Hate being a girl sometimes.....

Why?

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and say,
"Why...really?"

Why was I made in this design?

Sometimes I feel sick of myself.
Everything about me feels wrong.

I would feel much more comfortable with myself if I were a boy.
I'd be more accepted.
Less ridiculed.
Things about me wouldnt come off as being so weird.

I've noticed that i try to alter my personality so that others would just leave me alone.
I act as if I dont care.
Sarcastic at times.

And other things.

Basically, sometimes I try to act more like other ppl, and less like myself, so that I could generally be accepted and all the focus wont be on me and/or what I do or say.

But they are all attempts to gain some sort of respect from ppl.
More my friends than anyone else.

Because I always feel attacked at times.
Something I do or say, and they always have something to say.

I feel that sometimes I just send something in them that makes them say something to bring me down... or if not so, just something negative.

Everyday.

It's getting to me.
Am I really that badly off still??

And then lauralee says she sees right thru me.

Yeah u do Laura, but not everything.
You literally have no idea of the half of it.

Sometimes, I feel that whilst I look up to them, they look down at me.

And the annoying thing is that people outside of my circle see me as something worth putting faith into, but my close friends dont.

I feel like I have to 'prove' myself to them.

And frankly I'm tired of it.

Also, when I feel down, I feel as if NO ONE should know.
Especially Lauralee.
She tends to make me feel worse at times, because tho she cares, eventually she gets fed up and says that she doesnt.

Or sometimes she just asks too many questions.

She questions my sexuality, always asking why this, and why that.
I know she is concerned, but I know myself, and when I say 'it just is', she says that its bullshit basically.

Like me she cannot simply accept an answer like that, and wants to understand.
But if i was in her position, I wont just say that. I'd at least try to accept that.

And there are times when I want to cry. And be held at least some.

I always stand alone and bear my pain by myself.

I always try to be strong, but I'm actually very fragile at times.
People think I'm such an iron.
Boys are intimidated by me, and I by them.
(Note that these are not my close pals...or at least not my really close ones, cuz some close ones fall here as well.)

They never see my weaknesses.

My really close pals, never seem to see my strengths.
That is how I feel, I could be wrong.

Sometimes, when a friend catches me in a downed state, i feel bad.
Because, as much as I want support, I hate to cry, especially in another's presence.

I would try to evade a girl's gestures and caring, but eventually I may break down right there.

However in front of a guy.... no way.
I feel more ashamed about crying in a guys presence.

He may care, wanna hug me, and I am a girl, so naturally thats ok...
But I'm not a typical girl.... not a normal girl...I dont even wanna be a girl.

I simply dont feel like one inside.

And so with my brothers I tend to act rough and say nothing's wrong.

Basically, all I wanted to let out is....

I just wish ppl would accept me, and stop asking so many questions that I cant even answer.
I wish they would stop looking down at me as a hopeless case.
I wish they could have more positive things to say about me, rather than constantly pointing out the dumb things about me.
I wish I could have someone who would not get so annoyed with me when I am sad.

Basically, I want it to be how it was in Trinidad... there, I was something of a crazy legend. Strange, but definitely respected and adored. (in high school)

Here, I'm.... just someone who constantly gets picked on by ppl, and feels criticized by friends.

Fighting... for this love I trust is definitely real....

Hello.
It's been a while since I updated.
Recently, I've been on a high... with the knowledge that she feels similar.

It's an awesome feeling... and I'm happy.... yet....

People have been bashing.
Friends of us both have been telling me not to bother with her.
How all I'm doing is putting myself thru stress.
Others warn me of being hurt later on.
More say that they are ashamed of me, still being around after a year.

I don't like to talk about her much to them when they ask, cuz they always have something of that sort to say.

It's not like I'm a hopeless lover, who's "dissatisfied with how things ended before and wanna make this right bcuz of that".

Really?

I'm not like that.

I've always been around... because I didnt lie when I said those 3 words to her.
I honestly love her... maybe a bit too much for a 19yr old.

I'm still young, and we defo cannot be together "forever".

I dont believe in forever.

But, I believe in "now", and "always been" and "always will be".

I know.

I've fallen in love with my last girlfriend... and I couldve sworn that she loved me too.

I was still having feelings for Laura, but I loved her (Mahelia) and now I dont even want to remember why, tho I do.

I respected our love, but she didnt, and she turned out to be... something I wont say.

Every time we meet, I feel resentment, but I still say hi.
She used me. badly and she didnt even care about my feelings.
That is why I left her, in a kind manner, i said I'll always care... but yeah.

