Choking me....slowly.....

Another musical piano piece I plan to make; here are the lyrics:


A lack of feeling
A lack of knowing
That you and I
Won't ever exist again

Pretentious smiles
And wide set grins
While this pain lies
Beneath my skin

I
Cannot tell you
I long to show you
That if anyone mattered
To me
That its you

But you don't care
You don't know
Maybe its best
If it remains so

-----------------
Yet it chokes me
Slowly
Stunted breathing
Described from my every
Gasp
Just how long will I last?

When you fall inside
I stand, watch and wish you'd fly

I'd catch you in midair
Leap to death
I don't care

Instead of seeing you
Dying
Inside.

-------------------
You depict such memories
While you make them
Such beauty of art
That lies inside you

You feel alone inside
Behind the joke, you hide

I feel deeply for you
But you dont want me
To be the one who'd come to save you
So i stand in my distance
Whilst you wait for that guy
Yeah, that one guy...

Well, where is he
Who'd say "I love you"?
Who'd be so glad
With the love from you?
With whom you'd make sweet love
And become one
With celebration of what's true?

He seems to be taking his sweet time
But I'm sick of seeing you
Without someone to call yours
To hold on tight and protect you

>>>>
Well I'm not that guy
I'm not a guy but my feelings soar
They are all for you
But you don't care at all.....


Yeah.... the piano piece is instrumental.
It will be generated and composed on FL Studio 8 Producer Edition.
And guess what??

She'd never know.

I can live through my pain.
But I hope that hers will end soon.
Even if not ever with me.

How many stupid but selfless lovers exist?

....is thinking of going Anti....

Yep.
Anti.
Anti-love.
It sure as hell sickens me.

Truth is that I didnt know.
"Was just a phase?
Was more or less an experiement, to see where your feelings lie?"

I'd prefer if you told me yourself;
"Hey, I dont like you in that way anymore, i'm not bi, that was just a phase. So don't mistake anything I do to mean anything, and dont get confused."

Or something like that.

Now, she's goona avoid me like the plague..... worse than that.
And you know what?

Let her.
It's ok.

She always gets mad at me anyway.
And it's not like I'm gonna be too upset, I'll be busy still with my life.

And.... I hate facebook.
I'm gonna fucking leave it.

She took the comment the wrong way, ok fine, that's ok.
She got insulted, ok, i understand.

I apologize, but she's too mad to see my sincerity and all she can say is, "fuck you!" and "ur an asshole!"

I try to hide my wall from the public, so NO ONE could see anything on it; was gonna let the day pass, just so that she wont see anything to upset her again, and lo and behold....
She blocks me.

Now, the blocking and the rash replies don't account too much for me, i mean, she's mad so I dont blame her.

But she's just so disgusted by me.
And guess what?
I'm fed up of her and this stuff that keeps happening.

Like she leaves a comment like " Girl go and find a man eh honestly, and leave me alone. And as for d other one, you already choose him, so check your scin..bounce".

You know, I dont really care.
I know, one of the two people mention there is directed at me, I just dont know for sure which one.

You know what?
I WISH she was in my position and that I was in hers. Then she'd be the one being hurt deeper and I'd be the one waving my anger around!

But then, I NEVER post my true feelings on facebook. Never.

Only here on my private blog.

There are no links.
No alternatives.
Hopefully... no traces.

She doesn't know the sitename.

I'm an anonymous follower of her blog.
So she still can't see me.
She doesn't follow my blog so she doesn't get any updates at all.

So it's very private.

And I say it all here.
It's how I feel, not meant to demean or anything.

So..... as for the next month or so....

I'm gonna leave without a trace.
So there.
You won't see me again.

Stupidity.....

Is definitely found in love.
Why did I have to fall for her?
I'm mad at myself a little.
I wish I could just see her like just another friend I have who's a girl and that's it.

But I cant.

Stupid....

It's one thing to love someone who loves you back, at least to some similar degree or somethin, even though you can be together.
It's another, however, to love someone who probably doesnt, and will not, and who u shouldnt hope to, love you back, nothin more than as a friend.

I dont wanna lose her, so I act the friend role, well I am her friend, duh!
But it sad sometimes for me.
I miss her.
I try my best not to make her know that.

If I am tru to my feelings with her, she avoids me like the plague at times.
So with her, I must lie, to keep this.

I don't like to hold my feelings in.
It makes me so emotional and tears run down my eyes as they've been holding up all day for days, behind the smiles, which are not fake, I mean I enjoy my life, but there's still a hole.

Love is blind, def, and dumb, people may say.
And yes, in some ways they are right.

But my love is not blind; i see the good and bad, the upcoming pain and the wounds that will heal time and time again, both given by the two parties involved; us, if we were to ever come back together, which will never happen anyway.

Def? It can be, but I sure do listen to anything she says and respect it, and anything anyone else says once related to her or anything around there.

Dumb? Sometimes my love is very quiet, but only because it must be. It must stay quiet, so that she wont evade me. Or abandon me and leave me alone.

