goddamnit!

I will shout the truth until you believe.
Without uttering a word.

I want you to see.
Someday, I pray that you'd love me again.

You may not even be bi.
But Laura, you stole my heart and I don't want it back.
You said it's all about personality.

I love you for yours.

No begging here. But I still pray to have you in my arms and to make you happy.

How many people do you know cares for you, even after two years and more, and can defiantly say, that they care for you? Other than your parents.

Oh dear seeker of truth, find the truth in me.

When you really love someone...

When it's not just a word,
When it's what you feel,
When it's what you know.

When it's something you didn't expect
What you didn't want, because of certain
Events that ceased to matter
Those things became dim.

When it's due to someone's very person
Just them, and fully them
Not just the parts of her you love
No, just her, it's all her.

You know her faults, you know her well
She knows you well, but not it all
Your lack of trust, brought up that fall
Long time now up, but still in love.

No need to prove, you know you love
No matter what
You know you love
And now the chance
Is all you need
But you won't show
But wait and see.

Not simply just
Associations
Of feelings
That "feel like it's love"

You know it's hardcore
It took over you
You know it's true
It took over you
But you won't tell
Her how you feel
But wait and see
If she might feel.

This risk you take
After that aftertaste
And sure possibility
Of hurt to take place

But you live on
With stupid hope
And pray to God
That this might work.

Longing

How I long for something.
How I long for someone.
I long for happiness.
You're the one I long for.
Once more.
And again.


I was reading some pieces and watching some pictures submitted by a girl on deviantart, in one of my groups. Dedicated to the LGBT community.

And she's so happy with her girlfriend.
And they are just such a lovely couple.

I asked myself, "Why couldn't I be like her?"
"I wanna be just like her.
And she had a story like mine.
Had a girlfriend, they fell out, and then, the second chance."

I wonder when will ours come, if it does.

I close my eyes and she's there.

Lauralee.

Her name is lovely y'know.

She is beautiful.

But I keep all my thoughts to myself.

I long for the day when we give in to love.

For now, I'll just hope and pray.

Presently, these days...

I feel more mature.
Now i have a job, a good one too.
I really appreciate it, and I'm playing the part; a somewhat mature-ish 18yr old who stumbled unto the cooperate world.

Not a very nice place by the way.

It's kinda hard.
These days my energy level has dropped severely.

I feel tired all the time.

So now I've changed my sleeping patterns... again.
I'd say so far it's going ok.

Now at school:

Sometimes I'm too tired to even show up at classes.
Hope that changes.

Almost everyday, other than going to classes, I meet up with my friends.
Most times it's Lauralee, Cheri-Ann, and Abigail in their group of 3, before I come along.

I always have a tendancy to want to playfully harass my "brother".

But towards lauralee and Abigail, though I'm still friendly, I try to give an impression that deserves some type of respect.

So I don't act goofy. Or overly playful. I'm always trying to "keep my composition".

That's because I made myself look stupid and these two were prone to being mean to me or just plain disrespecting me.

I didn't like it, so I made my resolution to not be as stupid as last year.

See where this comes in?

So these days I just act myself, without the goofiness. Not hard really.

I don't wanna look like a fool anymore.

But that's not all.

I am still in love with Lauralee in particular.
But because of past experiences with me showing affection and she giving me the cold shoulder, i just decided to keep it as my secret.

It hurts though; everytime I see her i'm being reminded of why I love her so much.
And it's not her clothes, or hairstyle or anything right in front of your face, no.

It's simply her as a person.

So it's even harder to be there subduing my feelings, its almost depressing.

My love feels unrequited and like she said it should just die.

So there I am hiding my feelings and acting like it doesnt affect me. What a pain.


She acts much nicer toward me. I dunno, maybe she's making a concerted effort.
But this is why I don't do anything "out of it" anymore; so that she won't have to try and just be nice to me.

Y'know, just normal.
Like she is toward everyone else.

Then I wish that someday she'd love me again.
You know, just have the same feelings that I do for her.

Somehow......

I tear up about it, but that's when I'm alone or when I'm walking home along the coastline.
It's my secret.



These days are hard, but I've been through harder.
I dunno I just wanna be happy.

I wanna be successful at work and not so tired.
I wanna actually get some A's in school.
I wanna be respected not just by some, no, by everyone.
I wanna announce my love for Laura and for her to be happy because she loves me too.
I wanna be able to greet her with kisses and just show her how loved she is by me and how true i've been with this from since ever.
I wanna give her myself and love her to the fullest; I mean, I know what i'm about now and I'm not such a noob anymore.
I wanna make her happy; jeez I "over-care" about that girl.