Even I could say she doesnt deserve it.

But loving Laura is not a rebound. It's always been true.

So I will fight for our love. I will take the blows of everyone and stay strong.
For us both.

I know our pals only want good for me... and dont want to see me hurt.

But I wont be.

They say too: Oh even if it works out 4 a while, she still going to check man, and leave you behind.

Honestly, the thought is not foreign, i've thought it as well.

But I wont entertain it, because I trust her, and for her to tell me she loves me herself, that means something.

I.

WILL.

FIGHT.

I'm not a hopeless and sad "masochist".

I'm just someone who just happened to really love this girl.
I would even support her if she finds a boyfriend who really loves her, and well... might leave them alone in their happiness...because two lovers makes no sense to me.

People may call me stupid... but I'm sorry.
I'm strong.

I've went thru it all.
And will continue to do so.

So, leave me alone, kindly.

I love her and that's a fact i cannot change, not because I dont want to, I have tried, but because I cannot...and I know myself enough to tell.

Solemn?

I've been.
Its like I'm miserable.
But I hide it cuz I dont wanna be a depressed mess.
It just annoys people.

There's a pain inside me.
One I wish to dispose of.

Just how can I "be myself"?
The Bishop said I just need to accept myself.
How can I, when I am of this nature...having to hide important aspects of myself to society because....
Because its "unnatural".

It naturally happened to me.

To feel sad due to yourself, because the reason you are sad is the fact of who you are...is the worst.

I was in peppy moods at the beginning of the year.
I am a new person.

But why?

Why did I have to be this way?

This is something I cannot change.

Sigh... this is how I really feel.

Today was not a good day for me.
This morning, i cried.
At the bishop's I held back some serious tears.

At school....
I broke down.

So three times today I was emotionally wreaked.


My pals just wanted to understand me.
Inside, I was actually flattered.

But given my mood for the day...
I didn't want to talk much because all I'd do is cry.

I didn't wanna cry in front of them.
I just didn't want to.

I felt ashamed.


But I'm glad I did.
Though i still didnt give a real explanation because I just wouldve cried more.

And I didn't want to cry so much.

Sigh...

They said I lie alot.
Ok, i do lie.
But not as much as they think.

Oh, sometimes the lies are incredibly useless and obvious.
Lol. (That's a real lol :D)

But sometimes I really do mean what I say.

They really didn't hurt my feelings today.
Why I felt so sad is because the subject had upset me before, and there it was again, to explain.

Then, Laura.... she cared so much.
So did Cheri-Ann.

They are so awesome. :)

They cracked jokes.
They were funny... but given my mood all of them led me to think about my "gayness" and saddened me more.

But, I honestly know to myself that I am gay.

And so I decided, that since I really couldn't explain to their faces, much less when Abigail and Delon showed up....
Anyway the reason for that is, yes, Abi WILL crash the points I make.
I was already not able to compose myself sufficiently enough to explain...

And I WOULD have cried... again.
No way did I want to cry, especially in front of Abi.
Why?

Because I'd feel super embarrassed.

Firstly, Abi has some ways. Sometimes, she'd insult me and usually I wouldnt care much, because, that's just Abi.

So, given that I dont usually care about what she says normally, crying in front of her then because this topic has turned out to be an emotional one for me....
Would've just made me feel worse.

But then, as Laura said, if I feel sad, I should cry.
It's really a release... I had been holding those tears up for at least two weeks.

Anyway, I figure since they've been so loyal as to ditch class and stay with me, I will spill it out here.
Thank you again you guys.

EXPLAINATION:
This is me being honest.
I hope you guys don't think I'm lying.

Laura-> The reason why I couldn't keep a straight face with you when you made that face is because I was mega embarrassed. Of course I wouldnt have said that then... I wouldnt have admitted. Also Thanks so much for the hug... i really appreciate it...I wouldve hugged you back, I'm a bit more affectionate than I used to be... but the hug you gave me made me cry even more...

Cheri-Ann-> Thanks to you too. And you could believe me when I say stuff... I'm not that much of a liar. I'm not saying that I don't lie... but sometime when I say no really and then my eyes drift away is because I feel embarrassed. And because of my embarrassment today... led me to cry as well.

Based on topic:

From where we left off, I clearly remember the last question: "And what is romance for you?"

I couldnt answer that in the state I was...

But as much as you guys wanna know, I want u guys to know.

Cheri-Ann... please don't get freaked out.
Laura... I know you wont, but yeah.^^

Romance for me is romance for you guys.
Except its a bit different for me, in that yeah... my orientation and also, my approach.