What can I say? It destroys me, but I rather that somehow..... or not.
I rather not be in love, then I won't feel this way.
But I am, and I cope with it, and though I know fully, that my yearnings will only bring me further down under.......

I wont lie.

I feel this way, and it's truer than anything else I've ever felt.

>.> I miss you, and I'm sorry, but I'm hopelessly and deeply in love with you.

(Even though I have many options and this is no sense of desperation, or neediness, but if u feel such things, for someone, you do tend to need the person.
I know you don't like it, so I'm sorry that you had to be the one.)

My god... How I hopelessly fall for you....

Why are you like that?
You steal my heart from me so often, its crazy.
I keep my composition around you, but when alone I gaze into nothingness and think of only you.
Wow.... you are beautiful.
Simply stunning, girl you are hot.
I don't know why you tend to think you're not.

I'm like a sick boy in a crush.
Though this is not merely a crush.
I love you, like words could never explain.

My god, Laura, you are my love.
I know that your sometimish with me; sometimes ur in sometime ur out.
Sometimes you like, others, definately not.

Laura, you are something else.
I accept you for you entirely.

Here I am, acting all "well, she's my friend, it's no biggie" jeez!
Laura, I love you so much you wont believe!

I need you.
I want you.
I gotta have you.
I wanna make you want me too.

You won't know how it happens, but when it does, you'll be in for something new.
I am not the girl you knew a year ago.

So, bust that.
Come with me when you know that I'm gunning for you.

Sighs....

She's mad at us all.
I did something, or said something to piss her off.

Well it's her right to be mad, if it hurt, she has all the right to act towards it.

I'm not even a little mad at her.
I understand how she feels.
The wierd things is that she is one of the very few I just can't get too mad at for long, or when she acts out how she feels negatively, i just understand and have nothing to say against it.

But i do get mad at her.
It's normal and expected.

She says I lie and that i get sick of her.

I don't get "sick" of her.
I get irated sure.
I get pissed sure.
Sometimes I even have feelings of hate for her when i'm hurt by her.
But i can't hate her.
I can't stay mad at her.

Most times if I'm upset I just cry over it alone.
Let the tears flow.
Write a few poems and stack them away with the LOADS and LOADS of papers I have from her and to her from since I first knew her.

And then that's it.

My mind is always on her, she never leaves.
Sometimes I hate it, most times I'm glad.

Because I know that I love her.

Sometimes, when she makes it sound as though I don't care about her, i get really insulted.

Because I know that that's not true.
I not only care for her, wanna look up to her and be there for her, support her in anyway....
I LOVE that girl to death.

But I can only do so as a friend, and that too, is beause I know she wants that, even though it hurts me, and though I may have selfish feelings from time to time....

It's her I care about, her feelings.

I always use her facebook as an update to how she feels, as a hints for what she won't tell me.

I look at her msn pm's too on live spaces.

And anywhere else i can remember, but these are the two main places.


But, I hurt her in ways I never am aware of at the time.... and it's not cool.
Sometimes I hate myself for them, but I'm never too hard on myself because I'm only human after all.

She removed me and some pals off her facebook.

And I'm not even a little mad.
It's not that I don't care.
We talked online.
She said everything she wanted to say.
She warned me.
So it's not too much of a shock.

I respect her in the greatest ways.

She doesn't know, but i really love that girl in the truest form.
Maybe I could never be with her physically... i'm not very physical.
But I've never stopped being in love with and loving her.
And it's the pain I am willing to endure for as long as it will remain.
Because I just love her like that.
If i tell her that to her face she may not get the extent cuz i wont be able to explain it so well with my mouth.

But still, it's the through.
It's not a secret.

I don't hide it.
It's an unsaid thing, and I'm sure she picks it up a little.

So now, she's really upset.

She's a strong feeler and I respect her for it, she's allowed to feel.

No matter how deep.
It's all good.

Hey, i feel too much too.

So i would know.

I really hope that she gets me fully.
See that I'm not lying.
Know that I am always there.

I just want her to live her life happily; she always hurt, and I contribute.

That's the bad part.

I better watch myself closer so I won't hurt her so much again.

So... let's just say....

That I still sorta miss you.
But I'm trying not to act on it.
Is that the right thing?

So, I sorta see myself liking him too.
But it's kinda hard to just switch like that.
How can I?

I still love you.
But I'm hiding that fact a bit.
It doesn't feel great, but I gotta do this for now I suppose.

Torture...

If I was a guy, I know I could definately be at your side, no problem.
But I'm not.

That's the problem.

My fault for falling in love with you.

Now I must live with it, being in love, but not being able to share this feeling... the pain of which i feel holding it in now...

But as I do, I'll live.

Update...

So... i'm so glad no one read this stuff.
The last blog entry.... mefff!

Don't worry bout it.

I'm just goin along life and being myself.
No sad notes.
No stuff like that.

I was in a moody mood then.
But not now. :)
:D

She's happy... well generally.
And I am too.

We'll be happy as pals.

May our stories unfold, clash and divide, lol.
Live our lives, all as a group.^^