Love is Toxic...

"Love is toxic. It consumes, takes over and controls."

And that, is so true. It's my quote, btw.
I've been taken over by it for almost a yr, and persued it 4 about half of that.
I've got it in October, been captured by it for sure in May.
And life....has been really different.
Much more anticipated.
And....much more deep.
I've always been a deep person, so i got deeper.
Passion became a part of me.
All this, happened, due to one. The one.
And the funny thing is that I've avoided chances of this feel for as long as I can remember, and this is my 1st.

So, I guess my Emergance has begun...

'Sup?
Just me here, the usual, just feeling to express myself.^^
So, yep it's true.
I'm sick of hiding.
I just wanna be true to her in everyway.
And that's great.^^
Hmmmm....
I'm not gonna hide anything anymore.
She doesnt, so why should I?
So, i'm not.
It was a thing of a mental state, hiding is just gonna hinder me, not help me.
I've figured.
So, yeah.^^
Life....so strange.
But then, interesting too.
I cant tell where it's going, or where i'll end up.
It's scary in a sense, but real cool too.
I swear, i'm gonna write a novel on it all. My life. My POV.
I've started documenting already.^^
My Reminescences, my notes on the phone, the little notes that were passed, this blog, everything!
I've got a plan, but there's a twist to it.
It's real-life based, so i'll never know what happens next, until i pass the day.
The name's Dagger-Introvert's POV-September's Fallen and Risen.
But that's all I'll say.^^
It all started in September last year. ^^
So, yeah.
Basically, i'm bliss and curious.
What's gonna happen next? That's my question.
The answer'll be obtained when i do, whenevr that may be.
And so I'll go, with my quote:
'Viva La Vida!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Yeah.
And I'm out.

Should Just Keep It Shut....

Yep, that's right.
I should just keep my mouth shut. I say things at the wrong time. I say things and think that it's that when it's not.
I should keep my thoughts to myself, cuz now i see what's going on here.
I said a few things, well not so much, but i thought a few things and then i find out that what i thought wasn't even that. Or if it was, it was minor, and not the real faced deal.
So from now on, i'm not gonna say anything until i get my stories straight.
Cuz to fully understand, you gotta see things from both sides.
And i didn't.....

Doubts, Questions, Mindsets, Personalities, Relationships...

生命への歓迎-I ask,is this all worth it?I say,yeah,else I wont be here.I question,y r things how they r?I answer,they just r.Made2face.

You see that above there? That's my current 'pm' for my messenger on MSN.
It's how i feel.

Sometimes, i really dont know.
Consider this:
A person while talking to significant other says that she's been having doubts. The other says that he'll prove her wrong, how he's not all that he seems to be.

But he also has questions in mind.

Due to certain situations, and actions/responses, he's been asking himself:
"Is this all worth it?"
To which he immediately has an answer:
"Of course, else you wont be here still, thinking about it and determined to help make this move on."
Another question:
"Why are things presently how they are? Is this just another bump in the road? An obstacle we ahve to face and remove? What's going on here?"
He has an answer set in his mind:
"Because that's just the way things are. That's how life is. And if you really are commited to having a serious relationship with this girl, as you say you do, then all you gotta do is face it. But relationships are a '2-way' thing. So you cant do it alone. You've made your decision, you chose her. You dont care about having to change a bit of your 'typical-ness' to make this work. Because it's just a habit, one that can be broken. You know yourself, and you have to show that to her. Now, it's up to her to decide; to be sure of what she's unsure about, and to move with that chosen course."

.....................


Well, i just found out something.
Now I understand.

Sigh....
Seems that I may have jumped to conclusions a bit.

It's not about me....
Hmm...
That's why, as i said before. Commumication's the key for real.

Ummm.....

(Wandering around thoughts now.....)

Well, i'm just gonna end here for now.
More things to figure.

Don't worry about it.

Talk About A Hidden Persona......

Heh.
Well, yeah, let's talk about it.
There's a part of me wanting to come out.
But i locked it in.
Now, the doors are open.
Zeke Jackoby ain't all he shows himself to be.
The wild side.
Been subdued. This vessel's been sick, hiding a part of urself aint cool.
Emerge now!
Let all know!
You wanna show it, they wanna see it.
She wants to have it, you wanna give it.
Imma gonna prove her wrong!
I'm not a prude.
I'm a perv.
You dont know that.....yet!
She'll see, but she wont see it comin'.
Heh.
Surprise! Here i am! All of it.
When u see me, you'll know.
Heheh.

Introverts...Extroverts...

Hmm, let the Introvert speak...

Ahem.
Yep, Sir Jackoby speaking. (taps speaker)
Can you hear me?
Do you see me?
No you can't.....
But you can read... ^^
Stumbling here I see?
Thanks for your interest, your concern.
As an introvert, i tend to

not speak about

the things I feel. thend to keep them to myself. Tend not to say much.
(Nods)
Hmm, yeah well, it's not like I can all the time. that's where blogging comes in.
Express all those feelings to whoever's interested.
Yep.
So let's see...