For me, I like to take on a "fairy tale" aspect.
I tend to be at my romantic peak when I'm in a nice scenery with my girl or in music.

Also...

This is where I admit where I have lied: I have become sexually intimate with a girl before. And in this case, I was the one who initiated. It was totally what I wanted, I wasn't forced in any way.
Although... it didnt go "that" far......ish.

I didn't want to say that aloud, cuz i didnt wanna freak anyone out.

But yes, I actually do fathom being sexually active with a girl.
It freaks me out... when openly expressed.
I don't like to talk about it, because I'm the only gay one here in our group of four.

Romance for me starts out like this:

Scenario:

I see a girl I like.

At said times, the attraction is physical.
I say to myself, hey, she looks hot.

But then I watch how she carries herself.
Then if I'm further interested I say,
"I'd like to get to know at least her name."

Now because I can't immediately tell whether she's that way or not, I make a very platonic approach, yet somehow, unusually friendly.

And, as I get to know the person, then I get to know where they stand.

It's kinda simple... simpler when they tell me themselves.... which is normally the case.

Now if said girl really liked me back...
At first, I wouldnt be very affectionate yet.
I'd tell her nice stuff, and gradually get to the point where I'd surprise her with a kiss scenario... which is super cool.
Umm... or if she pulls me in because I teased her a bit.
^^

For me...
I would get physical with a girl, only and only if I have emotional feelings for her.
The sheer desire to be there to love, support and protect her becomes stronger.

I automatically take upon myself the guy role.

When I said I was somewhat transgendered, I meant to refer to the society role I feel most comfortable in.

Inside, I feel like a guy.
But it's not like a necessarily want male sexual parts.
Although being a guy does involve this... it being pointed out so directly..makes me feel weird.

As for marriage... I do fantasize about it from time to time.
But....in my mind I am always a guy in my subconscious.
I dream as being the best father there ever was.
I dream of having a daughter and a son. Yeah, just two initially.
I dream of having a really active yet laid back and awesome wife.
I dream of it all....
And then get pissed off.

Reality kicks in.
I can't be a father.
I'm not a guy.

And then I say...
"Eh... I don't wanna be married."

I've also thought of marrying a guy and this is how I pictured it:
I say shit and say that I'd treat him badly.
Truth is a dont have the nerve, though I'm more aggressive and "on point" with guys... I still am nice to them.

If I had a husband... this is how I pictured it to work:
So me and my male honeybun (or whatever) would be total equals.
Total.
I mean like to the exact same chores for example.
It'd be like brother and and very masculine sister more than husband and wife.

We'd do a whole lot of crazy shit together.
I may wanna spar with him and compete with my strength. (then I'd imagine that I'm tough enough :))
I'd wanna take over and do his manly...stuff.

But with children... we'd have a problem.
Sex with a guy... the thought irks me.
More specifically, the thought of ME having sex with a guy irks me.
I get "goosebumps".

It would be much harder for me to be "romantic" towards a guy, rather than a girl.
Trust me.

Though I've never actually been with a guy, I've had some strong feelings for a couple... the deepest being with Dion, remember?

But every time he'd advance, I get tense.
What literally goes through my mind:
"What the hell dude? Don't you see i'm a----"
Then the pause in my head.

Naturally, the last word would be "a dude".
Reality: I am not.

And that frustrates me.

Now I dunno why it does... that I cannot explain.
I cannot explain just what led me to like girls, but I remember the first thought I ever had when I had just entered adolescence.
The first ever that led to my romance period.

Laura, you were partially right. But not fully.
You see, my father did lead to it... but it wasnt because i was afraid of a man treating me the way he treated girls.

Everytime I would see him doing that shit then, I mused to myself.
But there came I time when this thought came in:

"I would never be as horrible as you. Girls deserve better. I will be better than you. I would be the best I can be and the gentlest towards them. I would love them, more than you ever could."

At that time I used to write all my inner thoughts inside a book, but this one i never forgot.

At that time, it didnt mean much to me, then I was just being me.
Not once then did I think, hey, you cant love a girl like that, you are one. Never.
To me it just was natural.

From since I was 14 I naturally had an eye for girls, and never questioned it.
Sexual feelings did come along, and in my fantasies... I was always with a girl...as a guy.
In my thoughts I was a guy.
It is strange.

First all i desired was a kiss.
Then, the other stuff came along.
Not once did I ever think i was wrong.

Until I came here in DA.

Until I first began to question it.

And then I realized that I had to come out of the closet that I previously wasnt aware of.

They more i realized that these feelings were unnatural for me, the more I became engulfed in my thoughts, soul searching, looking for answers.

