Sigh... this is how I really feel.

Today was not a good day for me.
This morning, i cried.
At the bishop's I held back some serious tears.

At school....
I broke down.

So three times today I was emotionally wreaked.


My pals just wanted to understand me.
Inside, I was actually flattered.

But given my mood for the day...
I didn't want to talk much because all I'd do is cry.

I didn't wanna cry in front of them.
I just didn't want to.

I felt ashamed.


But I'm glad I did.
Though i still didnt give a real explanation because I just wouldve cried more.

And I didn't want to cry so much.

Sigh...

They said I lie alot.
Ok, i do lie.
But not as much as they think.

Oh, sometimes the lies are incredibly useless and obvious.
Lol. (That's a real lol :D)

But sometimes I really do mean what I say.

They really didn't hurt my feelings today.
Why I felt so sad is because the subject had upset me before, and there it was again, to explain.

Then, Laura.... she cared so much.
So did Cheri-Ann.

They are so awesome. :)

They cracked jokes.
They were funny... but given my mood all of them led me to think about my "gayness" and saddened me more.

But, I honestly know to myself that I am gay.

And so I decided, that since I really couldn't explain to their faces, much less when Abigail and Delon showed up....
Anyway the reason for that is, yes, Abi WILL crash the points I make.
I was already not able to compose myself sufficiently enough to explain...

And I WOULD have cried... again.
No way did I want to cry, especially in front of Abi.
Why?

Because I'd feel super embarrassed.

Firstly, Abi has some ways. Sometimes, she'd insult me and usually I wouldnt care much, because, that's just Abi.

So, given that I dont usually care about what she says normally, crying in front of her then because this topic has turned out to be an emotional one for me....
Would've just made me feel worse.

But then, as Laura said, if I feel sad, I should cry.
It's really a release... I had been holding those tears up for at least two weeks.

Anyway, I figure since they've been so loyal as to ditch class and stay with me, I will spill it out here.
Thank you again you guys.

EXPLAINATION:
This is me being honest.
I hope you guys don't think I'm lying.

Laura-> The reason why I couldn't keep a straight face with you when you made that face is because I was mega embarrassed. Of course I wouldnt have said that then... I wouldnt have admitted. Also Thanks so much for the hug... i really appreciate it...I wouldve hugged you back, I'm a bit more affectionate than I used to be... but the hug you gave me made me cry even more...

Cheri-Ann-> Thanks to you too. And you could believe me when I say stuff... I'm not that much of a liar. I'm not saying that I don't lie... but sometime when I say no really and then my eyes drift away is because I feel embarrassed. And because of my embarrassment today... led me to cry as well.

Based on topic:

From where we left off, I clearly remember the last question: "And what is romance for you?"

I couldnt answer that in the state I was...

But as much as you guys wanna know, I want u guys to know.

Cheri-Ann... please don't get freaked out.
Laura... I know you wont, but yeah.^^

Romance for me is romance for you guys.
Except its a bit different for me, in that yeah... my orientation and also, my approach.

For me, I like to take on a "fairy tale" aspect.
I tend to be at my romantic peak when I'm in a nice scenery with my girl or in music.

Also...

This is where I admit where I have lied: I have become sexually intimate with a girl before. And in this case, I was the one who initiated. It was totally what I wanted, I wasn't forced in any way.
Although... it didnt go "that" far......ish.

I didn't want to say that aloud, cuz i didnt wanna freak anyone out.

But yes, I actually do fathom being sexually active with a girl.
It freaks me out... when openly expressed.
I don't like to talk about it, because I'm the only gay one here in our group of four.

Romance for me starts out like this:

Scenario:

I see a girl I like.

At said times, the attraction is physical.
I say to myself, hey, she looks hot.

But then I watch how she carries herself.
Then if I'm further interested I say,
"I'd like to get to know at least her name."

Now because I can't immediately tell whether she's that way or not, I make a very platonic approach, yet somehow, unusually friendly.

And, as I get to know the person, then I get to know where they stand.

It's kinda simple... simpler when they tell me themselves.... which is normally the case.

Now if said girl really liked me back...
At first, I wouldnt be very affectionate yet.
I'd tell her nice stuff, and gradually get to the point where I'd surprise her with a kiss scenario... which is super cool.
Umm... or if she pulls me in because I teased her a bit.
^^

For me...
I would get physical with a girl, only and only if I have emotional feelings for her.
The sheer desire to be there to love, support and protect her becomes stronger.

