When you really love someone...

When it's not just a word,
When it's what you feel,
When it's what you know.

When it's something you didn't expect
What you didn't want, because of certain
Events that ceased to matter
Those things became dim.

When it's due to someone's very person
Just them, and fully them
Not just the parts of her you love
No, just her, it's all her.

You know her faults, you know her well
She knows you well, but not it all
Your lack of trust, brought up that fall
Long time now up, but still in love.

No need to prove, you know you love
No matter what
You know you love
And now the chance
Is all you need
But you won't show
But wait and see.

Not simply just
Associations
Of feelings
That "feel like it's love"

You know it's hardcore
It took over you
You know it's true
It took over you
But you won't tell
Her how you feel
But wait and see
If she might feel.

This risk you take
After that aftertaste
And sure possibility
Of hurt to take place

But you live on
With stupid hope
And pray to God
That this might work.

Longing

How I long for something.
How I long for someone.
I long for happiness.
You're the one I long for.
Once more.
And again.


I was reading some pieces and watching some pictures submitted by a girl on deviantart, in one of my groups. Dedicated to the LGBT community.

And she's so happy with her girlfriend.
And they are just such a lovely couple.

I asked myself, "Why couldn't I be like her?"
"I wanna be just like her.
And she had a story like mine.
Had a girlfriend, they fell out, and then, the second chance."

I wonder when will ours come, if it does.

I close my eyes and she's there.

Lauralee.

Her name is lovely y'know.

She is beautiful.

But I keep all my thoughts to myself.

I long for the day when we give in to love.

For now, I'll just hope and pray.

Presently, these days...

I feel more mature.
Now i have a job, a good one too.
I really appreciate it, and I'm playing the part; a somewhat mature-ish 18yr old who stumbled unto the cooperate world.

Not a very nice place by the way.

It's kinda hard.
These days my energy level has dropped severely.

I feel tired all the time.

So now I've changed my sleeping patterns... again.
I'd say so far it's going ok.

Now at school:

Sometimes I'm too tired to even show up at classes.
Hope that changes.

Almost everyday, other than going to classes, I meet up with my friends.
Most times it's Lauralee, Cheri-Ann, and Abigail in their group of 3, before I come along.

I always have a tendancy to want to playfully harass my "brother".

But towards lauralee and Abigail, though I'm still friendly, I try to give an impression that deserves some type of respect.

So I don't act goofy. Or overly playful. I'm always trying to "keep my composition".

That's because I made myself look stupid and these two were prone to being mean to me or just plain disrespecting me.

I didn't like it, so I made my resolution to not be as stupid as last year.

See where this comes in?

So these days I just act myself, without the goofiness. Not hard really.

I don't wanna look like a fool anymore.

But that's not all.

I am still in love with Lauralee in particular.
But because of past experiences with me showing affection and she giving me the cold shoulder, i just decided to keep it as my secret.

It hurts though; everytime I see her i'm being reminded of why I love her so much.
And it's not her clothes, or hairstyle or anything right in front of your face, no.

It's simply her as a person.

So it's even harder to be there subduing my feelings, its almost depressing.

My love feels unrequited and like she said it should just die.

So there I am hiding my feelings and acting like it doesnt affect me. What a pain.


She acts much nicer toward me. I dunno, maybe she's making a concerted effort.
But this is why I don't do anything "out of it" anymore; so that she won't have to try and just be nice to me.

Y'know, just normal.
Like she is toward everyone else.

Then I wish that someday she'd love me again.
You know, just have the same feelings that I do for her.

Somehow......

I tear up about it, but that's when I'm alone or when I'm walking home along the coastline.
It's my secret.



These days are hard, but I've been through harder.
I dunno I just wanna be happy.

I wanna be successful at work and not so tired.
I wanna actually get some A's in school.
I wanna be respected not just by some, no, by everyone.
I wanna announce my love for Laura and for her to be happy because she loves me too.
I wanna be able to greet her with kisses and just show her how loved she is by me and how true i've been with this from since ever.
I wanna give her myself and love her to the fullest; I mean, I know what i'm about now and I'm not such a noob anymore.
I wanna make her happy; jeez I "over-care" about that girl.

And I just want things to flow.

I pray to God for these things, yeah ALL of these things.
Yeah I even pray for Laura.
I tell him a million times how much I love her and how I dunno how i can stop, because I can't.

I love her, whether it's wrong, or right.

How unconditional is that?

