Why?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and say,
"Why...really?"
Why was I made in this design?
Sometimes I feel sick of myself.
Everything about me feels wrong.
I would feel much more comfortable with myself if I were a boy.
I'd be more accepted.
Less ridiculed.
Things about me wouldnt come off as being so weird.
I've noticed that i try to alter my personality so that others would just leave me alone.
I act as if I dont care.
Sarcastic at times.
And other things.
Basically, sometimes I try to act more like other ppl, and less like myself, so that I could generally be accepted and all the focus wont be on me and/or what I do or say.
But they are all attempts to gain some sort of respect from ppl.
More my friends than anyone else.
Because I always feel attacked at times.
Something I do or say, and they always have something to say.
I feel that sometimes I just send something in them that makes them say something to bring me down... or if not so, just something negative.
Everyday.
It's getting to me.
Am I really that badly off still??
And then lauralee says she sees right thru me.
Yeah u do Laura, but not everything.
You literally have no idea of the half of it.
Sometimes, I feel that whilst I look up to them, they look down at me.
And the annoying thing is that people outside of my circle see me as something worth putting faith into, but my close friends dont.
I feel like I have to 'prove' myself to them.
And frankly I'm tired of it.
Also, when I feel down, I feel as if NO ONE should know.
Especially Lauralee.
She tends to make me feel worse at times, because tho she cares, eventually she gets fed up and says that she doesnt.
Or sometimes she just asks too many questions.
She questions my sexuality, always asking why this, and why that.
I know she is concerned, but I know myself, and when I say 'it just is', she says that its bullshit basically.
Like me she cannot simply accept an answer like that, and wants to understand.
But if i was in her position, I wont just say that. I'd at least try to accept that.
And there are times when I want to cry. And be held at least some.
I always stand alone and bear my pain by myself.
I always try to be strong, but I'm actually very fragile at times.
People think I'm such an iron.
Boys are intimidated by me, and I by them.
(Note that these are not my close pals...or at least not my really close ones, cuz some close ones fall here as well.)
They never see my weaknesses.
My really close pals, never seem to see my strengths.
That is how I feel, I could be wrong.
Sometimes, when a friend catches me in a downed state, i feel bad.
Because, as much as I want support, I hate to cry, especially in another's presence.
I would try to evade a girl's gestures and caring, but eventually I may break down right there.
However in front of a guy.... no way.
I feel more ashamed about crying in a guys presence.
He may care, wanna hug me, and I am a girl, so naturally thats ok...
But I'm not a typical girl.... not a normal girl...I dont even wanna be a girl.
I simply dont feel like one inside.
And so with my brothers I tend to act rough and say nothing's wrong.
Basically, all I wanted to let out is....
I just wish ppl would accept me, and stop asking so many questions that I cant even answer.
I wish they would stop looking down at me as a hopeless case.
I wish they could have more positive things to say about me, rather than constantly pointing out the dumb things about me.
I wish I could have someone who would not get so annoyed with me when I am sad.
Basically, I want it to be how it was in Trinidad... there, I was something of a crazy legend. Strange, but definitely respected and adored. (in high school)
Here, I'm.... just someone who constantly gets picked on by ppl, and feels criticized by friends.