Before I realized though, people used to say, "oh, are you gay?"
I used to take offense: "No, why the hell did you think that"

And at the same time used to harbor very natural desires for a girl in my class.
I was extremely shy... I used to just look at her in a distance.
I played guitar then, so at a latter point when i locked myself in my room, I'd write music that she'd never hear for her.
When we played hockey together (yep, we were on the same team), I'd look at her move gracefully while hockey balls hurdled at me (yep, i was goalie, she was one of the forerunners).

Pretty silly, due to preoccupation of thoughts about her I would nearly forget i was supposed to be stopping people from getting goals.
At one late attempt, i fell hard on my head. (had a helmet though)
She came running... and she helped pick me up and stuff.
I held her and hugged her.
That was an awkward time to do it... the game was on pause though.
She was like, why are you hugging me Sade, and laughed.
I blushed... and then got embarrassed.

People were watching me like, what?

But yeah.

I guess I'd stop here.
Dont wanna make it too long... although... it still is long.

Thanks again you guys. I hope I sorta cleared things. ^^

Thank so much for being the friends you are.

For the pub...

I can't take it anymore.
Being a gay person really saddens me.
There's pain everywhere, I never say nothing about them.
Someone tells me something, or something else happens.
Ok, I do care about people!

I didn't choose this!

I wish i wasnt.

Today I am to talk to the bishop.

I'm gonna tell him everything.
This is like a constant soul search for me.
I can't just be me at all.
Because people everywhere would have something else to say.

I'm actually crying; the pain I can hold no more.
I feel so alone in this wicked world.
And no one is on my side.I don't wanna cry anymore.
I wanna be happy.
Yet I have never fully beenThen this whole want of love.... i could do without.
I want love.
I wanna give it to someone.Lord, why was I born a girl?!
Why?
Why couldn't I be a guy?

Then my love wouldnt be wrong.

and then maybe, I wouldnt be alone.

Reason why I am alone is not because I have no choice, a few girls do want me.
But my stubborn love would not subside, nor will I allow it to.
I'm happy that it's true but...

It also hurts.
Really bad.

I'm sad....

I can't take it anymore.
Being a gay person really saddens me.
I didn't choose this!

I wish i wasnt.

Today I am to talk to the bishop.

I'm gonna tell him everything.
This is like a constant soul search for me.
I can't just be me at all.
Because people everywhere would have something else to say.

I'm actually crying; the pain I can hold no more.
I feel so alone in this wicked world.
And no one is on my side.

Even the fact that I'm in love make me cry.
Because I cannot tell her; she doesnt feel the same.

I cant stand being myself.
Sigh...

All my desires are being disregarded.

Oh my God please!

I don't wanna cry anymore.
I wanna be happy.
Yet I have never fully been.

Then this whole want of love.... i could do without.
I want love.
I wanna give it to someone.

But look at me!
I'm a girl as well.
It's gonna be wierd.

Lord, why was I born a girl?!
Why?
Why couldn't I be a guy?

Then my love wouldnt be wrong.

and then maybe, I wouldnt be alone.

Reason why I am alone is not because I have no choice, a few girls do want me.
But i love her like no other.
And my stubborn love would not subside, nor will I allow it to.
I'm happy that it's true but...


It also hurts.
Really bad.

Will be busy for the next few days, hopefully you may be able to clear things up for me?

Hello Lauralee.
Yeah, I know you won't get this.
But whatever.

Look, I love you. Okay?
But i haven't said jack-shit. Why?
Well basically because I don't know if you're interested.
You confuse me y'know.
One minute, you suggest to me that you like me.
Next minute; "Oh, what's the big deal with me for you anyway?"

That's the only way I could describe it.

I hope you find your love.
You want it? Then go get it.

What you are failing to realize is that I love you.
And yes, I KNOW WHAT LOVE IS.

Just in case you were wondering.

Why do I love you?

I want you to ask me that to my face again.
i want you to.
And I will give you the answer.
One YOU WONT be able to question again.

You frustrate me.
I love you, but i can't show you that.
Because you WILL become distant. Previous experiences have shown me this. You will.

Maybe it's because I am a girl.
Like i said before, I am sorry I'm not a guy.
I know full well that I am gay.
And that you are NOT.

Yet I love you.
But are you ready?

Can you do this?

Are you willing to feel what it's like to be truly loved?
Not in that way those guys do....which is not serious mind you.
Did you even really love them then?

The past is dead to me.
This is what it is now.

And I love you now.
I'm waiting now.

For an answer.
Preferably NOW.