Risk Taker

To be madly in love is really a risk taker. And I am. It makes me sick. I am sincerely in love with someone. But it seems that when you say that you really love her, and at the rare times you do, you wanna show it... they get other ideas. I've a hunch that she thinks I’m obsessed over her. But I KNOW that I'm not.
She's a person on the constant pursuit of love. She says she's bi, but she's more oriented on the guys. (Lucky me). The guy of interest changes quickly... since there is always the occurrence of him not being suited, being a bitch, or just not being interested in her.
I watch her when I get any chance at her flirting techniques. Well, I'm normally nearby anyway. She is a major flirt, I'll tell you that. We have that in common, but I don't indulge in such things among my "A" friends (Main set of pals). Or even in their range. It might freak them out, since they are all girls anyway.
I do this when I'm among other friends; if there's a girl who looks interesting, of course I make my move. Being very subtle about my intentions, I safely find out whether they may be bi or straight.
Sadly, there are never any gay ones that I'd be interested in here, in this country, since they are normally on the guy side, like me. There was once an occurrence of me getting close to tied up with a "dominant" female, and since a "fight" for dominance came to play, that wasn't such a good idea.
I have flirted with many girls; even those I knew beforehand were straight. Those who I found out were bi, and there were quite a number of them, I flirted with...
With no intention of getting things any further from that. But, as it goes most times... they fall for it, and fall for me, and hence pursue me. I have to blame myself for that; I do tend to give them the wrong idea. But there is a reason why I never intentionally aim for anything close to a relationship with them, or reasons, rather.
Firstly, is that they are not my type. Physical wise. Either because they are taller or too much bigger than me... even though they may be pretty, because I don't settle for less than what I consider the type of girl I wanna be with, I usually cut any relationship-like scenarios short.
Secondly, their attitude. People here tend to have a lot of it, and it's not something I'm quite used to. In Trinidad, people are different, most I've met were nice, and they didn't bark at you. Then, people here are far nosier than those in Trinidad. I act nosy among my pals, but the truth is that I don't really care most times. About anything they talk about. Unless I hear my name being involved.
Thirdly, is because they disgust me. Especially the bisexuals. Usually, I hate them here. Why? Before I even got into my first relationship with... well I won't call names, but her... I've been around a few bi's. And they all, but her , seemed to be the same; they say they love their girl counterpart, but it's the guy who takes most of their feelings for the girl and channel it for themselves. Now, I don't blame guys for having that "attraction" factor down, but it pisses me off. But then, in most of these cases, the girl counterpart is usually bi too, and so when the two girls "play around" it's no big deal. Because they love each other, they say. That's not real love if you ask me. That's just being overly adventurous with someone you have something for.

The funny thing is that even though I swore to myself that I'd never fall for a bisexual...
I fell in love with a bisexual... who doesn't even seem to be too much of the type. She may have had true feelings for girls...
But on the scale used for the levels between heterosexuality and homosexuality; 0 being pure hetero, 6 being full homo, and 3 being equally bi , I'd give her a 2. Or a 1. But not a 3. She’s not like the bisexuals I get disgusted by, so she’s a different kind of bi.
As for me, I won't even give myself a 6. I always say 5.
Because, I have found myself having feelings for one or two guys... but when it comes to physical, it really ticks me off. Even a mere kiss sickens me, the thought of it, with a guy. And so, the only way you can tell of my feelings a little over "just a bastard I know" I have for a guy, are those that I spend actual time with... in some cases.
Like the case of a guy named Warren.
I honestly liked him... more than just a friend. He was a great influence to me... and secretly I wish I was straight because of him. I talked about him a lot. He understood me, and wasn't like much people I knew.
He reminded me of me; a very different person labeled as crazy, but doesn't care about what people say to a point, as long as you're happy being who you are.
I even said to him a few times that I really liked him, to which he'd reply the same to me. And we weren't lying.
He wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone, but if there was something of the real caring nature between us, it was that. And that alone.
And the case of Vince.
I liked him too. He was very cool, and was too, always there to listen. Again, one of the very few guys I actually trust, I told him a lot.
He seemed interested, and I did warn him off me, but I still hung out with him like real close pals.
'Cuz I liked him. Still kinda do. And if I was straight, it would've worked out too.
And Alejandro.
The first guy I really grew to like a bit. He did stir up some feelings. But it had a great effect on me then, seeing that it was the first time I felt anything of that nature, for a guy.
What worried me was that he was a bit too interested for my liking. He really liked me.
I had to let him down then, so he won't get confused. And when I did it, I actually felt bad for being gay.
But it's not something you can just change, as this wasn't a choice for me, but a very essential part of my person.
Joshua however...
He's my closest guy-friend. But I don't like him like that. He freaks me out even. I help him out with other girls, but even if I were straight, I probably wouldn't have liked him.
