Struggling.....

I've been having issues.
Gay issues.
Because I'm gay.
Had some problems accepting myself in society.
The pressure; I've hated myself for being gay.

My friends would probably never really understand, and I sense that this has become an uncomfortable subject for them.

If so....when I do find a new girl....do I introduce them?

I must commend Abigail though.
She is very supportive; I can actually be my gay self around her and it'll be fine, though she might freak out at some statements, but it's generally ok.

If I'm sad due to some gay-based thing, she automatically thinks I've been being bashed for it (I was a little before) and wants to give them a piece of her mind.
I always have to come in and say, "no, it's not that.". :)

Online we could talk about it.
I must say, she has been there for me, much more than before. Cuz before she was mean!
I'm glad for that.

So, that's Abi. Now for Cher and Laura.

They are 2 more that make up my important inner circle.

I treasure them as friends dearly.
They also have been there for me...

However, approaching the gay-subject I do not feel very comfortable talking about that.
I did once deeply, and I dont think I'll do it again. That was a long time ago though.

They were very supportive, and I'm happy for that. A lot.
However, I know of the aftermath.

I know what they thought of it.

They thought my head was fucked up, also that dealing with me was frustrating.
And they kept referring sex to it.

They decided to let it go and not tap on the matter anymore.

Well good.
But it hurt to know that they thought something was wrong with me.
I'm sure Abi thinks it too, at least a little bit.


But then, should I expect any different?

Even my pals can't fully accept me for being gay, so how about the world?
No chance.

They have no idea of exactly what this is like for me.
I actually hated myself for being gay once.

I'm doing ALOT of soul-searching nowadays, and God really is my closest friend.
In that I talk to him about it a lot, and feel good.
I wanna lead at least a partially religious life.

Of course if i mention that it may, i dunno.

They don't seem to like to talk about religious things.

I just wish as my pals they could, maybe do some research or maybe ask me to find something that could explain it better to them.
I would gladly refer to some sites.

But then, I shouldn't expect them to care so much to the point that they should go out of their way to really figure it out, cuz in the end that's for me to do, not them.

But, i dunno.

Every time I see them, I feel a pain inside.
Not too sure why, but then again i can guess.

The pain for Cher, and the pain for Laura are different, and yet the same.

Go figure.

But I dont like to talk deeply about myself anymore, because a gay-thing will come up (duh! I am GAY!) and they might feel weird.

So, that's why, I feel a barrier as to how much of myself I can share to them.

And it hurts.

Badly.


Another thing that hinders my ability to fully accept myself in society, for being gay.

I dont want to hide anything from them, so maybe I'll send them a link to this, I dunno.

They are my friends, so maybe I should.

At least they'll know sorta what going on with me.

At friends.^^

And without them feeling... awkward or anything.
^^