At times when you feel alone, I care for you.
Scratch that; I ALWAYS care for you.
The three words you read from me from time to time, "i love you" was NEVER used in vain.
Because unlike you who wondered if you ever really loved the people you left before; I know for sure that I've loved the people I've been with, though it's only say, two real relationships I've been in.
Currently, I am trying my best to fall out of love with you, because I've realized that in some way I always fall short.
With you, I've never been completely sure of whether you were willing to be back with me ever since we broke up about a year ago.
Because your feelings always seemed to change about me, and I found myself mistrusting them after a while.
One day it seems that you want me back, and willing to accept any move I want to make, but 2 days after I haven't and then you seem all indifferent or regretful of thinking that we ever could; thinking that I wasn't ready or afraid.
I do things in my own time, and in my small experience with "not ever serious" relationships (which are just occurrences) I always made them wait.
And then at least a week after, I surprise them.
Ever since we broke up over known reasons, I figure that this will never work with you. You always tend to assume otherwise before 4days even pass.
I tend to wonder if you've ever really loved me anyway.
Like you said, you weren't sure about the others before.
I tend to think that I definitely fall under that category.
It's a shame though, because I feel like I set myself up again. I know I loved you. I know I still do. No doubts ever about that.
You've misunderstood me so many times that I don't even try to convince you anymore, and here I was thinking that you were one of the very few.
It's like you don't even really know me.
And yet the weird part is that yet you know me the most in other ways.
I am not a person to allow people in easily, and so most literally say that I'm a story to unravel; a mystery.
The more you know, the deeper you get.
The deeper you get, the more you find.
And then you say there are some things I just don't understand and it annoys you.
Well.. o well... a shortcoming.
I know what I did wrong, and the rights that I didn't do.
You'd never leave them behind.
Sigh. And so, I try to subdue my feelings here because I know they are more or less unrequited or if I am wrong, I never got a different impression.
Communication was a lack for us anyway, and you're not into deep heartfelt stuff, so you've said to me.
I guess I was wrong.
I guess we weren't meant to really be.
Although I've tried to not look at it that way, I refuse to waste any more tears over a matter that seems too inevitable to change.
Though we did get somewhere as friends.
I always said that i was stubborn because me love for you was of that nature; stubborn, unconditional, stubbornly strong.
I saw and faced and even felt the lashes of your faults, and even though they upset me deeply I knew I could handle them.
Because I loved you for your whole self, good and bad.
I'd never been so accepting of any one person like that in my entire life so far.
Then you confused me. Little affection you tend to show me I used to see it as a spark, a sign of me finally getting somewhere with you. But then sometimes even a day after; you're uncompromising and cold towards me.
I never got that. And it took alot from me to try.
Then I began to doubt you a little bit.
I think for you being with me, a girl, that was just "it just so happened". An incidental thing.
Guys are for you, not girls.
Not me.
Lauralee, I love you. But maybe I never convinced you. And you used to say the same, and I was never fully convinced myself.
You are more physical it seems when it comes to love, and I am not.
I feel more than I show. I'm dare say I'm even more emotional than you are.
You think you cry too much?
I cry for and over for you all the time; even now as I type these words I am fighting back inevitable tears.
But I'm tired of hiding somewhere so that I can cry. I'm tired of isolating myself so I gather my emotions and talk to myself about you, and cry even more.
This past year, I see that before I was too afraid to show you how I really felt and after that when I started pursuing you again, you never really gave me a chance, or when you did, it was never at my own pace or I just didn't catch up.
This is me being entirely truthful to you.
I was never much of a good liar anyway.
It seems that at times when I send you something as deep as this, sometimes you get pissed.
Don't take any of this the wrong way; don't just jump to conclusions; you're very well known for doing that and it's not very fair.
Do like what your intro says in your own blog; "The plethora of theories".
Normally I would send you this, but this time no, I would wait until you've found this yourself, whenever that may be, then, the time would be right.
I only do stuff like this, because you are important to me Laura, even though you tend to think that maybe you just don't matter or if you are uninteresting, know that that's the lie.
You are not; to me.
Even if you don't want to be like this for me and would rather have someone else feel that way for you instead...
This was NOT a choice, and some things in life doesn't need a logical explanation or reason, oh seeker of truth.
And I dare say that if you contradict this with the whole "but EVERYTHING has to have a reason that CAN BE EXPLAINED", Laura, I'm telling you right now that you are wrong.
Yes there us a reason for everything, but not always able to be explained, sometimes, it's a gut feeling.
This is one of these.
True, I don't know love really, I can't explain it, hell, I've never been in as many relationships as you have, but that's not always the point.
I've been around now, I have some, though very little experience.
But I know what I feel, and I KNOW THAT'S IT NOT A MERE association of feelings here.
I'm certain of that, no matter the odds.
I'm firm in what I feel and believe.
This is not fake.
I stress again nothing i ever did was forced, but do you have any idea how risky it is to show homosexual feeling in front of people you don't really know how they'd take it, accept it, and that they may cast a bad eye on you?
That's how it always was for me, but since we were barely ever alone, and that you were apparently afraid of me....
Why would you be? I'd never do anything you didn't want me to. I can't physically hurt you. I won't force you to do anything you didn't want to?
I'm like the safest person, because I just do nothing.
I know I've lacked certain things and personalty traits you need and for that I cannot seem to forgive myself.
And given everything else that happened, and your disgust that you've acquired for me, I guess that's part of how things became due to change.
But it's ok, because all I really want in the end is for you to be happy. Even if it's never ever going to be with me.
And that seems to be the case here.
By the way, I really appreciate you being truthful to me and finally telling me how you felt about me.
Thank you for letting the words "sometimes I think us dating was a huge mistake" come out.
It hurt deeply but, I never saw it this way.
I saw it as very unfortunate for us to have gone through these things, and that maybe it may smoothen out; this bumpy road we embarked on. That all it could take is time.
But I guess you can't take such things. We are all young, we all want what we think we deserve. And you won't come along with me here. I respect that and should probably stop here myself.
I will subdue my love for you. I will try my hardest not to act on it. I will find my way and perhaps someone may come to me; someone I may actually like.
But, I will always love you.
However I can't take the one-sided-ness anymore. enough is enough, and my heart is fragile yet strong.
There is so much pain i can take. and over a year seems to have done a lot of damage being so positive and then being inevitably let down, through my own fault.
You are bound to find someone else who really loves you, and who's a guy who's the man you so desire and deserve.
So, take care Lauralee and don't you ever worry about me, if you do.
Just be happy.
I'll always be for you as well whenever you are.