I automatically take upon myself the guy role.

When I said I was somewhat transgendered, I meant to refer to the society role I feel most comfortable in.

Inside, I feel like a guy.
But it's not like a necessarily want male sexual parts.
Although being a guy does involve this... it being pointed out so directly..makes me feel weird.

As for marriage... I do fantasize about it from time to time.
But....in my mind I am always a guy in my subconscious.
I dream as being the best father there ever was.
I dream of having a daughter and a son. Yeah, just two initially.
I dream of having a really active yet laid back and awesome wife.
I dream of it all....
And then get pissed off.

Reality kicks in.
I can't be a father.
I'm not a guy.

And then I say...
"Eh... I don't wanna be married."

I've also thought of marrying a guy and this is how I pictured it:
I say shit and say that I'd treat him badly.
Truth is a dont have the nerve, though I'm more aggressive and "on point" with guys... I still am nice to them.

If I had a husband... this is how I pictured it to work:
So me and my male honeybun (or whatever) would be total equals.
Total.
I mean like to the exact same chores for example.
It'd be like brother and and very masculine sister more than husband and wife.

We'd do a whole lot of crazy shit together.
I may wanna spar with him and compete with my strength. (then I'd imagine that I'm tough enough :))
I'd wanna take over and do his manly...stuff.

But with children... we'd have a problem.
Sex with a guy... the thought irks me.
More specifically, the thought of ME having sex with a guy irks me.
I get "goosebumps".

It would be much harder for me to be "romantic" towards a guy, rather than a girl.
Trust me.

Though I've never actually been with a guy, I've had some strong feelings for a couple... the deepest being with Dion, remember?

But every time he'd advance, I get tense.
What literally goes through my mind:
"What the hell dude? Don't you see i'm a----"
Then the pause in my head.

Naturally, the last word would be "a dude".
Reality: I am not.

And that frustrates me.

Now I dunno why it does... that I cannot explain.
I cannot explain just what led me to like girls, but I remember the first thought I ever had when I had just entered adolescence.
The first ever that led to my romance period.

Laura, you were partially right. But not fully.
You see, my father did lead to it... but it wasnt because i was afraid of a man treating me the way he treated girls.

Everytime I would see him doing that shit then, I mused to myself.
But there came I time when this thought came in:

"I would never be as horrible as you. Girls deserve better. I will be better than you. I would be the best I can be and the gentlest towards them. I would love them, more than you ever could."

At that time I used to write all my inner thoughts inside a book, but this one i never forgot.

At that time, it didnt mean much to me, then I was just being me.
Not once then did I think, hey, you cant love a girl like that, you are one. Never.
To me it just was natural.

From since I was 14 I naturally had an eye for girls, and never questioned it.
Sexual feelings did come along, and in my fantasies... I was always with a girl...as a guy.
In my thoughts I was a guy.
It is strange.

First all i desired was a kiss.
Then, the other stuff came along.
Not once did I ever think i was wrong.

Until I came here in DA.

Until I first began to question it.

And then I realized that I had to come out of the closet that I previously wasnt aware of.

They more i realized that these feelings were unnatural for me, the more I became engulfed in my thoughts, soul searching, looking for answers.

Before I realized though, people used to say, "oh, are you gay?"
I used to take offense: "No, why the hell did you think that"

And at the same time used to harbor very natural desires for a girl in my class.
I was extremely shy... I used to just look at her in a distance.
I played guitar then, so at a latter point when i locked myself in my room, I'd write music that she'd never hear for her.
When we played hockey together (yep, we were on the same team), I'd look at her move gracefully while hockey balls hurdled at me (yep, i was goalie, she was one of the forerunners).

Pretty silly, due to preoccupation of thoughts about her I would nearly forget i was supposed to be stopping people from getting goals.
At one late attempt, i fell hard on my head. (had a helmet though)
She came running... and she helped pick me up and stuff.
I held her and hugged her.
That was an awkward time to do it... the game was on pause though.
She was like, why are you hugging me Sade, and laughed.
I blushed... and then got embarrassed.

People were watching me like, what?

But yeah.

I guess I'd stop here.
Dont wanna make it too long... although... it still is long.

Thanks again you guys. I hope I sorta cleared things. ^^

Thank so much for being the friends you are.