Think I'm seeing things clearer again.
I see....
How may you ask? Well.....
(Don't mind me if it sounds like senceless rambling or just talking about somethin u have no idea about, lol. Consider this self-therapy)

I figured out how things are.
So, these are my notes to myself:
1) NO over-analysing.
2) You think too much dude, just let it go.
3) Accept it all.
4) State your points if u got any. Make yourself heard if u have to.
5) Focus on you more. It'll do u good.
6) Live and let live.
7) Don't make anything hinder u, it's just pathetic. (Thanks bro!!!)
8) Keep going forward dude, and don't look back. Going good so far....KEEP IT THAT WAY!!!!!

And the introvert steps down....

(But where's the extrovert? You said there was an extrovert.....who is it?)

Heh, that's your mistake, i didn't say anything...

(But..the title...)

Titles have little meaning nowadays. But if you must know... the extrovert ain't really an EXTROVERT, so to say. Just more so than i am.....by a good bit.

(And that is?)

My girlfriend.

(How is she an extrovert?)

How is anyone an extrovert? she expresses her feelings far more than i do.

(Hmm..... good on your part?)

Uhh... yeah? Is that even a question? (Glare)

(What about for her, you being an introvert?)

Hmm... now you got me.... I dont know... not really, i suppose. She wants me to stop being so hidden, and so 'indirect', so to speak.

(Ohh, i see? And what are you doing?)

What the hell's that supposed to mean?!

(Jeez, don't attack me...)

Sorry..... hmm, i'm expressive, a little....

(You damn lie...)

What? Ok, maybe it doesn't seem so. I do write more than i talk. In a relationship, communication's the key. And there's not much of that. But i have intentions of changing that and i've tried.

(Is that an excuse? Sad....)

So you're..... wait. Who are you anyway?

(...)

Heh, now you've nothin to say? Answer...

(What do u think, look in the mirror...)

Sorry, I've got none....

(Stop with the snide talk! It's your concience, or just you talking to you.)

Heh, ohhh. I see... Which one of me.... Zeke, AlphA or Recon? God, don't let it be the Recon I've always known for a while......

(Yours to figure out...)

Ugh.... It can't be Recon. He's a sad demon, he might be talking me to death, knowing how he can be......

(Ok, it's not Recon, we get that.... (grr))

Sigh.... what is this?

(What?)

We went off topic. What's this about again?

(Well, extroverts now....)

I'm not an extrovert....

(Yeah, but your girlfriend is...)

You won't catch her here. She's got her own blog, the one i follow...

(Does she know that?)

Beats me. Yes or no....

(Do you want her to?)

Is there a reason for me not to?

(What do you think life's for her?)

I wish i knew, but i dont know much.....

(How's ur relationship going?)

Huh?

(You heard me...)

Ummm.... it's going somewhere, time'll tell?

(You sound unsure....)

Exactly.

(Ohh i see...)

Hmm.

(What are your wishes, relationship wise?)

I wish I was more open, so we could talk to each other properly about this. I wish i wasn't so nervous and suddenly unsure of what to say. But my councellor says that love makes you that way at times, and also very careful. I wish i was realer, with her. I wish I knew how to show love, in the way it should be shown. I'm such a noob...

(So?)

What'd ya mean, so?

(So, what? She loves you for you. Even your quiet persona, though it clearly contradicts her 'out there' one. You think too much. Stop trying to improve, when you've nothing to fix. That's just how you are.)

>Thinks....turns away...

(Where r u going?)

You're right. I'm gonna move on now, keep what u said in mind.

Walks away....

(Continuar..... depends y'know? ^^)

It's like Driving around a Round-About, you see the same sign, repetition goes on...

Why do I worry about stuff so much? i know it makes me sick, but i do it anyway. I dont get it, i make no sense.
Why do I feel like the bad guy? There's no reason for me to, so why?
Life.... is getting tiring. Like de javu, things seem to repeat.

It's like this.
When there's a situation, where you and someone else have an issue. You try to make a move to smoothen things out, and you think you've done well. You think that you've shown that you wanna move on and go forward with the person.
But then....
You feel a coldness. An attempt to avoid. That feeling you know you didnt want to feel, comes again.
Now, what do you do?
For me, I'd say I've a choice:
1) Don't worry about it, and act as if you didnt notice.
2) Show that you're concerned and at least ask a question as to why the person's acting a certain way, or just is avoiding eye contact or any contact for that matter with you.
3) Give the person space, assume that it has nothing to do with you, and just with stress from college majors and that the person'll cool down with time.
4)Search for clues that may concern why the person seems a certain way.

I said I've a choice, but what if you end up doing a combination of the four?
Does that make sense? I'd be lying if i said i knew.
Maybe i worry too much. Maybe I'm the one jumping to wrong conclusions.

I dont know.
Be I'm just concerned.

It's not like I'm just assuming that I've a part to play.
Cuz I've a question to support:
Why is it that the person's looking away from me, ignoring me and avoiding, while to other's seems cool, is just talking, just seems ok?

That's why I'm here now, in uncertainty, again.