Because "he's not the type". Lol. Simply put.
I feel sorry for him, cuz he likes me, but, I don't like him.... and he's a perv. A worrisome case .
But that's it for the guys who kinda got to me. They were lucky, to even get to me that far. For I'm kinda like a guy in that I simply refuse to submit to them. Extremely rebellious when it comes to a guy who'd dare try to achieve that in anyway.
In that case, I give him hell.
But anyway...
Bisexuals generally disgusted me... because of the fragile way they used the words "I love you."
Especially when they tried that with me. I was a newbie then, but I knew the true meaning of love. Although I had no experience, or any interest for that matter, I still understood why it was so wanted. And how disastrous it can be, if you mess with it, in the event that it is real.
However, it was the one I loved. Who was different, than the rest I would come across whenever that happened. Who I really cared for, and gave my all in the way I knew then.
Then we got together.
And there... things went downhill.
I had no experience, nothing to act forward from.
And, whatever.
Then I found another. She was cool, and was passable. I flirted with her, but had no intention of being together. If anything, all I had was lust.
Until, as I got to know her, love started brewing up inside me. I truly cared for her. And I thought she was single.
Until I found out that I was more or less set up for her silly "girl on girl" desires, a spontaneous turn of a sexual activity experiment, thoughts like this probably going through her head;
"This girl is hot. She's sexy. I wonder what she has to deliver. She acts like a real man, let’s see just how much. I used to have girls falling for me, but I find myself falling for her, she must be something."
And she did say something like this to me with her own mouth.
We did get physically involved. And I just lead it there, because I wanted her, she was hot after all, in an odd way.
Cuz she wasn't the "pretty-cute" girl I’d normally want. But she was shorter, and was older. I felt adventurous, and I challenged myself to see just how much I could have her wanting me, and she being older, posed the challenge even more. I teased her, a lot.
And it worked better than I thought it would.
My experiment had become a success, and my hypothesis proven right, that in a short time, a girl could be hopelessly wanting you, calling you, and have you constantly in her mind. I used attraction for sabotage.
This all happened in two weeks. Then, I found it all out.
Yeah she was older than me; I guessed about 22 for the oldest. But I was dreadfully wrong. She was 28. Her physicality had fooled me, she looked young for her age, but then I saw it.
Then, she had a kid. A 3 year old. I assumed that she was a young mother, like a few pals I have.
But no.
The father died about 2 years ago, after they had been together for 6 years.
It's like everything had just blown up in my face.
And if that wasn't enough...
Turned out that she wasn't single!
Nope... She had a boyfriend... or a man-friend I should say. A muscular buff guy. And here's the best part:
They were planning for marriage in a year's time!
I felt so, so stupid. What mess had I gotten myself into?
Apparently why she had felt how she felt for me, was because I satisfied her in a way that he didn't.
He was a nice guy; I was considerate, yet demanding in a sexy way. She told me so. Though I felt some pride... I mean, it was cool knowing that I had basically stolen her from him without even knowing, but then again...
Not only was I the third point of a triangle...
The bonds of marriage were involved here.
I was messing with impending sanctity. And it sickened me.
Found this stuff out in the third week.
Though I had all this to deal with, I still had my dear first girlfriend in my mind.
"I wonder how she's doing. Does she miss me... maybe not? I hope she found someone who she'd really love and who loves her back..."
All leading to:
"I miss her. And I wouldn't be lying if I said I still love her. Acting as if it doesn't bother me isn't working. I quit on trying to move on from something that's incomplete, that seemed so true."
And then the decision was made.
After clearing some stuff out with my 2nd, and talking to her about how she really felt about her boyfriend, and coming to understand that he really must love her, since he was so nice to her, like I had been overly to my first, I figured that he should have his chance to shine, to love his love, that nice guys should at least win sometimes.
I was her desire. She was supposed to love him truly.
And she will come to, in one way alone. I had to leave as her lover. But remain, only as a friend.
And since I wasn't emotionally attached to her, this proved to be easier than it should've been.
I gave her a letter while she was in her room. Before taking it, she held my wrist and her eyes showed me love inside.
This was what I wanted from my 1st love. For her to hold my hand and have a reason to not want me to go.
When she did this, I wanted to cry.
But I just don't do that in front of others.
I took her hand and placed it in my palm. Held it tightly for a second. She seemed ready for another of those soft kisses to the lips. Instead, she got a gentle one to the cheek, a request to read the letter, one more look straight into the eyes, and a solemn goodbye.
After a few days, I came over to her house again. In a friendly manner. I couldn't disappear forever, and I wanted to know how she felt.
There came a moment in which she just watched me, and I watched her back. There was silence for a moment, after which she said,
"I felt really appreciated. Thank you."
I smiled. She was after all. Said,
"You're welcome. This is all I have to give now,"
And then we hugged.