And the worst thing is that I'm only 18.
Why do I have to fall for such strong love now?

People say she's just your first but that statement is false.

What am I to do?
My answer to that is to wait it out for now and live everyday as a new one.
And just see.

Patience is really a virtue.
I exercise it well now.

If she really doesn't want me anymore well I'm just gonna be the victim of love.
It will hurt and I'm all ready for it, but it will still hurt.
But much less now because I'm keeping a lil distance while I'm still around.

That's where the job came in.

I wish you knew...

I looked up at the sky, and I thought of you.
But naw, i wont tell you that, even though its true.

I doubt you'd even care.
Sure you'd freak out, but I must accept.

For you, liking me as a girl was just a phase.

My God, how much hurt my heart has gone through?
Why is it still beating, why still for you?

My heart like yours, could've died and be concealed.
But I let all my feelings out, I mean come on, this is how I feel.

And I still love you, but to you these words I cannot tell.
Because I said it too much, did you believe; this is where we fell.

I wanna shout at you and tell you this is how I feel.
How this is not just an association of feelings that I tend to feel.

I am very pro-choice but this i didn't choose.
Cuz if i did I couldve gone so far away and still not lose.

But sitting watching sunsets while rapid thoughts go through my head,
And involuntary tears fall down, and they take their stead.

Sometimes I even wish that somehow I were dead,
But living hiding feelings for you is better than that compared.

Maybe you'd always say that there's no opportunity
I will always be right here... even though you'd never love me.

Infatuation? Or love?

I know what infatuation is.
I've known that before love.
Infatuation is just real common these days.

My friend Mint (that the name he goes by) says that he doesn't wanna fall in love; would rather be infatuated because at least there is an end.

I totally understand where he's coming from.

With infatuation, though feelings are involved and such, there is an end to them as well.

Love?

Well that, is something else all together.

As for unrequited love?
My friend Lauralee (well she's actually the girl I love -.-) said that it should just die.

I know sorta what it's like to have your love unrequited.
Somewhat.

I could tell the difference.

(Mentioning all the relevant... )
I was infatuated with Miriam, the girl i first had feelings for.
I was interested in Sherell.

Ok, whatever, whats the point of mentioning names anyway?
Don't wanna spill too much beans.
Those two are just two from Trinidad.

Of course these things happened here too in Dominica, even more so.

But....
Love hurts.

With Laura, I hold all and I mean ALL the lovey stuff behind.
All the emotions are hidden.
The love has been subdued.

But I didn't mean to be distant.
She said that I was being that way.

I just didnt have anything to say. That is... in relevance to the topic.

And as for with love?
I wont say shit.
Not now.
I worked so hard to get it not to bother me, got a job to better myself and keep myself occupied, so that I wont just linger around her all the time so.... to got back and mess things up.

So there.

In most ways for me... infatuation feels better.

But love is what I treasure.
Yeah I know some people would be like "huh! her? she's against love" and whatnot if they ever heard me say this.

But its true.

I have, feel and want to show my love for Laura.
But for now?

Best I just keep quiet.

"The Hidden..."

All my feelings I express here are rarely or never shown.
These, are feelings found in the depths of my person.
I never demonstrate them, because they do not affect me enough to.
Nor do I want them to.

However, I do not keep my feelings inside.
This is how i let them out.

Most people talk it out.
Most people have friends who are willing to hear the real stuff; who actually have the patience.

But me? Though I have people like that around, its not very easy to express myself with these emotions.

I am more introvert.

So this is my method.

At school; I act myself. I'm not acting any role, who I am at school, is me in society.

And personally, to a point.

Among my friends, everything is alright.

Around her, everything is alright as well.
We're friends, so I do not entertain feelings toward her.

But that doesnt mean I ignore it.

But here, its a bit better to be secretive.

What can I say?

Life's there to live.
And so, I do.

"We are a pair"... no... we WERE.....

You remember that line?
"We are a pair"?
"I knew there was something about you"?

Nope.
Nah, you've forgotten.
But I never did.

Can't blame you for having fleeting memory.
But mine stays intact.
Especially if it's important to me.

I don't know.

Those words hit my heart and makes me wanna cry.
But I'm not normally "maco"....
Naw...

I dunno... you send the worst parts of me out.
And the best.

Why are you like that? Why do you affect me? Why does this have a wicked, selfish effect on me?

I could never forget you.

But you'd forget me.... sadly.