Presently, these days...

I feel more mature.
Now i have a job, a good one too.
I really appreciate it, and I'm playing the part; a somewhat mature-ish 18yr old who stumbled unto the cooperate world.

Not a very nice place by the way.

It's kinda hard.
These days my energy level has dropped severely.

I feel tired all the time.

So now I've changed my sleeping patterns... again.
I'd say so far it's going ok.

Now at school:

Sometimes I'm too tired to even show up at classes.
Hope that changes.

Almost everyday, other than going to classes, I meet up with my friends.
Most times it's Lauralee, Cheri-Ann, and Abigail in their group of 3, before I come along.

I always have a tendancy to want to playfully harass my "brother".

But towards lauralee and Abigail, though I'm still friendly, I try to give an impression that deserves some type of respect.

So I don't act goofy. Or overly playful. I'm always trying to "keep my composition".

That's because I made myself look stupid and these two were prone to being mean to me or just plain disrespecting me.

I didn't like it, so I made my resolution to not be as stupid as last year.

See where this comes in?

So these days I just act myself, without the goofiness. Not hard really.

I don't wanna look like a fool anymore.

But that's not all.

I am still in love with Lauralee in particular.
But because of past experiences with me showing affection and she giving me the cold shoulder, i just decided to keep it as my secret.

It hurts though; everytime I see her i'm being reminded of why I love her so much.
And it's not her clothes, or hairstyle or anything right in front of your face, no.

It's simply her as a person.

So it's even harder to be there subduing my feelings, its almost depressing.

My love feels unrequited and like she said it should just die.

So there I am hiding my feelings and acting like it doesnt affect me. What a pain.


She acts much nicer toward me. I dunno, maybe she's making a concerted effort.
But this is why I don't do anything "out of it" anymore; so that she won't have to try and just be nice to me.

Y'know, just normal.
Like she is toward everyone else.

Then I wish that someday she'd love me again.
You know, just have the same feelings that I do for her.

Somehow......

I tear up about it, but that's when I'm alone or when I'm walking home along the coastline.
It's my secret.



These days are hard, but I've been through harder.
I dunno I just wanna be happy.

I wanna be successful at work and not so tired.
I wanna actually get some A's in school.
I wanna be respected not just by some, no, by everyone.
I wanna announce my love for Laura and for her to be happy because she loves me too.
I wanna be able to greet her with kisses and just show her how loved she is by me and how true i've been with this from since ever.
I wanna give her myself and love her to the fullest; I mean, I know what i'm about now and I'm not such a noob anymore.
I wanna make her happy; jeez I "over-care" about that girl.

And I just want things to flow.

I pray to God for these things, yeah ALL of these things.
Yeah I even pray for Laura.
I tell him a million times how much I love her and how I dunno how i can stop, because I can't.

I love her, whether it's wrong, or right.

How unconditional is that?

And the worst thing is that I'm only 18.
Why do I have to fall for such strong love now?

People say she's just your first but that statement is false.

What am I to do?
My answer to that is to wait it out for now and live everyday as a new one.
And just see.

Patience is really a virtue.
I exercise it well now.

If she really doesn't want me anymore well I'm just gonna be the victim of love.
It will hurt and I'm all ready for it, but it will still hurt.
But much less now because I'm keeping a lil distance while I'm still around.

That's where the job came in.