Explaination.....

So, I sent a letter to a site. Explaining...me, in some ways. It was the truest thing ever for me to say, because I usually tend to alter information alot, and involuntarily.

Hello.
So i came across your site, feeling all down and stuff. Having problems as to being able to fully accept myself.
Firstly yes, I am gay. And i want to be myself fully, so I want to be a happy gay individual.
I hate the term lesbian though. it has a kind of "slutty" sound to the word, so i just use the word gay.
But it is really difficult.
I have friends who know, but I think that they too are struggling to understand me. They think that something is wrong with me and that I am frustrating to deal with. I have really confided in them to be my friends and at least respect me and support me, but if i am frustrating, when all I'm doing is trying to be happy....
Ok so I accept that for my age I am very childish, and before I was in love with one of my very close friends who thought she was bi, but is not.
We broke up and in between a 3 year period I guess we both were confused. I was confused about whether or not she liked me, even after we broke up, and she was confused...about herself I guess?
But it sorta hurts because before she claimed to love me so much, and at that time I had been unable to show her my love properly because i was having issues with myself, and then she got frustrated and we broke up, but it seemed that she kept falling in and out of love with me.

It was alot to deal with, but now we're cool.
She's not in love with me, she doesnt like me in that way, and I'm accepting that all we are are friends.

But that's not the problem.
The problem is that i feel low because of my being gay.
Inside, I am happy with myself, being gay is part of my identity, although sex is a touchy subject with me, i do not wish to be sexually intimate with another girl unless we are really close emotionally, and it "just happens", and well, definitely NOT with a man.
But my society, people, well most people, just do not accept, which is ok i guess, but I want to be treated with respect as this site has explained, and I am not getting that.

Also, i really do want to share myself with a girl, but she really has to know herself as well, and feel comfortable, and love me. Most girls who like me are interested in sex, and I become more or less an "experiment" for them. This is why i am single; i've only had 2 real girlfriends, and I've begun feeling for girls since i was 14-15. Although then, i didn't question it at all because it just seemed natural and i didnt even know anything about being gay.
I thought i was straight, even though all ive had were feelings for girls.

At 16-17 I became knowledgeable of it, and began to accept myself for being that way, with no intention to change.

But sometimes I hate myself too and say maybe if i were straight i wouldnt have these problems.

People say that i look like someone who has it all covered, when they have no idea of my pain.

Some of my close friends i feel see me as a case or that something is wrong with me, though they are still nice to me (they were a bit mean before, but they try now and i appreciate it, because it really isn't fair, but they werent mean to me because I am gay, but for other reason, like maybe how I'm so soft-spoken, or really nice, or just childish, basically because i am way different to people here (I am an immigrant in the country i live in currently and this is where I fully realized my orientation))

It's like I have a very compartmentalized life, in which to different groups of people, i am somewhat a different person, and the only people i feel fully me towards are my very best friends who live in the country I left, I miss them.

Generally all I want is support, and to feel happy. I just wanted to let it out. Thank you.
If you can help in anyway, well, I'd love that.^^

Maybe I should add that before I wasnt very familiar with guys, in fact my father hated me being around them. Thats another story altogether, but nowadays I am mostly comfortable around guys, My closest friend is a boy, who liked me before. I've another very close guy friend.

I've nothing against guys really, I recognize the good and bad. Trying to really romantically like a guy never worked out for me, and when i realized I had been just trying to make other people happy, I quit that, because it wasnt what I really wanted, and I dont want anyone's feelings to be hurt.

I am also androgynous in appearance, and like to dress as a guy sometimes, though I get negative feedback from people so I feel ashamed, but I wish I was a man, so that my feelings wont be so "weird".

I feel as if I should have been a guy, but I already accept that I am a girl, and very much identify with the term "soft butch/ stud" though that stereotype is far fetched, because I have very masculine qualities, but then again, i am still definitely a girl.

But yep, that's generally the main story.


^^ I felt much better after.