And I just want things to flow.

I pray to God for these things, yeah ALL of these things.
Yeah I even pray for Laura.
I tell him a million times how much I love her and how I dunno how i can stop, because I can't.

I love her, whether it's wrong, or right.

How unconditional is that?

And the worst thing is that I'm only 18.
Why do I have to fall for such strong love now?

People say she's just your first but that statement is false.

What am I to do?
My answer to that is to wait it out for now and live everyday as a new one.
And just see.

Patience is really a virtue.
I exercise it well now.

If she really doesn't want me anymore well I'm just gonna be the victim of love.
It will hurt and I'm all ready for it, but it will still hurt.
But much less now because I'm keeping a lil distance while I'm still around.

That's where the job came in.

I wish you knew...

I looked up at the sky, and I thought of you.
But naw, i wont tell you that, even though its true.

I doubt you'd even care.
Sure you'd freak out, but I must accept.

For you, liking me as a girl was just a phase.

My God, how much hurt my heart has gone through?
Why is it still beating, why still for you?

My heart like yours, could've died and be concealed.
But I let all my feelings out, I mean come on, this is how I feel.

And I still love you, but to you these words I cannot tell.
Because I said it too much, did you believe; this is where we fell.

I wanna shout at you and tell you this is how I feel.
How this is not just an association of feelings that I tend to feel.

I am very pro-choice but this i didn't choose.
Cuz if i did I couldve gone so far away and still not lose.

But sitting watching sunsets while rapid thoughts go through my head,
And involuntary tears fall down, and they take their stead.

Sometimes I even wish that somehow I were dead,
But living hiding feelings for you is better than that compared.

Maybe you'd always say that there's no opportunity
I will always be right here... even though you'd never love me.

Infatuation? Or love?

I know what infatuation is.
I've known that before love.
Infatuation is just real common these days.

My friend Mint (that the name he goes by) says that he doesn't wanna fall in love; would rather be infatuated because at least there is an end.

I totally understand where he's coming from.

With infatuation, though feelings are involved and such, there is an end to them as well.

Love?

Well that, is something else all together.

As for unrequited love?
My friend Lauralee (well she's actually the girl I love -.-) said that it should just die.

I know sorta what it's like to have your love unrequited.
Somewhat.

I could tell the difference.

(Mentioning all the relevant... )
I was infatuated with Miriam, the girl i first had feelings for.
I was interested in Sherell.

Ok, whatever, whats the point of mentioning names anyway?
Don't wanna spill too much beans.
Those two are just two from Trinidad.

Of course these things happened here too in Dominica, even more so.

But....
Love hurts.

With Laura, I hold all and I mean ALL the lovey stuff behind.
All the emotions are hidden.
The love has been subdued.

But I didn't mean to be distant.
She said that I was being that way.

I just didnt have anything to say. That is... in relevance to the topic.

And as for with love?
I wont say shit.
Not now.
I worked so hard to get it not to bother me, got a job to better myself and keep myself occupied, so that I wont just linger around her all the time so.... to got back and mess things up.

So there.

In most ways for me... infatuation feels better.

But love is what I treasure.
Yeah I know some people would be like "huh! her? she's against love" and whatnot if they ever heard me say this.

But its true.

I have, feel and want to show my love for Laura.
But for now?

Best I just keep quiet.

"The Hidden..."

All my feelings I express here are rarely or never shown.
These, are feelings found in the depths of my person.
I never demonstrate them, because they do not affect me enough to.
Nor do I want them to.

However, I do not keep my feelings inside.
This is how i let them out.

Most people talk it out.
Most people have friends who are willing to hear the real stuff; who actually have the patience.

But me? Though I have people like that around, its not very easy to express myself with these emotions.

I am more introvert.

So this is my method.

At school; I act myself. I'm not acting any role, who I am at school, is me in society.

And personally, to a point.

Among my friends, everything is alright.

Around her, everything is alright as well.
We're friends, so I do not entertain feelings toward her.

But that doesnt mean I ignore it.

But here, its a bit better to be secretive.

What can I say?

Life's there to live.
And so, I do.

"We are a pair"... no... we WERE.....

You remember that line?
"We are a pair"?
"I knew there was something about you"?

Nope.
Nah, you've forgotten.
But I never did.

Can't blame you for having fleeting memory.
But mine stays intact.
Especially if it's important to me.

I don't know.

Those words hit my heart and makes me wanna cry.
But I'm not normally "maco"....
Naw...

I dunno... you send the worst parts of me out.
And the best.

Why are you like that? Why do you affect me? Why does this have a wicked, selfish effect on me?

I could never forget you.

But you'd forget me.... sadly.