It all seemed like a fairy tale. So unreal. And as I walked out her door I looked forward to rekindling a friendship bond with my 1st, and maybe progressing further, so that I can give her a real life fairytale as well.
If anything, she deserved it more than my 2nd. Because I love her truly.
I am currently still on this path.
I still talk to by 2nd-ex, though I have a revengeful aftertaste in my mouth for her since there was some usury in her actions. And I loathe being used in any degree. Story of my life.
But I don't know what to call my 1st. She isn't an "ex" to me, although it's been a great amount of months. About 10 months now, since we departed.
But... though I feel as if we've got something going on once more ... I couldn't be too sure. She acts weird sometimes. As if I'm crowding at times, and then, as if I’m not being around enough. Then with the complicated feelings she has for guys of interest, I couldn't help but wonder...
What's going on?
Sometimes she may be in a pissed mood, though I wanna be there for her, most times it's the space that she needs. But I am always nearby. Always.
She has a fragile personality, and is in need of someone to need her as well. Though she knows that I need her, she is doubtful about whether or not it'll work out in the best way, seeing that I am also a girl. She has this tendency to feel uneasy about me and the things that I do, and I do feel punched in the stomach when she hints stuff at me saying that she wants me to leave her alone, or even that she doesn't like me.
But some of her ways suggest different things.
She flirts with me sometimes. Suggests that she wants me with her. I try my best not to overwhelm her with any physical advances that may be too far out.
But she confuses me, as it always seems to switch from one side to the next.
I think at times of how much I've changed and altered for her. The amount of things I chose to accept, stuff I'd normally not ever tolerate from someone else. The mere fact that I'm in a "gay with a bi" situation... I mean come on, do I need to go further?
I support her when she's trying to get to a guy she likes. I even give the guy some tips, like a friend would. Although the last guy I did this with for her.... I was unusually harsh on him. Called him a bastard... and somehow, deep down inside, I didn't like him much.
There was something about him... I didn't know what. But I was rough on him... especially since she had been in situations before in which she got hurt, and I would accept no more occurrences. I was even a tad bit jealous of him, but not much, she is bi to a degree, after all.
I don't really consider her too much of a bisexual though. To me, there is more “bi-curiosity-that’s-a-bit-more-than-mere-curiosity ” here.
But then again, she has had true feelings for few girls. Three?
I know she had and maybe still has true feelings for me. But there are doubts. And it hurts me.
I am majorly confused, if that's a good way to say it. She creates a lot of emotions inside me. Love and happiness, anger and even hate. Some type of complicated shit to be going through with one of your closest friends.
What makes this even more complicated:
Is that she is not simply a lover. Or a flirt subject; nothing like what I'm used to. She is also one of my best friends, maybe even the best here.
Experienced in the flirt game I am, with girls I don't really care too, too much for. Then it's just a game. To them too I’m sure. And I always have fun.
I've only been in two relationships, one extremely different than the other. One I didn't expect to fall for, and one I played around with a little too well.
So, not too experienced there.
But... she's different. She is nowhere near the rule. Oh no. If she was I would've given up a long time ago. She is definitely, the exception in every sense of the word. I didn't like bi's, or just flirted with them... but never considered anything deeper, until I met her.
I was specific on height... before. And she has gotten me irate far more than any other human being has ever been able to try, far less to do .
But... She is special.
She just doesn't get it. This is not obsession. No way. This is a realization, of how powerful true love can be. Makes you do things you swear you'd never do. It controls you, and hijacks you to the core. I know this may sound like shit because she has been my first real love, emphasis on real; I have loved before. And that it may seem that I’m obsessed on my first. And that I haven't expanded far enough.
But let me tell you something.
I put my foot down when I say that you are wrong. I am not obsessed, though I may be attached. Love is not a game to me, not anymore. And she made me realize that.
There is a reason why I give her credit.
If dying for love is the only way I could really make her see how true this is for me, and how desperate I am only to let her simply know and understand, then I’d do it, taking in my few last breaths with a fucking smile on my face.
This is no bullshit. This is real. Hear me out when I say that this shit, is real. And that's for goddamn certain.
There is no other way I can find to emphasize this.
I am young, and relatively new to this stuff, compared. Talking about true love may sound like talking smack. I don't care if you think I'm delusional. I don't care about anything you say or think.
I'm not saying that she's my soul-mate or anything like that. I don't wanna marry her, I don't wanna be married. I don't expect to even want to be with her forever.
Of course I'll move on, in my travels, I even wanna love a Japanese chick. I love them, they are my fantasy.
But while I'm here, and while we are friends, and are as close as we are now, it seems only fair to be true. Be real, and for her to know. That’s all. I’m not even asking her to love me back, but I do want to know how she feels for me, if she does.
Those three words are said too much by me, and still, not enough. But it's the truth.
I won't say them here, you know what they are.
Thank you.