I curse the day.....

Can I really still look into her eyes and tell her that I love her?

Yes, unfortunately.
But I won't.

I think I've been on a borderline of limerance and unconditional love.
Nothing ever seems to disgust me about her, even when she disgusts me, its by some stuff she may do or say, and not her as a person at all.

I dunno.

I have already come to terms with the fact that we will never ever be.
And it doesn't bother me now.
I'm actually glad.

Everytime my mind tends to be like asking if it could be, I'd be like, oh no....dont even go there.

But we are friends. And I'm glad for that too.

So I can't love her as a lover, and I dont care to either.

But as a friend I will, I mean, I still do love her, a lot. Too much maybe.

Just what makes her so deserving.
I come too deep with this shit.

What's my idea of love?
Well, I, as a gay individual, strangely, as the world would say, have no desire for sex.

Ok....so I do come off by watching les porn when I do.
And....I get excited by rough, almost even fighting encounters.
And I just love to see girls submit, it's hot.
I dont give a shit for the men....only that i wish I was them. Yeah, I watch the straight ones as well. When I do. Meh.

But for me myself, I dont really wanna have sex.
It's just not, a priority at all.

I could be in a relationship without sex at all.......
But duh, there must be some kind of physical intimacy...like making out and stuff.
And groping a girl playfully is always fun.

I may even cause a girl to feel sexy and want to have sex, and we may make out intensely...but I dont wanna strip her.

The intimacy is what keeps me going.
Everything, until the point that the girl wants to go down on me, is fine.

Why am I talking about this?
Because everywhere I go, and every girl I meet who's interested in me, wants that.
They want to have sex! Without even knowing me yet.
Do you know how much of those innuendos I must face and the comments I hear?
I feel raped by eyes alone.

And I always laugh to myself when this stuff happens, cuz, tho its a cool feeling to know that youre wanted and desired, even by people of your own gender, and its just seems to occur naturally and in a space of at least a month, its funny cuz I dont ever wanna deal with them.

To them I'm always that person they can never reach.

I rarely do ever fall in love, i'm infatuated alot.

But I like girls with a certain character.
The quiet and shy, the cute, the humble, with a drive for doing daring things and having fun and being outspoken at the same time, thats what I like.

There aren't many girls like that, here.
Or if they're here, not any gay ones.

I am gay, not due to the want of having sex with a girl, no.
Though I am not fully opposed to the thought, it's only with certain conditions.

Yes, I do take that stuff way too seriously for a teen.
But whatever.

Why am I attracted to girls?
I'm not sure, I just am.

Guys?
Lol, honestly for me to be in love with a guy, he'd have to be gay, lol.

You get me? Not really? Well...
Gay guys can be effeminate.
When overly so, I'm disgusted.
Same with girls, if they are too masculine, then they are too much of a boy for me.

But, the thing I love about girls, are their simple gentleness.
It's just normal for them.
I'm dazzled by grace, and stumped silly if they are artistic in any way.

I'm particularly more dazzled by girls who are shorter than me, tho, because somehow I feel like I can always be the one she would look up to, and I can be the one who can be strong for her, and I'll always love looking down into her eyes.
But she doesnt have to be shorter than me.

I would gladly wrap my arms around her and show her my love anyway.

With effeminate guys, they have the same gentleness, somewhat.
Some can be really sweet and shy.

It's not the gender that determines who I tend to like, it's the person's mannerisms.
So if there was a guy who was alot like a girl in that sense, then I would love him lol.

My idea of love is one that is very hard to explain, but I can try.

This type, leads to the conclusion that I would die for her, just so that she can live.
I will support her in any way I can.
And I will protect her.

Even if I cannot really physically protect anyone, and may be a wimp, I will still embarrass myself and get beaten to a pulp and still try to protect her.

Even tho my life is busy, I will still have time set for her.
Jeez......i'm still not reaching my quota of really explaining love to you, in may be able to show in a picture.

But I can surely say that it's very different from what most ppl call love, and sex, is only an option, and not a must at all.

However, I lack confidence.
And can be a bit unsure of things.
I tend to second guess things.

That's why after my 4th encounter with love, I decided to lay back, relax, and fully come out.

Like come out, and show my world, "Hey, I'm me, and I'm.... " so and so.
Because I always felt like I was hiding stuff about me, that I was afraid of showing.

And they are not even bad stuff, they are actually good.

But i believe I have a slight fear of "truly being out of the norm", which I already am, but I always tend to want to do things that will "stand out", even positively, and I have a tendency to not want to stand out at all.
So I stop myself.
And that always messes things up for me and my partner, the worst occurred with my 1st.

I was soooo bottled up and afraid.

But I'm coming out a bit more everyday, and until I feel as if I can be my all freely with my girlfriend then I just wont bother getting one until I do.

That's all really.